Sunday, July 11, 2010

So, ok...

deep breath

I have been putting off writing about the latest development with Himself because I am still trying to come to terms with it.

In fact, I still can't bring myself to tell you exactly what happened. All I will say is that Himself made some choices that now make it impossible for us to be anything more than friends. He didn't do anything illegal or abusive but his actions have permanently changed our relationship.


It’s three weeks before my move to Lincoln and instead of just obsessing about how much packing I have to do and whether all the pieces of the moving puzzle will fall right into place when they are supposed to be there, and instead of happy dancing around in anticipation and excitement…I am either walking around in an emotionless fog or spontaneously breaking into tears at the drop of, well, nothing.

I am still moving to Lincoln. I have said all along that I had no idea if/how things would work out with Himself. I want to go to UNL and get my degree in event planning. Now I know that the other half of my dream is dead – I know how things (didn’t) work out with Himself. Now I will turn my focus completely to my education and professional goals.

Himself doesn't think anything needs to change between us, but I have set up clear boundaries with him: We can only be friends. Himself said he will respect my boundaries and I know he will. In the moments when I am completely honest with myself, I know that I can’t maintain a “just friends” relationship with him. I love him too much for that. I think I am waiting until I have the chance to say goodbye in person. I want that. I deserve that.

But I will say goodbye. When I am ready. And that will be MY time, not yours, not my sisters’, not Himself’s. MY time. And anybody who doesn’t agree with my timeline can piss off.

So, there it is. I believe Himself has always been honest with me and that he has made some seriously stupid choices…but maybe I am a na├»ve fool. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. The situation is what it is and I am reacting to it in a way that is true to myself.

6 comments:

  1. First of all, love the new site design.

    Second of all - are you sure that it's a deal-breaker? Granted, I don't know what he's done, but I know that I have allowed myself to sabotage myself because I was afraid. Is this something really bad or is it something you're allowing to blow up into being that bad because it saves you from having to make a commitment?

    Not judging - just asking. :D

    When I first started dating my fiance, I found out that he had lied to me about something. And because my last two relationship were so bad and I had overlooked things I shouldn't have, I was ready to drop him like a hot potato. But, I couldn't stop crying at the idea of being without him. We worked through it and I'm so happy.

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  2. Big Hugs.

    You absolutely have to do what's best for you in the long run, and say goodbye when you're ready if it just won't work.

    I admire your strength!

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  3. Way to stick up for yourself and your beliefs! Congrats on still going through with the move and pursuing your goals.

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  4. You have to do what is right for YOU, and WHEN it is right for you to do it. No one else has a say in that; it is strictly up to you. I wish you the best in everything!

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  5. Oh, Honey!!!! I'm SO sorry! I hope you're feeling a little better now. I know how hard this is for you.

    Take care of yourself and do what you feel is right for you.

    {{{hugs}}}

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  6. Shit. I'm always late. I'm reading this at a rather rough time in my own life, so I wanted to curl up and cry after I was finished. Men suck. But you're right. You can only do what's best for YOU and there is nothing wrong with that. No one else can say what is or what should be or what could be or what you should do about it. Only you know. And the best thing you can do is what feels right to you. God, is any of this making sense? I think I've lost my mind.

    My heart aches for you, but I KNOW... I have FAITH... that happiness is yours and SOON.

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