Self-Mutiliation

Me and Aron Ralston. Cutting off body parts to save our own lives.

He cut off his arm, I cut out part of my heart. With a dull paring knife. OK, maybe not, but it feels like I did. Well, that’s not accurate, either, because right now the ragged edges of my heart are numb.

Very long story very short, I finally ended my relationship with Himself. I (finally) realized that I will never have the place in his life that I want, or the relationship I want, as long as his life stays the way it is. I believe that he wants to change it but I haven’t seen any effort to actually make changes and I can’t wait anymore. Quite suddenly, I find that I am done. I’m empty.

I am very glad that our last conversation went better than I hoped. I was able to say to him everything I wanted to say and he listened and responded with kindness, understanding, and love. Neither one of us thinks this is the end forever but, for me, it is the end unless/until he makes changes in his life that will allow him to make me a priority.

There is a Himself-shaped hole in my heart and I miss him so much it truly is a physical thing. Even so, I know that if I were to allow myself to get involved with him again before he makes those changes, I would only end up back here again.

I am absolutely certain that I did the right thing. I know this is for the best. I know all that.

I know.

Knowing it doesn’t change how I feel. When the numbness wears off, this is going to hurt.

A lot.

By Request – New Friends

Make new friends,
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other’s gold.

I don’t make friends easily. Sure, I am friendly with people and comfortable starting conversations with strangers and new acquaintances, but I’m never quite sure how to make the transition from casual work/church/wherever conversations to real friendship, spending time together and building a relationship. Maybe I’m picky, maybe people only like me in small doses, I don’t know. It’s something that I think about sometimes, but in a curious way, it’s not something that bothers me.

When I moved to Nebraska in August, I knew it would take time for me to find friends. It’s hard to make new friends when you are a grown up. It’s especially hard to make new friends when you are a single, childless, petless, female grown up in a new town – where do you find like-minded people when you don’t have an automatic jumping-off point? Since I’m not a guy, I don’t hang out in sports bars, and I can’t afford my hobbies (quilting, needlework, and beading) anymore, so work and church are the only obvious spots.

I started my new job in late October. On my second or third day there, BossMan (hee, that makes him sound like a paunchy, middle-aged, middle manager which he is so not!) sent me to sit with three more experienced coworkers to observe and absorb some of the process of our work. The first two were pleasant, friendly ladies who were very nice but also very business-only. I enjoyed sitting with them but didn’t feel anything more than a collegial, workmate connection.

When I sat down with Sarah, the last of the three, it was one of those moments when my soul said, “Hey, I know you!” Maybe that sounds weird but it happens to me every once in a while – I meet someone and it’s like they’ve always been there but I haven’t seen them for a very, very long time. Sarah was professional and described what she was doing but we also started chatting and I liked her right away. I remember thinking, “Cool – I found my girl!”

Making friends is like dating: “Does she really like me? Does she like me as much as I like her? Should I ask her out for lunch? Am I coming on too strong?” For the next couple of weeks, Sarah and I chatted occasionally but I, with my typical reticence when it comes to new relationships (one of the reasons I call myself an introverted extrovert), played it cool. Then one day I was having a bad day, feeling really lonely, and I mentioned it to Sarah. She immediately invited me to a trick or treat party hosted by some other friends and I accepted. Sarah later told me that she’d been looking for an opening and my admission of loneliness was perfect timing. I guess I’m not the only one who isn’t completely secure in the friendmaking dance!

I went to the party and met Tonya and Gabrielle, and we clicked, too. Since then, the four of us have started meeting once a week for “girls’ night”. I feel so lucky that I found not only one kindred spirit here in my new town but three! They are so much fun, they are loving, compassionate women, and they seem to be tolerating enjoying my neuroses quirks panache. I am enjoying them so much!

2010 in Twelve Words (plus two)

January - calm
February - goals
March - lists
April - grocery girl
May - planning
June - exhausted
July - boxes
August - Nebraska!
September - unemployed
October - content
November - new friends
December - lovefest

Things I hate

Dill
Nuts (although pecans and almonds are growing on me)
Cold weather (I'm in trouble, friends. It's coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.)
Celery (raw celery makes my tongue numb)
Socks and shoes
White noise
Prima donnas
Wearing a jacket or coat
Milk (I know, I'm weird.)
Washing the dishes

But more than anything else right now, I hate sitting at a desk with no work to do.

Seriously, I have absolutely nothing to do. I have answered the phone three times this morning and that's about it. Yes, Dad, I hear you whispering that it's easy money and you're right, but sitting here with no work is very stressful for me. Especially when it's a temp job and I've only been here a week - I want to make a good impression (although I guess I am - yesterday I was told that if I need one, they would gladly provide a recommendation for me "and it would be glowing.") and I want to help out. I'm doing everything they want me to do...I guess I just need to accept that this is a very quiet position in a very quiet office.

