Sunday, May 31, 2009

One Year

I met Himself in person in Chicago one year ago this weekend. I looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes and thought I’d found the man of my dreams. I was so full of love, so full of hope. Today, after a year without seeing him, the love is still very strong but the hope is almost dead.

Two weeks ago he said, “I love you, I always will. We have something special, but the timing is off, the distance is there, and it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other.” In my not-at-all humble opinion, “I love you, BUT…” is never a good thing.

Just how special can it be, just how much can he love me, if he hasn’t been compelled even ONCE to overcome the obstacles to see me? I would have moved mountains to see him. I would have eaten peanut butter for a month to save money for a plane ticket. I still would. It’s been the absolute worst year of his life and he’s still dealing with it. A big part of me believes that the turmoil in his life is the only thing that has kept us apart (and still hopes things will change as his life improves). But it’s been a year.

I have tried to change this before. I tried being just friends, I even tried cutting off communication with him. I couldn’t stick with it because I love him and I am in love with him. It may sound silly coming from a 44-year-old woman, but I’ve never felt this way before. I still think he is wonderful – handsome, sweet, intelligent, ambitious, witty, self-assured, compassionate, straightforward, sexy – and everything I ever wanted in a man. I’m still starry-eyed about him…when I’m not crying.

I’m trying to let go. I’ve had enough confusion and heartache and dashed hopes. I’ve lost some of my innate optimism. I am becoming cynical and that is unacceptable. And yet, the idea of completely breaking ties with him is incomprehensible.

I am heartsore today. I am tired and angry and sad. I can’t help but remember where we were, what we were doing at any given moment a year ago. I remember how happy I was, how handsome and dashing he was, how sweet and right it was to be with him.

I wish I had the strength to tell him “all or nothing” and walk away. I am not a coward when it comes to ending relationships. I’ve done it before with other men but I just can’t seem to let Himself go. I keep telling myself it is the right thing to do but something stops me, something keeps telling me to wait.

Maybe it’s not time yet. Maybe I’m just a fool.


  1. Oh, Violet............there are so many times I wished I had thought with my head and not my heart.
    If it's meant to will be and time and distance will not make any difference. Sometimes men just don't see what is right in front of them!!

  2. Actions speak louder than words babe.

    Sometimes you gotta let it be what it will be. Make sure you are doing what you need to do for yourself, every day!! It will happen if it is meant to, but it's got to be his steps to take.

    Sometimes with a little distance on our parts, while we're focusing on not neglecting ourselves, they tend to realize what it is that's right in front of them, so to speak.

    So take care of Violet, try to enjoy what's around you, and don't close yourself off to any opportunities from any direction. And you may just find yourself pleasantly surprised. It could very well be just not time yet.

  3. Uf, you do sound so heartbroken. I echo the other two comments--take care of you!

  4. I feel for you, I do, but a year is a long time. Can the time and distance have made you remember things as rosier than they were? I agree with Ivy, don't close yourself off and take care!

  5. Zel - He, too, has said that if we are meant to be then God will bring us together. IMO, he can't just leave it up to God, he has to make the effort.

    Ivy - yep, I remind myself all the time that actions speak louder than words...and he's taken no action. I am talking to my closest friends, making an effort to get out and do fun things, etc. If another opportunity comes along, I will take it - I would LOVE the chance.

    Greenie - I'm doing good things for myself, I'm actually really good at that! LOL Mary Alice won't let me get down on myself, either, even if she has to whack me upside the head to adjust my attitude. :)

    Fannie - I've been questioning this "relationship" for a long time but the anniversary really has me thinking. I have worried that I have idealized Himself over time but when I look back at some of our IM conversations, I know I haven't done that. Time will tell...and I have the strength to make a move in whatever direction when the time is right.

  6. Can you fly to him and surpise him? Maybe another meeting will sway him toward you? Just a thought.

    I know it hurts, but feeling so in love is the most alive feeling, isn't it?

    I wish you love and hope this is meant to be for you.

  7. Very heartfelt post. You will do what you need to do when you are ready to do it - whatever that may be and when ever that may be. Meanwhile I will hold you in the light.

  8. You're not silly and you're not a fool. You're heart is broken and I'm so, so sorry for that.

  9. dont let a long courtship sway you from being innocent....or if this turns out badly be careful how it jades you..

  10. Awww, I'm sorry. Men suck. LOL (Can I say suck on your blog? Because you know I usually say the F word but I'm new here!)