I have been putting off writing about the latest development with Himself because I am still trying to come to terms with it.
In fact, I still can't bring myself to tell you exactly what happened. All I will say is that Himself made some choices that now make it impossible for us to be anything more than friends. He didn't do anything illegal or abusive but his actions have permanently changed our relationship.
It’s three weeks before my move to Lincoln and instead of just obsessing about how much packing I have to do and whether all the pieces of the moving puzzle will fall right into place when they are supposed to be there, and instead of happy dancing around in anticipation and excitement…I am either walking around in an emotionless fog or spontaneously breaking into tears at the drop of, well, nothing.
I am still moving to Lincoln. I have said all along that I had no idea if/how things would work out with Himself. I want to go to UNL and get my degree in event planning. Now I know that the other half of my dream is dead – I know how things (didn’t) work out with Himself. Now I will turn my focus completely to my education and professional goals.
Himself doesn't think anything needs to change between us, but I have set up clear boundaries with him: We can only be friends. Himself said he will respect my boundaries and I know he will. In the moments when I am completely honest with myself, I know that I can’t maintain a “just friends” relationship with him. I love him too much for that. I think I am waiting until I have the chance to say goodbye in person. I want that. I deserve that.
But I will say goodbye. When I am ready. And that will be MY time, not yours, not my sisters’, not Himself’s. MY time. And anybody who doesn’t agree with my timeline can piss off.
So, there it is. I believe Himself has always been honest with me and that he has made some seriously stupid choices…but maybe I am a naïve fool. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. The situation is what it is and I am reacting to it in a way that is true to myself.