Snow Plow Stories

I saw this outside Target this morning:

My theory is that the car's owner is an employee of one of the stores nearby. The owner angered the snow plow driver because:

a - she, a David's Bridal employee, jilted him in favor of the Radio Shack manager because he works more predictible hours. Not to mention earns a bigger paycheck, which probably means he will take her to Red Lobster instead of Steak n' Shake for their first date.

b - she, a Dots employee, turned him down when he asked her out, and not in a nice way. Those Dots girls can be a little rough. When she discovered her car buried in snow, she called her brothers. The snow plow driver won't explain the new limp and broken nose to his coworkers.

c - he, the Radio Shack manager, dissed the snow plow, calling it a Tonka truck when the snow plow driver came into the store to buy a universal television remote. He's been feeling a little too big for his britches ever since he was promoted and Miss David's Bridal finally accepted his dinner invitation. He drives a primer-painted 1988 Plymouth Sundance that he plans to get repainted now that he is manager. It will be expensive so he hopes Miss David's Bridal won't mind when he takes her to Steak n' Shake for their first date.

d - she, a coed from the local university, cut him off while she was texting and driving. Ironically, she was texting her friends to tell them to take the Oprah No Phone Zone pledge. She regretted her actions as soon as she emerged from Target, where she purchased a Valentine card that will prove to be a horrible mistake. She doesn't know yet that she will never wear the Dyeables shoes she ordered from David's Bridal that exactly match her dress for the sorority house Valentine formal.

What's your theory?

Grace in Small Things #17 - The Winter Doldrums Edition

1. Sunshine! Well, almost sunshine.

2. Mike & Ike Lemonade Blends.


3. A Bed Buddy
4. Yak Trax

5. Patak's Tikka Masala sauce
6. There are only 52 days until spring.

(Please forgive my unruly images - they refuse to behave. Or please forgive me because I refuse to keep trying to force them to stay where I want them.)

Failbooking.com or Violet hasn't had anything interesting to say in weeks but she's feeling the need to post

see more funny facebook stuff!

Illinois, Illinois

Illinois State Song

By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,
O'er thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,
Comes an echo on the breeze,
Rustling through the leafy trees,
and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois,
And its mellow tones are these, Illinois.

From a wilderness of prairies, Illinois, Illinois,
Straight thy way and never varies, Illinois, Illinois,
Till upon the inland sea,
Stands thy great commerical tree,
turning all the world to thee, Illinois, Illinois,
Turning all the world to thee, Illinois.

When you heard your country calling, Illinois, Illinois,
Where the shot and shell were falling, Illinois, Illinois,
When the Southern host withdrew,
Pitting Gray against the Blue,
There were none more brave than you, Illinois, Illinois,
There were none more brave than you, Illinois.

Not without thy wondrous story, Illinois, Illinois,
Can be writ the nation's glory, Illinois, Illinois,
On the record of thy years,
Abraham Lincoln's name appears,
Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois, Illinois,
Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois.

written by C.H. Chamberlain, composed by Archibald Johnston
*
*
*
Yesterday, the local news was all about the mandatory furlough (unpaid time off) days imposed by my employer, the state’s largest public university.

Today, the news was all about the seven-year contract and multi-multi-multi-million dollar salary awarded to a professional baseball player.

The mental lava is still spewing from the volcanic explosion in my head so I am unable to verbalize my feelings about the juxtaposition of these two events…but I think you get it.
*
*
*
This morning, Mary Alice and I were discussing the distressing news that the health department in a neighboring county may be forced to close because the state has not paid the health department the funds due it this fiscal year. The state did, however, offer to LOAN the health department some money at 5% interest. (Flow, mental lava, flow.)

Mary Alice suggested that the Mafia may be running our state. I said, no, the Mafia would do a much better job of it.
*
*
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The whole country is in fiscal crisis, true...but I'm told that Illinois ranks above only California in our level of dire-straightedness. Ain't we special.

"...and our tears, Illinois, Illinois."

100...or Violet really does love a list, doesn't she?

Happy New Year! This is my 100th post. I've been avoiding writing about other things that are bouncing around in my head because I wanted to do the traditional '100 things' but I've been lazy since I got home from my sister's. I better get this published so I can get on with it, like telling you how amazing my nieces are, or about the Christmas gift from Mary Alice that is the happy end of a quest.

