Melancholy

I do not need this much time to think. Let me put that another way – it’s not good for anyone when I have this much time to think. In the last 4 weeks, I have had hours and hours and HOURS with nothing better to do. I wish I could report that I have spent a lot of those hours counting my blessings and thanking God for the wonderful things in my life…but I can’t. All that thinking time, combined with the discomfort and frustration of my recovery, has left me melancholy.

I should have spent my time engaged in edifying activities like completing crossword puzzles, reading mind-expanding material, and playing board games with my mom…but I didn’t. I think I’m almost caught up on all of the seasons of America’s Next Top Model, I know exactly what Stacy and Clinton want to see on What Not to Wear, I got sucked into watching The Biggest Loser (oh, if you only knew how ironic that one is!), and I even succumbed to Dancing with the Stars. American Idol is breathing down my neck, I can feel it. I love to read, yet I haven’t been able to concentrate enough to read more than a few pages of the novel I was devouring before surgery.

After pleasing me with his birthday and Valentine cards, Himself has been disappointing during these post-surgery weeks. I fear that the Tall One has given up fighting and is back in active addiction. (More on those two later.) Mom went home a week ago so now I have to do everything myself. Because I am still using a cane, doing for myself is difficult and frustrating. Even something as relatively easy as emptying the dishwasher takes twice as long as it should.

I feel forgotten this time around. Last fall, when I had the first knee done, I was showered with cards, phone calls, visits, and people asking if they could help me in any way. This time, not so much. I know now just how uplifting those little things can be – I am determined that I will remember that and reach out to others whenever I can.

Sweet mother of God, what a whiner I am! Thank you for indulging me in my moment of melancholy. That’s all it is – a moment. I will get back to being grateful for the many good things in my life. But first, I think it’s almost time for another episode of Jon & Kate + 8.