At the risk of bringing everybody down

My Christmas sucked golf balls.

Christmas Day was without question the worst Christmas of my life. I was supposed to fly to my parents' on Christmas Eve but all AA flights out of O'Hare were cancelled. They could have "tried" to get me on a flight Christmas Day afternoon but *if* it was successful, I would have gotten to my parents in the early evening. So I decided to stay home, save the travel voucher for a better time and a longer trip. So, alone for only the second time in my life on the biggest family holiday of the year.

Add in that Himself is AWOL. He IM'd me Mon evening to thank me for the very small gift I sent him. When we said goodbye, he said he would call or write (email or IM) again soon*. I haven't heard from him since. No call to wish me a good trip. No call in response to my voicemail that the flights were cancelled and I'd be at home alone. No call on Christmas Eve. NO CALL ON CHRISTMAS DAY. To date, no response to my two messages and one text. And I won't even mention how he didn't send me a card.

He is going through a horrible time in his life but that doesn't excuse him from the basic responsibilities that come with being in a relationship, even long distance. In my not-at-all-humble opinion, that includes a phone call on major holidays and a card on Christmas and my birthday. Preferably a really mushy card that tells me how much he adores me...but I digress.

I swing from anger to worry (lots and lots of worry) to absolute confusion...often in the same minute. I have considered every possible "reason" for his disappearance - maybe his phone is broken (which doesn't excuse him, he could email or borrow a friend's phone), maybe he is deceiving me in one of a thousand ways, maybe he is dead on the side of the road. All of the possibilities are ugly. The most likely scenario is that he is being self-centered and thoughtless.

I don't know what to think. I do know that this is eroding my trust in him. A relationship without trust is nothing. My gut still tells me that he has been truthful with me and my gut is almost never wrong. But still...

Holidays have been difficult since I got divorced five years ago, but this one definitely takes the cake. I vow that Christmas 2009 will be happier, even if I have to kill someone to make it happen.

Ho ho ho. Yeah.

* "soon" in boyspeak = sometime between now and when he dies.