One Year

I met Himself in person in Chicago one year ago this weekend. I looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes and thought I’d found the man of my dreams. I was so full of love, so full of hope. Today, after a year without seeing him, the love is still very strong but the hope is almost dead.

Two weeks ago he said, “I love you, I always will. We have something special, but the timing is off, the distance is there, and it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other.” In my not-at-all humble opinion, “I love you, BUT…” is never a good thing.

Just how special can it be, just how much can he love me, if he hasn’t been compelled even ONCE to overcome the obstacles to see me? I would have moved mountains to see him. I would have eaten peanut butter for a month to save money for a plane ticket. I still would. It’s been the absolute worst year of his life and he’s still dealing with it. A big part of me believes that the turmoil in his life is the only thing that has kept us apart (and still hopes things will change as his life improves). But it’s been a year.

I have tried to change this before. I tried being just friends, I even tried cutting off communication with him. I couldn’t stick with it because I love him and I am in love with him. It may sound silly coming from a 44-year-old woman, but I’ve never felt this way before. I still think he is wonderful – handsome, sweet, intelligent, ambitious, witty, self-assured, compassionate, straightforward, sexy – and everything I ever wanted in a man. I’m still starry-eyed about him…when I’m not crying.

I’m trying to let go. I’ve had enough confusion and heartache and dashed hopes. I’ve lost some of my innate optimism. I am becoming cynical and that is unacceptable. And yet, the idea of completely breaking ties with him is incomprehensible.

I am heartsore today. I am tired and angry and sad. I can’t help but remember where we were, what we were doing at any given moment a year ago. I remember how happy I was, how handsome and dashing he was, how sweet and right it was to be with him.

I wish I had the strength to tell him “all or nothing” and walk away. I am not a coward when it comes to ending relationships. I’ve done it before with other men but I just can’t seem to let Himself go. I keep telling myself it is the right thing to do but something stops me, something keeps telling me to wait.

Maybe it’s not time yet. Maybe I’m just a fool.