Sunday, January 23, 2011

Self-Mutiliation

Me and Aron Ralston. Cutting off body parts to save our own lives.

He cut off his arm, I cut out part of my heart. With a dull paring knife. OK, maybe not, but it feels like I did. Well, that’s not accurate, either, because right now the ragged edges of my heart are numb.

Very long story very short, I finally ended my relationship with Himself. I (finally) realized that I will never have the place in his life that I want, or the relationship I want, as long as his life stays the way it is. I believe that he wants to change it but I haven’t seen any effort to actually make changes and I can’t wait anymore. Quite suddenly, I find that I am done. I’m empty.

I am very glad that our last conversation went better than I hoped. I was able to say to him everything I wanted to say and he listened and responded with kindness, understanding, and love. Neither one of us thinks this is the end forever but, for me, it is the end unless/until he makes changes in his life that will allow him to make me a priority.

There is a Himself-shaped hole in my heart and I miss him so much it truly is a physical thing. Even so, I know that if I were to allow myself to get involved with him again before he makes those changes, I would only end up back here again.

I am absolutely certain that I did the right thing. I know this is for the best. I know all that.


I know.

Knowing it doesn’t change how I feel. When the numbness wears off, this is going to hurt.

A lot.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry. I know there's nothing I can say that will help you heal, but I will keep you in my thoughts and send good wishes that you'll heal sooner rather than later. Hugs.

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  2. I'm sorry and I understand. I just went through a divorce and it still hurts. But as everyone always says, it does get better.

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  3. Oh honey. I'm really sorry. But feeling empty is kind of a good sign I think. I'm praying for you. It's time for somebody to fill YOUR bucket.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear that, but proud of you for doing what's best for you.

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  5. So proud of you for staying true to you. Just take one moment at a time, until you can take two...

    Aaron didn't get out of his hole alone. I'm here if you need me, and so is God.

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  6. I am sorry you are hurting. Doing the right thing is rarely easy.

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