A month ago, I spent the weekend with Himself and we had a serious conversation about us. I came home feeling like the weekend was an ending and determined to shift my focus to other areas of my life.
I joined a gym and I am getting into the habit of going (and sort of, almost enjoying it) but I haven’t found a way to distract myself from Himself. We have stayed in pretty much the same contact as we have for months and he continues to say and do things that confuse me. So I started yet another conversation about us a couple nights ago and forced him to give me definite answers.
He loves me. He likes me. He wants me. I am as important to him as two of his oldest, dearest friends; he says he talks to me a lot more than he talks to them. But I am too far away and he doesn’t have the time/money/energy/interest in pursuing a long distance relationship and he doubts he ever will have the interest, even when the time, money, and energy are available.
We talked very seriously for about an hour…then chatted about everything and nothing for another FOUR HOURS. This phone call started at almost 11 p.m. on a week night, I had to get up at 6 a.m., yet we talked until 4 a.m. just because we were enjoying each other’s company.
I need to find the strength and courage to say goodbye to Himself. I want to change how I feel so we can stay friends but I don’t know how. Maybe I need to give it time. Or maybe I need to put my big girl panties on and make the cut. I’ve done it before…but that man didn’t mean nearly as much to me as Himself does. For the time being, every time I have a hopeful thought where Himself is concerned, I remind myself that he doesn’t want me the way I want him to.
I am mad at myself, mad at Himself, and mad at the world. I feel defeated, hopeless, helpless, and weak.