Violet in the Middle

School Daze

2012-01-14T16:47:00.001-06:00

A little over two years ago, I created a goal:

Graduate from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln with a Bachelor of Science degree in Hospitality, Restaurant and Tourism Management with an emphasis on Event Planning.

Funny thing is I didn’t really identify that statement as my goal until about five minutes ago. On that October Saturday in 2009, I said to myself, “Self, I want to move to Lincoln, NE. I want to be closer to Himself. I want to enroll at UNL in Event Planning.” And I did that.

OK, so maybe those were my short-term goals at the time. But it just hit me that the long-term goal is graduation. I didn’t really think about graduation – about actually earning the degree – until now!

So, good. I need to find something to remind me of that long-term goal as I work through the next series of short-term goals. Because the short-term goals feel very daunting right now:

Complete first Microeconomics assignment without suffering stress-induced aneurism.
Welcome “insect pets” into my home. (You will probably hear more about this in the near future.)
Pass Microeconomics.
Get ‘A’s in all other classes.

I have completed one week of classes. It was exhilarating. It was stimulating. It was scary!

I love being on campus and I love being in class. I am really looking forward to getting into the meat of these classes and interacting with my fellow students and the instructors.

I am not really looking forward to Microeconomics. It is touted as being the 6th hardest course at UNL. Half the time that scares me to death; the other half of the time I take it as a challenge. I am a very smart girl, I can definitely pass the class. But I want to do better than the 2.51 average earned by previous Microecon students. One week and one lecture in, and currently working on a 5-page, single-spaced assignment, I’m in the scared-to-death zone.

Graduation, graduation, graduation…

Yay, me.

2012-01-05T23:39:00.003-06:00

Well, I didn’t really want to come back this way but, as someone dear to me likes to say, it is what it is.

Next Monday is the realization of one dream and the beginning of a long journey. It is the first day of Spring 2012 classes at the University of Nebraska – Lincoln. I am enrolled full-time and I am SO excited to take this next step! I have been working toward this goal for over two years and I am proud of myself for sticking with it and doing what I needed to do to make it happen.

But all I can think right now is that I don’t want to do it alone. I know that my friends and family are proud of me and everyone is encouraging me to succeed but here…now…I am alone.

No one to high-five that I made it. No one to put their arms around me and tell me that they know I can do it when I am afraid that I can’t. No one to take a picture of me on the first day of school. No one waiting at the end of the day to hear how things went. No one who will wash the dishes so I can tackle my Econ homework.

Difficult times are hard to face alone but I think the triumphs are even harder. It’s really hard to celebrate alone.

Something New

2011-05-14T13:28:00.003-05:00

Well, hi. Long time, no see, huh? I don’t really have anything to say but thought I would post something just to remind y’all (and myself) that I’m still here.

I saw this over at Abnormally Normal (in her archives, I think) and since it’s one I haven’t seen before, I gotta do it. I do love a meme.

What accessories do you wear everyday? Amethyst ring, faith/hope/love necklace, silver earrings.

What is your beauty routine?
Morning: wash face with Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Aging Anti-Blemish Cleanser (it’s just not right to fight pimples and wrinkles at the same time!); brush teeth; smooth Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Aging Anti-Blemish Cream on nose and temples; philosophy When Hope Is Not Enough serum all over face; during winter, philosophy Hope in a Bottle on cheeks; philosophy Dark Shadows cream under eyes. (I would not date my skin – it’s so high maintenance!) Eyeliner, shadow, two concealers, blush, and mascara. Redken Anti-Snap leave-in conditioner on bottom half of hair – blow dry and curl or flat iron it even though the wind and humidity will destroy any style the second I walk out the door. Finish up with deodorant and Beautiful perfume. No wonder it takes me over an hour to go from bed to out the door.

Night: wash face with philosophy Purity Made Simple cleanser; brush teeth; Vaseline petroleum jelly on elbows, cuticles, and lips; Curel hand lotion on hands; Fruit of the Earth Vitamin E cream on feet.

What was the last item of clothing you bought? Bad-ass biker chick platform sandals. A male co-worker told me that he really likes them – I figure that is a great endorsement!

Do you use a dresser, closet, or both? Both.

What type of earrings are in your ears right now? Lazy day at home, so none, but you will always see some kind of pretty, silver thing dangling from my ears when I’m out and about.

What type of figure do you have? I believe the technical term for my body type is endomorphic. I call it lush, round, plus-size, or fat depending on my mood.

Do you wear glasses? Yes but I wear contacts most hours of the day.

What type of handbag do you carry? I am on my third Vera Bradley Bowler. It would be the most perfect bag ever if they made it in black or red leather.

What is your ideal style? Classic with a punch of trendiness and a whisper of hoochie.

What jewelry are you wearing right now? None.

Do you wear knee-hi stockings? Hell, no.

Do you have to wear matching lingerie? No. I would LOVE to but bras that contain the architecture required to support my assets generally only come in white, nude, and black.

Do you wear makeup? Yes. I generally don’t leave the house without something on my eyes.

Do you wear nightgowns? Yes. I don’t like wearing pants in bed.

What outerwear do you put on when going out on a typical winter's day? Scarf my BIL brought from Afghanistan; mock-fur-lined, faux-suede black coat; black leather mittens. Yes, leather mittens. They rock.