1. My first real job was as a phlebotomist at a hospital. I loved it and I was very good.
2. June bugs freak me out.
3. I detest washing the dishes.
4. My favorite color is green.
5. I was a Brownie but not a Girl Scout.
6. I was in 4-H.
7. I don’t eat chocolate candy in the wintertime – it doesn’t melt right.
8. I love to recycle. I mean, I LOVE to recycle. It’s weird.
9. But I can’t be bothered to recycle plastic grocery bags. It irritates me to have to save them and take them back to the store. I really should get a bunch of those re-usable bags.
10. I have a very strong sense of direction and never get lost.
11. I love to dance and sing.
12. Music affects me in a visceral way.
13. I cry easily. It’s my way of releasing emotions, both positive and negative.
14. Wild violets are my favorite flowers. They are pretty and delicate but also extremely hardy and hard to vanquish. Like me.
15. I am the oldest of three girls.
16. When we were kids, I had my sisters almost convinced that I was a Celestial Being, not a human.
17. More recently, I had my nieces almost convinced that I am the real Kim Possible.
18. I always wanted an older brother.
19. I had an uncle with Downs Syndrome.
20. I am very much like my dad’s only sister.
21. I’m not sure I could force myself to bungee jump for a million dollars.
22. I could eat something disgusting, though.
23. I have 4 surgical scars.
24. Words are good. Numbers are evil.
25. As my hair gets more grey, it is becoming wavy. It’s freaking me out.
26. Red is not my natural hair color.
27. My real name is not Violet.
28. My eyes really are blue.
29. I have one tattoo.
30. My laugh is loud and frequent.
31. I am an excellent swimmer.
32. I love shoes.
33. I hate wearing them.
34. I hate it when people scuff their heels as they walk.
35. I detest being cold.
36. But I love being outside when it’s snowing.
37. I am rarely bored.
38. I love to act and perform on stage…but I haven’t been in a show since 1993.
39. I occasionally enjoy erotica and porn.
40. I adore Barbie – especially the really fancy, really expensive ones.
41. To date I have received 2 speeding tickets. The last one was in 1990.
42. My parents have been happily, contentedly married for 47 years.
43. I was not-so-happily, not-so-contentedly married for 11 years.
44. I think of myself as ‘single’ not ‘divorced.’ I don’t define myself by the death of that marriage.
45. All I have ever really wanted, deep down, is to be a wife and mother.
46. At the moment, I am single and childless.
47. I am convinced there is a reason for that strong desire. God just hasn’t showed it to me yet.
48. I know I will marry again. I am as sure of that as I am that the sun rises in the east. And I know it will last.
49. I am planning my last wedding in my head.
50. My sisters would not be surprised to hear that.
51. Lilac is my favorite scent.
52. Lemon is my favorite flavor.
53. I could eat chicken almost every day of the year.
54. Cake is my favorite food.
55. I think my facial features are prettier individually than the whole.
56. I don't wear turtlenecks.
57. I love rings and wish I had a whole wardrobe of them.
58. Summer is my favorite season.
59. I often get hooked on one particular food and choose to eat it over and over again for weeks. And then I’m done.
60. I am a quilter, a cross stitcher, and I make jewelry.
61. I have been working on a quilt for my sister for over 6 years. It was supposed to be a housewarming gift. They moved into the house 5 years ago.
62. I am allergic to cats.
63. I am a born-again Christian but I don’t like that label. Too many connotations go with it that don’t fit me.
64. I have worn glasses and/or contacts since second grade.
65. I am planning to get Lasik surgery in 18 months – as soon as I pay off my car loan.
66. Wool anything is always too scratchy, even with something underneath it.
67. Except my boiled wool slippers. I love, love, love them.
68. I can’t go to sleep without washing my face and brushing my teeth.
69. I procrastinate.
70. I let go of the need to have a perfectly clean home when my mother visits.
71. I read a chapter from the Bible almost every night.
72. I love water. I love to be in it, near it, hearing it, looking at it…even drinking it.
73. I don’t necessarily want to live to be 80 or 90. I believe that our bodies were not designed to last that long.
74. I am unsatisfied with my current life.
75. I love my car – a 2005 ardor blue (aka navy) Hyundai Sonata.
76. I miss having a dog but won’t get another one until I’m married again.
77. If I got rid of all the clothes I never wear, my wardrobe wouldn’t even fill one dresser.
78. I adore the Hamster Dance.
79. I am easily amused. Obviously.
80. The second toe on my right foot is shorter than the others. It’s not freakishly short but people often notice.
81. I always, always wear polish on my toenails.
82. I rarely wear polish on my fingernails.
83. I love the way lipstick looks but can’t stand the way it feels, so I don’t wear it.
84. I only wear silver or white gold jewelry.
85. A woman at a gas station in Kentucky said I had the whitest teeth she had ever seen. I’ve always wondered if she really said “widest” because I don’t think my teeth are all that white.
86. I may be related to Donny & Marie.
87. I want to quit working to go back to college to complete a bachelor’s degree and then work as an event planner for a corporation or association.
88. I love roller coasters.
89. Amethyst is my birthstone.
90. I have never been able to decide if I am a Spring or a Summer.
91. I love to read.
92. My sisters call me the Queen of the Small Fact.
93. I learn a lot of those 'small facts' from the lightweight fiction I read.
94. Pepsi is my very favorite beverage.
95. Whiskey is my preferred liquor.
96. I don’t like beer and I can’t drink wine – I have a sort of allergic reaction to it.
97. I am very curious.
98. I like to be spontaneous.
99. But I also like to know what “the plan” is. This amuses Mary Alice.
100. I whine and complain a lot about the things I don't have but I do realize how fortunate and loved I am. I just need to be reminded now and then.

