Grace in small things #4

1. Spending some really enjoyable time with the Tall One and having a blast playing "name that tune" by picking videos on youtube.

2. Cooking a nice meal for him. In 11 years of marriage to The Ex, I never knew how much I love taking care of a man. Right now, it's a balm to my spirit.

3. A generous but (for once) not needed offer from my parents.

4. Online friends, especially my West Coast Angel. Even though we've never met, I know the sentiments in the comments people send are genuine...and that is such a sweet thing.

5. Spring rain.

Letting go

I feel like I just let go of the best balloon ever.

Monday I decided that I can't keep pretending that Himself and I are 'just friends.' That's all he wants right now but it's not all I want...and I can't keep trying to convince myself that it's ok.

So I told him we can't go on. I am in love with him and I want the whole package. He wasn't happy about it. He doesn't want to lose me but said he will respect my decision. He was typically Himself - loving, kind, sweet, but straightforward and very honest about things. There just isn't room in his life right now for a long distance romantic relationship.

We both feel that there wouldn't be a problem if we were in the same place. That just breaks my heart - this wonderful, amazing man is over there wanting me and I am here wanting him but circumstances are keeping us apart. Ultimately, distance and money (or the lack thereof) have mortally wounded this sweet love.

Himself wouldn't say 'goodbye.' He said "talk to you later" and "good night" but wouldn't say the actual words. I could hear the sorrow and regret in his voice. He believes that if we are meant to be, God will bring us back together. He believes that we will at least talk again. I pray that will happen.

My heart is shattered. I want to crawl under the covers and lay there quietly until it stops hurting. And yet, I am numb. And asking myself how I could let go of the man of my dreams. And raging at God that He brought this man into my life only to leave him *just* out of reach. And astonished that I did this to myself. I chose to let go.

The sky is clear and bright blue today. Just the kind of day for letting go of a beautiful, beloved balloon. I wonder how long I'll stare into the distance, watching it float away. I think it may be a long, very long time.

March Madness

I have a passing interest in college sports. As in, if I'm passing a tv when a sporting event is on, I'll glance at it, maybe pause if something particularly exciting is happening, then keep on moving. I sorta-kinda follow Illinois basketball and football because I grew up here and I have to. It's the law. You can look it up.

But come March, I get very excited about the NCAA basketball tourney. I fill out my bracket and then check the stats obsessively to see which picks get highlighted as wins and which ones get slashed. I'm not in a pool this year, I'm doing it just for my own amusement. Yes, I am easily amused.

I have no clue about the players, conferences, coaches, or the strengths and weaknesses of each team. But I have a very scientific selection process - and it does NOT involve mascots or uniform colors, thankyouverymuch.

Here at the end of the first round, I have 21 wins and 11 losses. Not bad, if I do say so myself. Last night I actually watched the games and found myself cheering for Wisconsin and THE Ohio State University. Do you know how hard that was for a girl from Illinois?? It's all about the brackets, baby - I wanted them to win so I had more highlighted teams on my sheet, not because I really want them to advance in the tournament. Wisconsin came through for me (Cheeseheads really are nice people) but THE OSU lost in the second OT to that cute little Siena team. They're plucky, those Saints, and I might have to root for Siena to win it all, which would completely screw my picks.

As far as Illinois' performance in the competition, I still can't talk about it. I'm almost as depressed as Chester Frazier. I wanted to give him a hug and a cookie, poor boy - he looked completely heartbroken at the end of the game and I'm sure he will spend the rest of his life cursing his injured hand, wishing he'd been able to play, and wondering how different the outcome would have been if he could.

There's always next year... (yep, kinda-sorta Cub fan, too.)

Grace in Small Things #3

1. My recent worry about the Tall One was unfounded. He called me early this week and is doing fine...in fact, seems stronger than he had for several weeks.

2. An epiphany about myself. (This may force me into action where Himself is concerned, but ultimately I'm thankful for the insight.)

3. Kraft caramels...yum.

4. Warm sun on my face, new green grass on the ground, and good conversation while driving with a dear friend.

5. The first day of spring!!

Melancholy

I do not need this much time to think. Let me put that another way – it’s not good for anyone when I have this much time to think. In the last 4 weeks, I have had hours and hours and HOURS with nothing better to do. I wish I could report that I have spent a lot of those hours counting my blessings and thanking God for the wonderful things in my life…but I can’t. All that thinking time, combined with the discomfort and frustration of my recovery, has left me melancholy.

I should have spent my time engaged in edifying activities like completing crossword puzzles, reading mind-expanding material, and playing board games with my mom…but I didn’t. I think I’m almost caught up on all of the seasons of America’s Next Top Model, I know exactly what Stacy and Clinton want to see on What Not to Wear, I got sucked into watching The Biggest Loser (oh, if you only knew how ironic that one is!), and I even succumbed to Dancing with the Stars. American Idol is breathing down my neck, I can feel it. I love to read, yet I haven’t been able to concentrate enough to read more than a few pages of the novel I was devouring before surgery.

After pleasing me with his birthday and Valentine cards, Himself has been disappointing during these post-surgery weeks. I fear that the Tall One has given up fighting and is back in active addiction. (More on those two later.) Mom went home a week ago so now I have to do everything myself. Because I am still using a cane, doing for myself is difficult and frustrating. Even something as relatively easy as emptying the dishwasher takes twice as long as it should.

I feel forgotten this time around. Last fall, when I had the first knee done, I was showered with cards, phone calls, visits, and people asking if they could help me in any way. This time, not so much. I know now just how uplifting those little things can be – I am determined that I will remember that and reach out to others whenever I can.

Sweet mother of God, what a whiner I am! Thank you for indulging me in my moment of melancholy. That’s all it is – a moment. I will get back to being grateful for the many good things in my life. But first, I think it’s almost time for another episode of Jon & Kate + 8.

Grace in Small Things #2

Today's list is thanks to my sister and her sweet family, who are visiting poor, gimpy Auntie Vi...

1. 2-year-old twin giggles.

2. My niece sitting quietly on my lap for half of a storybook.

3. Napping with a dog, something I haven't done in almost a year.

4. Toddler tummies.

5. Watching American Idol with my sister and bro-in-law after the babies crashed. I don't even watch it, but it was fun.

Bonus #6. An unexpected, fun phone call from Himself, who has been disappointing and confusing me lately.

Grace in Small Things #1

I've enjoyed reading the Grace posts on so many blogs for quite a while but just haven't gotten around to starting my own series. Maybe partly because I felt daunted by the "rule" of posting every day. Well, I just decided that I don't have to post anything every day unless I want to. So there.

I'm having a bad day and after reading SheShe's GiST post today, I decided it's time to start my own. You'll probably hear more about my bad day later, but right now it's about the happy little things:

1. The smell of homemade marinara sauce simmering on the stove.

2. Anticipating the first bite of cookie-brownies, fresh out of the oven. (Glorioski, these are good!)

3. Leftover homemade macaroni and cheese. (Gee, think I'm hungry?)

4. My knee feeling good enough to make the marinara and the brownies.

5. Starting PT again with the same therapist I had in the fall. Cool guy, good workout, nice that he knows my history.