Letting go

I feel like I just let go of the best balloon ever.

Monday I decided that I can't keep pretending that Himself and I are 'just friends.' That's all he wants right now but it's not all I want...and I can't keep trying to convince myself that it's ok.

So I told him we can't go on. I am in love with him and I want the whole package. He wasn't happy about it. He doesn't want to lose me but said he will respect my decision. He was typically Himself - loving, kind, sweet, but straightforward and very honest about things. There just isn't room in his life right now for a long distance romantic relationship.

We both feel that there wouldn't be a problem if we were in the same place. That just breaks my heart - this wonderful, amazing man is over there wanting me and I am here wanting him but circumstances are keeping us apart. Ultimately, distance and money (or the lack thereof) have mortally wounded this sweet love.

Himself wouldn't say 'goodbye.' He said "talk to you later" and "good night" but wouldn't say the actual words. I could hear the sorrow and regret in his voice. He believes that if we are meant to be, God will bring us back together. He believes that we will at least talk again. I pray that will happen.

My heart is shattered. I want to crawl under the covers and lay there quietly until it stops hurting. And yet, I am numb. And asking myself how I could let go of the man of my dreams. And raging at God that He brought this man into my life only to leave him *just* out of reach. And astonished that I did this to myself. I chose to let go.

The sky is clear and bright blue today. Just the kind of day for letting go of a beautiful, beloved balloon. I wonder how long I'll stare into the distance, watching it float away. I think it may be a long, very long time.