Lookee what I did!

Last year, I made cake balls and Oreo truffles for the first time. (I've gone over to the dark side - I'm calling them cake balls now even though it still sounds naughty every single time I say it. Every. single. time.) I impressed myself with the way the cake balls turned out but the truffles were just white squares with Oreo crumbs sprinkled on top. Delicious but nothing special to look at.

But this year…

I made cake balls and Oreo truffles again. This year, instead of a boxed chocolate cake mix, I used my double-top-secret recipe for red velvet cake (ok, fine, it’s Paula Deen’s recipe – but use 3 eggs, not 2 - it is A-MAY-ZING) and homemade cream cheese frosting for the cake balls. Soooooo delectable!! So mind-blowingly yummy that it was an major exercise in self-control and selflessness to pack them into tins to give as gifts. I wanted to eat all 91 of them myself. (I only ate 67.)

I decorated them the same way so there’s nothing new to see.

But

this

year…

I decided the Oreo truffles needed a touch of zig, a bit of zag.

I am so pleased with how these turned out I can hardly stand myself.

It took a whole weekend and every implement in my kitchen - not to mention splatter-painting the whole kitchen with almond bark - to achieve this glory…but it was so worth it.

I am ridiculously proud of this small accomplishment.

And I won't make them again for another 11.5 months.

The chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater

One October Saturday when I was 16, Mom and I went shopping. (Ah, those idyllic days when I actually enjoyed shopping! Little did I know that spending my own money would strip the joy right out of it.) During the course of the afternoon, I found a sweater I wanted. It was love at first sight. It was a chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater. (It was 1981, ok?) It was gorgeous, the most beautiful sweater I had ever seen, and made me feel pretty, sophisticated, and sexy. (I didn't tell Mom that last part.)

Somehow, Mom convinced me to wait, to look around some more. I was skeptical, and probably a little petulant, but I reluctantly agreed.

A couple of weeks later, we returned to the same store. I flew across the store to the rounder where that sweater would surely be waiting for me to love it forever.

It
was
gone.

I was heartbroken. And then I was mad at Mom in the way that only a 16-year-old girl can get mad at her mother. I was rude, I was snotty, I was insufferable. I whined and cried and castigated my mother for not letting me get the sweater when I first saw it. I swore that my LIFE was OVER, no one would EVER LOVE me, all the boys would think I was UGLY and I was SURE to get bad grades and NOT get asked to the PROM because I didn't get the chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater and she was the MEANEST, worst mom ever and it was SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!

Mom listened in stoic silence as I fretted and flounced back to the car. She pulled out of the parking lot and headed home, quiet against my dramatic railing. Finally, with the car stopped at a stop light, she turned to look at me. During a pause in my Oscar-worthy monologue, she said:

"The sweater is under my bed. I bought it the day after we were here before. It's a Christmas present for you."

Oh.

Um.

That shut me up. I don't really remember what I mumbled in reply, but I'm sure it included "I'm sorry" and "I didn't know" surrounded by many tears but, really, it didn't matter. She put me in my place but good. I remember feeling embarrassed and sheepish.

Nothing keeps a 16-year-old girl down for long. Soon, possibly even later that day (I had some seriously stupid cojones at 16), I asked if I could have the sweater then, since I knew it was there. My mother said that because of my horrible behavior she wasn't sure she was going to keep the sweater...but if she did, I would not get it until Christmas Day..and I would not know until Christmas Day if she had decided to keep it or not.

I would like to report that I spent the next two months in a constant state of anticipation and mortification but I didn't. I do remember that I was curious about the fate of the sweater - and also that I still wanted it. It was a great sweater.

By Christmas morning, though, I was definitely on pins and needles. As we exchanted gift after gift, I would think "is this the one?" but my hopes faded with each opened box.

Finally, there was only one gift left for me. The box was the right size, the right shape, the right weight to contain a chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater. My breath caught in my throat and my heart stopped beating as I tore through the wrapping. I closed my eyes as I pushed back the tissue paper...

There it was. Chocolate brown. Boucle knit. Cowl neck. Batwing sleeves. The sweater of my dreams and of my humiliation. The sweater that showed that my mother loved me more than she disliked my behavior.

I wore the chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater to Grammie's that day and on many, many occasions after that. I really did love that sweater - to this day I remember the richness of the color, the soft nubbiness of the boucle knit, how deep the cowl and how wide the batwing sleeves...but more importantly, I have never forgotten the shame I felt when Mom turned to me in the car that day and showed me with a few quiet words how petty and self-centered I could be.

The sweater is long gone, of course, but the lesson has stayed with me for almost 30 years.