Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I think too much.
I have a lot of love around me. I need to recognize it more often.
I wish I had an I-pod now that I go to the gym.
I hate washing dishes.
I miss Himself. Every minute. But it's ok.
I fear ending up like my Aunt Mary, who had a sad, misfortune-filled life and died in her mid-50s.
I hear that we may be forced to take “furlough” days at work. Bastards.
I smell nothing. Is that weird?
I crave financial security. Not lots of money – just a little more than enough to cover the bills would be great.
I search ed the world over and thought I found true love. She met another and, PBBBBLT, she was gone. (Sorry, it’s the first thing that popped into my head. And how does one spell that raspberries sound, anyway?)
I wonder what the next change will be. My life doesn’t go very long without one.
I regret that I didn’t have children. Now I hope that I will get the chance to be a stepmother.
I love every comment I get here. They make me silly happy.
I ache in my thighs. Seems the ol’ quads are still pretty weak after my knee surgeries and the new exercise regimen is making them scream.
I am not going to give up.
I believe that love is a verb.
I dance ballet…in my head.
I sing very well, In fact, my voice is recorded on an album. Yes, a vinyl album…which means no one will ever hear it again because turntables have gone the way of the 8-track.
I cry very easily.
I fight so many urges. Today I won two of those fights…and lost one.
I win games of trivia. My sisters dubbed me Queen of the Small Fact back in the day when Trivial Pursuit was all the rage.
I lose things only very rarely. I don’t try, I just almost always know where my things are.
I never win contests. Even when I enter.
I always see both sides of a situation. It’s a blessing but also a curse.
I confuse a lot of people with my quirkiness.
I listen to what other people say with their body language and even more so with their “vibe.”
I can usually be found on Yahoo IM. But I’m usually only visible to four people.
I am scared that I used up my happiness allotment in the first half of my life.
I need very little. I want a lot.
I am happy about joining a gym.
I imagine what having a good hair day would be like. I’m lucky if I get a good hair hour.
I tag freight cars. OK, I don’t…but I admire that artistic talent.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Text message received at 9:23 p.m. last night:
hey jordan told me 2 tell u tht he doesnt like emily she hangs on him & he tries 2 get her off im helpin wit it but he doesnt like her he told me 2 tell u & make sure ur not mad at him
1 - I don't know anyone named Jordan.
2 - I'm not mad at him.
3 - I don't know anyone named Emily.
4 - She sounds lovely (and maybe a little kinky).
5 - I'm not surprised Jordan doesn't like Emily - guys don't really like it when a girl hangs on them.
6 - If Jordan "tries 2 get her off" it's no wonder Emily likes Jordan, though...but he may be sending mixed signals.
7 - Since this message wasn't for me, I am DYING to know who 'u' is and if there is mass confusion at school today.
8 - I am also curious if this is the same sender who wanted to know what time the game was and if it was home or away last Friday.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Well, I just spent a lovely weekend with Himself.
Here’s how it happened:
The situation with Himself had been stagnant-ish for months. It had been sixteen months since we spent time together – so many reasons for that but it boils down to his lack of commitment to make it happen. So a few weeks ago I (finally) decided I needed to start moving on and I joined a dating website.
For months on end, Himself stressed that he wasn’t available for a romantic relationship and that we were Just Friends – who knew what would happen in the future, but Just Friends for now. At one point, he even encouraged me to date other men. (Boy, that hurt.)
The night before I left for Florida, I told my Just Friend Himself that I joined that dating site and a couple of men were showing interest in me. Local-ish men who even said they wanted to meet me. This is the kind of thing that Just Friends share with each other, right? Well, Himself exploded. It turned into a HUGE discussion-slash-argument (now known as “The Horrible Conversation”). I kept reminding him of his justfriendsjustfriendsjustfriends mantra and he finally calmed down enough to admit that I was right about that and he didn’t know why he was so upset. The conversation ended ok but I was extremely surprised by his reaction and more confused than ever. His reaction was not that of someone who only has “friendly” feelings toward me.
While I was on vacation, he texted me almost every day. It was the kind of fun, flirty dialogue we engaged in months ago, before he we agreed to be Just Friends. I loved it but grew more confused as the days went on. The first time we talked after I got home, I asked him what was going on in his head. He said that he was as surprised as I was by his reaction – that he was upset by the idea of me moving on. That realization spurred him into action and he checked his calendar for open weekends and investigated locations where we could meet somewhere between where we each live. By the end of that conversation, we had made a date for this past weekend. I was shocked, to say the least.
He did not, I must tell you, promise that our relationship was going to change. In fact, he said that he didn’t know if it would but that he wanted to see me, spend time with me and, as he loves to say, “take it from there.” I, by the same token, did not expect the situation to turn on a dime. I’m a hopeful romantic and so very in love with him, but I am also a realist. While a tiny little part of me hoped that he would take one look at my face and realize that he has been a colossal fool, I knew that was the longest of long shots. I believed (and still do) that we need that face-to-face time to determine if anything is ever going to come of us. It has to start somewhere.
Friday, I drove to meet him. It was so sweet, so AMAZING, to see his face, to actually be in the same air space and he felt the same way. We had such a good time together – we spent Saturday afternoon wandering around a funky little shopping district, just browsing through the shops. It was easy, fun, sweet, and romantic...but his vibe felt different to me. He was thoroughly engaged with me but seemed slightly reserved.
This morning I addressed what I was feeling and we talked for a long, long time. Long story short (yeah, I know…too late), the geographical distance between us is insurmountable to him. His life is still crazy, he’s still struggling financially, he has so many obligations, blah blah blah. Everything he said is valid…but I believe if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen. I have tried to make this relationship happen any way I could because I want it bad enough. He apparently doesn’t.
This so completely sucks. He loves me, I don’t doubt that for a second. He says that if we lived in the same city, we would be dating. He said he wants to see me “when we can” but doesn’t know when that might be. I told him I’m not interested in a Same Time, Next Year situation.
I am thrilled that I saw him. I am so happy that our weekend together was everything I hoped it would be…except for the part when I said to him “we don’t want the same thing” and he didn’t disagree with me.
I still love him more than I thought possible.
I still hope that Himself and I will have a happily-ever-after.
I still think he is overwhelmed by his life and not able to see a way to fit me in right now.
I still believe that when his life settles down he will find a way.
But things are going to change around here. It’s time for me to focus on other things. I won’t hold my breath waiting for another glorious, sweet, loving, fun, happy weekend that is much too late in coming.
I deserve to be a priority. I will no longer settle for a place at the bottom of the list.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
- The Tall One texted "how are u?" to me early last week. I ignored it. On Saturday, he texted "U still mad at me?" and I replied "I'm not mad...just done." Without any hesitation, he sent back "OK have a nice life." *sigh* Addicts never cease to amaze. I seriously doubt I've heard the last of him, but I hope I have.
- I will be traveling out of town again this weekend. This makes 4 fun trips in 3 months - which is unheard of for me! I'm loving every second of it...but, even though all of these trips have been on the cheap, my wallet is crying "uncle"!!
- All this travel has really pointed out how pathetic my wardrobe is. Anyone who wants to contribute to the Well-Dressed Violet fund is welcome and will be thanked profusely.
- And yet, I will manage to overpack. Especially shoes.
- I just thought of an unknown fact about me: I don't eat chocolate candy when it's cold. Chocolate cake, sure. Brownies, absolutely. (mmmmm, brownies!!!) But in the winter chocolate gets too cold and doesn't melt in my mouth and that detracts so much from my enjoyment of it that I'd rather not eat it at all. Farewell, chocolate - I will dream of our reunion next May.