But I don't have to like it.

Update: That was this morning. I just had an interview for a permanent position, number 6 or 7, I think. I hate interviewing more than I hate having nothing to do. I hate putting myself out there to be judged over and over again. I hate that I know how good I am but apparently I am not conveying that. And I hate feeling so frustrated about the whole thing.

Harumph.

Bits and Bobs

I don't tweet but I have had lots of thoughts recently that I then thought would make good twitters (tweets? twits? chirps?). These are some of them:

I heard The Young and the Restless theme song (also known as "Nadia's Theme") just now. I cannot stand Y&R plus I am usually at work at this time of day, so it has been years and years since I heard it. I had forgotten what a pretty song it is.



Honeycrisp apples - yum!!

My parents were here this weekend. Good visit but it didn't go completely unmarred. Friday night, my mother said, "I am proud of you for cleaning the kitchen before you go to bed." Yes, she really did. *sigh*

Looks like I will start a temp job very soon. I want to get back to work - I need to make money and I need to fill my days - but part of me is sorry this "empty" time is coming to an end.

I love to read but I also love books themselves.

I found a little article in Midwest Living about cake balls. I am inspired to try new flavor combinations!

What's in your head today?

Meet my bestie

This is my BFF, the fabulous Mary Alice:

She just started her own blog. She has decided to chronicle her weight loss journey as a way to stay focused and strong.

I'd love it if you would drop by her blog and leave a comment. I know how wonderful your encouraging comments are - and I know she would be tickled by them, too.

If you never hear from me again it's because Mary Alice murdered me for posting this picture. It was worth it - I have no remorse.

Goodbye, old friends

Today I say a sad, fond goodbye to Carly, Jack, Lisa, Tom, Margo, Lucinda, Lily, Holden, Luke, Noah, Katie, Henry, Nancy, Kim, Bob and so many others.

Today marks the end of As the World Turns, one of the longest-running soap operas in television history.

I am a third generation ATWT fan. My Grammie and my mom watched ATWT from the first episode, when Nancy Hughes said "Good morning, dear" to her beloved husband, Chris. Mom was ironing and watching the show in 1963 when it was interrupted for Walter Cronkite's announcement to the world that President John F. Kennedy had been shot. As the World Turns is part of my memory as far back as I can remember. I remember how exciting it was when ATWT expanded from 30 minutes to an hour. Mom and I used to talk about the show's characters as if they were real friends or family members.

There were so many storylines that captured me: Tom and Margo's battle of the mind against Mr. Big...James Stenbeck's seemingly infinite rebirths (rock solid soap opera rule: if there is no body, there is no death)...Marcy's marriage to a prince...Lily and Holden's roller coaster romance from teenage first love to happily married couple to divorced parents and everything in between...Lisa and Kim's many marriages and their own catfights...Lucinda's boardroom machinations...Craig's repeated choices to do the wrong things for the right reasons...Steve and Betsy's star-crossed romance...John and Bob's heroic efforts to cure any and all ailments that befell a resident of Oakdale, Illinois...Barbara's shift from beleagured victim to vengeful shrew to wise mother.

(Growing up in central Illinois as I did, it always amused me when the show referred to its location. There is a real Oakdale, Illinois - a tiny little town deep in southern Illinois, much closer to St. Louis than Chicago. The fictitious Oakdale is only an hour or so from downtown Chicago, boasts a world-class hospital, an international airport, and a thriving corporate environment.)

My favorite couple has always been Carly and Jack. I don't know why but I identified with Carly from the very beginning, even though she was a bad girl who loved to scheme (so not me). She loved Jack from the moment she saw him and Jack loved her just as deeply. He was her G-Man and her True North even though their natures were often at odds and repeatedly tore them apart. Recently, their story has paralleled my own life in a strange way.

I rarely watched any other soap (I did flirt with General Hospital in 1983 - I had to find out why all the other girls were swooning over Luke and Laura), but I didn't need another one. As the World Turns was over the top and fantastic, sure, but it always seemed to keep one foot on the ground so that everything that happened seemed *almost* possible.

One of my favorite things about ATWT was that the story never ended - there was always more, always something new, always another adventure, romance, intrigue, or disaster around the corner. I never had to close the book or click the remote, sigh, and wish I had more time with the characters I had come to love.

Today, the story ends...and I will sigh, and cry a little, but As the World Turns will never stop turning in my heart.