Monday, May 31, 2010

Lemme see you just bounce it with me

Because I channel-surfed onto Men in Black while folding towels and it made me smile...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

One of those days

Things here are fine.
Things are good.
There is nothing wrong today.

And yet, it's one of those days when I am blue. I am chalking it up to the confluence of two situations:

1 - I am tired and overwhelmed. Working 60-70 hours a week between the two jobs these days, waiting to hear if my apartment rental application has been approved, preparing for the biggest event of my work year, worrying about money for and after the big move, starting to think about packing, considering a garage sale (yuck), and wondering how I will get everything done in the next 4 days that needs to be done before I can leave town for 9 days to manage the big event.

2 - This weekend marks the second anniversary of my first face-to-face meeting with Himself. I know life never turns out quite the way we want or expect, and I accept where we are now. Even more importantly, I have let go of any expectations for our future - I put on my water wings and now I am simply floating and waiting to see where the tide takes us. But still, I can't help but think about where we were two years ago and how I felt. That weekend was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I am trying to shake off the blues, to see the silver lining. Two years ago I hoped that I would be moving to Nebraska to pursue a relationship with Himself. Well, I am - it's just happening a year later than I hoped. Our relationship isn't as committed as I hoped it would be but I think it's unrealistic to think it could be anything more than it is after two years of being so far apart. I am optimistically curious to see how it changes when we are much closer geographically.

Sure, the work hours are exhausting and the second job takes a huge bite out of my free time, but there are a lot of people who don't even have one job...and I wouldn't be able to make the move to Lincoln without both jobs.

Why can't I just be happy with today? It's a gorgeous, warm/hot, sunny day - my favorite kind...but all I want to do is curl up in a dark spot and cry.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Friday Fill-in #178

1. Potato chip chicken -- the best food to take on a picnic.
2. Summer ROCKS!!!
3. My toes are too delicate to wear flip flops.
4. To love someone is the best thing ever.
5. I would love to get to the point where I am fit enough to enjoy a long hike.
6. When I crave food, it's usually high calorie and high carb.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to buying a new pair of shoes - whee!, tomorrow my plans include cleaning and working - not so much whee, and Sunday, I want to nap between church and my shift at the grocery store.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Grace in Small Things #20 - The Food Photo Edition





6. (hold the strawberries, thankyouverymuch)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Fill-In #176

1. I just had a dream that I was kissing Mozart.

2. God is.

3. The third sentence on the 7th page of the book I'm reading: "There is not a foot of space between the chairs of the guests, and Tamoszius is so short that he pokes them with his bow whenever he reaches over for the low notes; but still he presses in, and insists relentlessly that his companions must follow." (The Jungle by Upton Sinclair - I would have hated this book 20 years ago but I am completely enthralled now.)

4. As the World Turns tickles my fancy.

5. I was walking 30 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week...until I started the part-time job that leaves me with no time or energy for exercise.

6. Eddie Izzard makes me laugh!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working at the grocery store (although 'looking forward to' doesn't really describe my feelings), tomorrow my plans include coloring my hair (a new color - pray for me!) and working at the store, and Sunday, I want to skip church and sleep in because I am scheduled to work 7 hours in hell at the grocery store!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Deep sigh

So I was chatting on the phone with my parents. I was telling them that Himself passed the final licensing exam in his profession. (YAY!!) Unfortunately, he procrastinated this exam to the point that now he is anxiously waiting to see if the paperwork gets processed with the proper entities by June 30. If it is not processed by then, he will have to reapply for approval to serve the bulk of his current clientele. It's not a huge deal but would be a hassle for him.

I told my parents that Himself acknowledges that if he loses approval, he only has himself to blame. My mother said,

Well, you can certainly appreciate that. Who knows how many degrees you would have by now if you hadn't screwed up when you were 18 and going to college on our dime?

Did I mention this phone call was on Mother's Day?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Letting the cat out of the bag

“Leap and the net will appear.” Zen saying

It’s time. Time to tell everyone what I have been whispering and dreaming and praying about for the last six months. It’s time to move from thinking to doing. It’s time to tuck all of my preparations, calculations, and careful assessments safely into my pocket and take the leap.

The leap will take me to Lincoln, Nebraska. I am planning to move to Lincoln in August to pursue two dreams: 1, a real, in-person relationship with Himself; and 2, to enroll in college full-time to complete a bachelor’s degree in event planning. These two goals are pretty much equal in my mind. I want the education just as much as I want the relationship. Both will take time, energy, care, and patience. Both are well worth whatever I put into them.

Himself lives in Omaha and after two years of loving each other but struggling against the enormous obstacle of the physical distance between us, we want to see what happens when we are close enough to be an immediate part of each other’s lives. Over the last few months, we have talked a lot about our expectations, hopes, and fears about this change. I have no idea how this will play out. I know that from here – 500 miles away – I love him more than I thought I could love. Time and proximity will tell if that love can endure. I hope that our relationship will progress and deepen and grow into a devoted, loving, lifelong marriage but I have gained the patience to wait and see how it all unfolds.

After 27 years and 3 failed attempts, I am finally ready for college. I am eager to join the undergrads lugging backpacks across campus. I plan to work for a year to establish residency then enroll at the University of Nebraska as a Hospitality, Restaurant and Tourism Management major with a concentration in event management. My plan relies on getting accepted to UNL and that is a complete unknown at this point. But that’s ok – I have complete faith that the net will appear when I need it. I just have to be brave enough to leap.

I took a small leap with last week’s trip to Omaha. I met with people at UNL. I looked at apartments. I spent time with Himself on his turf. (Which was so great, by the way. It’s just so easy to be with him, sweet and fun no matter what we are doing. Oh, how I miss him!)

I took a little larger leap this morning when I told my boss about my plans. He wasn’t surprised. And I wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t surprised. Three months may seem like a lot of notice but he is working on the budget scenario for the next fiscal year and my departure could have fairly significant ramifications on the operations of my department. Given the current economic climate here in Illinois, and specifically at the University of Illinois, it is entirely possible that they may not be allowed to replace me. I wanted to let him know as early as possible so he will have time to consider how best to move forward.

I just have to take a moment here. When I was talking with my boss this morning, he said that I will be sorely missed and my work is exemplary. Exemplary. Wow, just writing it gets me all verklempt. I try to do good work, to produce the best possible product – whether that product is a letter, a publication, or an event – but ‘exemplary’ is a word used for people who excel, who go above and beyond, who exceed expectations. I just do my job. I am flattered and humbled that he thinks so highly of me. (And yet obviously full enough of myself that I wanted to share it here.)

Since I started taking action to make my dreams reality, the pieces have started to easily fall into place. I got the part-time job at the grocery store in order to save money for this move. I identified a relatively easy source of money to keep me afloat until I find a decent job after I move. Things with Himself are great. My family and friends all support my decision. I found an apartment that is a great space and the right price. The feedback I got at UNL last week was encouraging. Most importantly, I feel contentment and peace about this decision. There is a bit of nervousness but no anxiety. My gut is telling me this is the right thing. My gut is never wrong.

This is a leap into the unknown. This is an opportunity to trust myself and God. This is a chance to reach for my own constellation of happiness, satisfaction, and accomplishment.

I am so excited and so ready to take this leap!