Watershed

If you had told me two weeks ago that I would soon spend a lovely weekend with Himself, I would have laughed, said “Shyeah, right!”, thanked you for being sweet, and kept on keeping on.

Well, I just spent a lovely weekend with Himself.

Here’s how it happened:

The situation with Himself had been stagnant-ish for months. It had been sixteen months since we spent time together – so many reasons for that but it boils down to his lack of commitment to make it happen. So a few weeks ago I (finally) decided I needed to start moving on and I joined a dating website.

For months on end, Himself stressed that he wasn’t available for a romantic relationship and that we were Just Friends – who knew what would happen in the future, but Just Friends for now. At one point, he even encouraged me to date other men. (Boy, that hurt.)

The night before I left for Florida, I told my Just Friend Himself that I joined that dating site and a couple of men were showing interest in me. Local-ish men who even said they wanted to meet me. This is the kind of thing that Just Friends share with each other, right? Well, Himself exploded. It turned into a HUGE discussion-slash-argument (now known as “The Horrible Conversation”). I kept reminding him of his justfriendsjustfriendsjustfriends mantra and he finally calmed down enough to admit that I was right about that and he didn’t know why he was so upset. The conversation ended ok but I was extremely surprised by his reaction and more confused than ever. His reaction was not that of someone who only has “friendly” feelings toward me.

While I was on vacation, he texted me almost every day. It was the kind of fun, flirty dialogue we engaged in months ago, before he we agreed to be Just Friends. I loved it but grew more confused as the days went on. The first time we talked after I got home, I asked him what was going on in his head. He said that he was as surprised as I was by his reaction – that he was upset by the idea of me moving on. That realization spurred him into action and he checked his calendar for open weekends and investigated locations where we could meet somewhere between where we each live. By the end of that conversation, we had made a date for this past weekend. I was shocked, to say the least.

He did not, I must tell you, promise that our relationship was going to change. In fact, he said that he didn’t know if it would but that he wanted to see me, spend time with me and, as he loves to say, “take it from there.” I, by the same token, did not expect the situation to turn on a dime. I’m a hopeful romantic and so very in love with him, but I am also a realist. While a tiny little part of me hoped that he would take one look at my face and realize that he has been a colossal fool, I knew that was the longest of long shots. I believed (and still do) that we need that face-to-face time to determine if anything is ever going to come of us. It has to start somewhere.

Friday, I drove to meet him. It was so sweet, so AMAZING, to see his face, to actually be in the same air space and he felt the same way. We had such a good time together – we spent Saturday afternoon wandering around a funky little shopping district, just browsing through the shops. It was easy, fun, sweet, and romantic...but his vibe felt different to me. He was thoroughly engaged with me but seemed slightly reserved.

This morning I addressed what I was feeling and we talked for a long, long time. Long story short (yeah, I know…too late), the geographical distance between us is insurmountable to him. His life is still crazy, he’s still struggling financially, he has so many obligations, blah blah blah. Everything he said is valid…but I believe if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen. I have tried to make this relationship happen any way I could because I want it bad enough. He apparently doesn’t.

This so completely sucks. He loves me, I don’t doubt that for a second. He says that if we lived in the same city, we would be dating. He said he wants to see me “when we can” but doesn’t know when that might be. I told him I’m not interested in a Same Time, Next Year situation.

I am thrilled that I saw him. I am so happy that our weekend together was everything I hoped it would be…except for the part when I said to him “we don’t want the same thing” and he didn’t disagree with me.

I still love him more than I thought possible.
I still hope that Himself and I will have a happily-ever-after.
I still think he is overwhelmed by his life and not able to see a way to fit me in right now.
I still believe that when his life settles down he will find a way.

But things are going to change around here. It’s time for me to focus on other things. I won’t hold my breath waiting for another glorious, sweet, loving, fun, happy weekend that is much too late in coming.

I deserve to be a priority. I will no longer settle for a place at the bottom of the list.