Two weeks ago, I came to the terrible decision that Himself and I need to be just friends for now. He is not making time for me in his life and an occasional phone call, IM, or email does not a relationship make. I love him and he loves me but love alone is, tragically, never enough.
I joined a dating website a few years ago and dated a couple of guys from there but hadn't found anyone special. Himself joined the site about a year ago and we talked, along with many others, in the site’s chat room (a really nice, moderated chat that doesn’t allow *that* kind of talk). I thought he was nice and fun to flirt with but he lived forever away and I didn’t pay him any particular attention. In February, he sent a birthday e-card to me. I remember reading it and thinking, “Well, that was nice.” And didn't give him another thought.
In April I posted some new pictures that caught Himself's attention and he tried again. This time, I responded. I have no idea why. After just a couple days of talking online, he asked for my phone number. He called me that evening because “I couldn’t wait any longer to hear your voice.” From that point on, we talked every day, either by phone or IM. I tried to guard my heart but it didn’t work.
We had the opportunity to meet for real in Chicago at the end of May. My heart was his the moment I saw his face. The weekend was joyous, sweet, so much fun, and he was everything I hoped he would be.
He said we would see each other at least once a month. Unfortunately, his life got in the way and we have not seen each other even once since that magical weekend. I waited as patiently (maybe not so much) as I could but two weeks ago it became clear that although his life is slowly improving, he is still up to his eyeballs in alligators and will be for some time to come. I believe that it is his circumstances that are keeping us apart, but I have had to admit to myself that, even so, he is choosing not to make me a priority.
I know that many don’t understand this relationship – there are 500 miles between us and we haven’t been together since June 1. After reading this you may think I’m naïve but, while I say a lot, there is so much I’m not saying here. I am not naïve about this man or this situation – I may have to walk away from him eventually but everything about him and us feels right. Even now.
I am trying to let go, to truly, completely hand it over to God. Himself understands why I am choosing this path and he is still sweet, loving, funny, and understanding, but last night we snarked at each other for only the second time ever. I am looking for the balance between letting go and still maintaining hope that things may be different in the future – it's proving difficult to find.
Oh, how my heart hurts.