Saturday, November 7, 2009

Someday I will have good news. Today is not that day.

A month ago, I spent the weekend with Himself and we had a serious conversation about us. I came home feeling like the weekend was an ending and determined to shift my focus to other areas of my life.

I joined a gym and I am getting into the habit of going (and sort of, almost enjoying it) but I haven’t found a way to distract myself from Himself. We have stayed in pretty much the same contact as we have for months and he continues to say and do things that confuse me. So I started yet another conversation about us a couple nights ago and forced him to give me definite answers.

He loves me. He likes me. He wants me. I am as important to him as two of his oldest, dearest friends; he says he talks to me a lot more than he talks to them. But I am too far away and he doesn’t have the time/money/energy/interest in pursuing a long distance relationship and he doubts he ever will have the interest, even when the time, money, and energy are available.

We talked very seriously for about an hour…then chatted about everything and nothing for another FOUR HOURS. This phone call started at almost 11 p.m. on a week night, I had to get up at 6 a.m., yet we talked until 4 a.m. just because we were enjoying each other’s company.


I need to find the strength and courage to say goodbye to Himself. I want to change how I feel so we can stay friends but I don’t know how. Maybe I need to give it time. Or maybe I need to put my big girl panties on and make the cut. I’ve done it before…but that man didn’t mean nearly as much to me as Himself does. For the time being, every time I have a hopeful thought where Himself is concerned, I remind myself that he doesn’t want me the way I want him to.

I am mad at myself, mad at Himself, and mad at the world. I feel defeated, hopeless, helpless, and weak.


  1. The only thing I know is that if people truly want to be together, they will find a way. Otherwise, only excuses come up.

    It sucks, I know it does.

  2. oww...none that sounds like a lot of fun...the distance thing is a killer ...its best to see that in the light....its sounds like your doing that..however unpleasant it makes you feel.... :)

  3. This is what I would tell me sisters and/or daughters: I believe that you can not stay "friends" with this man. Every time you talk to him your hopes are raised and then dashed. It is a vicious cycle that is not healthy for YOU at all.

  4. {hugs}

    I have no real helpful words, tho I've been there and it sucks ass thru a straw.

    I have found chatting with new and interesting flirtatious individuals online a helpful distraction sometimes... ;)

  5. I second Fannie. It's time to move on, babe...

  6. Hugs. Sorry. that sucks. I'm praying for you peace, Violet.

  7. I'm sorry you are hurting. If it's meant to be, you and Himself will find a way. If not - that's okay too.

    Great job going to the gym!!

  8. Lawgirl - you're right. I've been telling myself that for months but I never listen.

    Trey - I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse if the only issue is the distance. I am worth the effort, dammit!

    Fannie - You’re right, it’s not healthy for me. I will make the break…I just need to get to the point where I have the courage to do it.

    Ivy - I think I’m swearing off of men for a while. And I’m definitely swearing off of online dating! LOL

    Julie - Funny how things work – your comment is the one that brought the tears…because I know you are right. Dammit.

    Greenie - Thank you. I know I will find peace again because, dammit, I’ve been through this before. But I swear it hurts worse each time.

    Lindy - Thanks for the encouragement on both fronts! I’m so torn right now – trying to accept that Himself and I are not meant to be but still not able to let go of that dream. My head knows that it’s okay if we don’t end up together…my heart does not want to get on board with that.

  9. I do not think you are weak. This shit is HARD. It's one thing to realize what you need to do, what's best for you... and another monster entirely to actually do it. (Hello? Prime example here.)

    Anyway, be strong and believe in yourself. And remember that you deserve someone who is INTERESTED and willing- no, MORE than willing- EXCITED to put in the effort.

    And the "big girl panties" made me LOL.

  10. Stephanie - thanks for the reminder that I deserve someone who is excited about me. I don't often forget how fabulous I am but I do forget that other people should think I am, too.

  11. Cut it before it kills you and move on. Bigger and brighter things are around the corner.