What is your favorite perfume? Estee Lauder’s Beautiful. I have worn it for 20 years. Estee Lauder started the “Beautiful bride” advertising campaign during the year that I was engaged to be married so I figured I had to try it. I have tried other scents from time to time but I can’t find anything I like nearly as well. Plus, rarely a week goes by without a compliment on how nice I smell.

Is your motto "quality over quantity"? Absolutely. For example, I would much rather spend $100 on one pair of shoes that are comfortable and will last several seasons than on 5 pairs of shoes that make my feet hurt and will fall apart in weeks.

Do you wear rain boots? No, but I am mindful of the shoes I wear when I know it’s supposed to rain.

Do you wear socks or slippers when your feet get cold? First socks, then I add slippers only when my feet won’t stay warm without them.

Do you have a set of travel luggage? A matched set? No. My favorite travel piece is a Vera Bradley Miller bag.

What is your daily uniform? I guess the closest I get to a uniform is that I always wear pants. I love skirts but they don’t love me and I detest pantyhose – and anyone who goes without some sort of leg covering during a Midwestern winter needs to skip the head examination and go straight to the nuthouse. So, pants and a pastel- or jewel-toned top.

If you are married, did you wear a veil with your wedding dress? Well, I *was* married, and yes, I did wear a veil: a big, poufy, totally early-90’s number handmade by an Asian woman in Chicago.

Do you wear a watch? No. My cell phone is always nearby and there are clocks almost everywhere.

Do you prefer zippers or buttons? Wow, I never thought about it. Except for pants, I’d rather have neither.

What item of clothing always makes you feel extremely beautiful? Dunno about a specific item of clothing but I feel beautiful and sexy in tops with wide, cleavage-revealing (but not so low as to be vulgar) necklines and high heels.

So, how 'bout you? How extensive is your beauty routine? What makes you feel pretty?

Dear Daylight Savings Time

2011-03-15T22:43:00.002-05:00

Dear Daylight Savings Time,

You get a bad rap. People hate you. They complain about losing an hour of sleep when you come back to town. They complain about how tired and sluggish they feel for days afterward.

I am not one of those people. I welcome you with wide-open arms. I gladly forfeit one short hour of sleep if it means I get to drive home with the sun on my face, and - more importantly - enjoy hours of daylight after a day of slaving for the man in my sunless cube.

Your arrival means that spring is here and that summer is not far behind. You are the harbinger of blue skies, blooming flowers, warm breezes, hot sunshine, birds singing, waving green grass, sandals, swimsuits, short sleeves, no outerwear. My frostbitten heart sings with joy when I the first whispers of your return.

So welcome back, DST! It’s nice to see you earlier than last year. I encourage you to hurry back sooner each year until you bump into that dastardly Fall-back Saturday and kick his miserable, lazy behind into next week. Or last year. Something like that.

Warmly,
Violet

Since I Been Gone *

2011-03-07T22:46:00.003-06:00

Since the last time I wrote, I

...cried a million tears (Like I predicted, our story is not over. But it is on pause.)

...hosted a Superbowl party (The neighbors complained about the noise. College students. At 8:35 p.m. What is this world coming to?)

...flew to the East Coast and back (Don't get me started on baggage fees.)

...danced more than I have danced in years (I'm considering a new life as "that weird old lady who hangs out at the club and dances all by herself".)

...drank some whisky (My life doesn't have enough whisky in it.)

...spent the night in the Minneapolis airport (Why does the tram announcement voice have a British accent?)

...hosted an Academy Awards party (Girls only. We ate, we gossiped, we critiqued the dresses. It was fantastic.)

...lost four pounds (Funny how that happens when one starts paying attention to what and how much one puts in one's mouth.)

Life is good.

*bastardization of Kelly Clarkson's Since You Been Gone

Self-Mutiliation

2011-01-23T08:56:00.002-06:00

Me and Aron Ralston. Cutting off body parts to save our own lives.

He cut off his arm, I cut out part of my heart. With a dull paring knife. OK, maybe not, but it feels like I did. Well, that’s not accurate, either, because right now the ragged edges of my heart are numb.

Very long story very short, I finally ended my relationship with Himself. I (finally) realized that I will never have the place in his life that I want, or the relationship I want, as long as his life stays the way it is. I believe that he wants to change it but I haven’t seen any effort to actually make changes and I can’t wait anymore. Quite suddenly, I find that I am done. I’m empty.

I am very glad that our last conversation went better than I hoped. I was able to say to him everything I wanted to say and he listened and responded with kindness, understanding, and love. Neither one of us thinks this is the end forever but, for me, it is the end unless/until he makes changes in his life that will allow him to make me a priority.

There is a Himself-shaped hole in my heart and I miss him so much it truly is a physical thing. Even so, I know that if I were to allow myself to get involved with him again before he makes those changes, I would only end up back here again.

I am absolutely certain that I did the right thing. I know this is for the best. I know all that.

I know.

Knowing it doesn’t change how I feel. When the numbness wears off, this is going to hurt.

A lot.

By Request – New Friends

2011-01-03T14:02:00.002-06:00

Make new friends,
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other’s gold.

I don’t make friends easily. Sure, I am friendly with people and comfortable starting conversations with strangers and new acquaintances, but I’m never quite sure how to make the transition from casual work/church/wherever conversations to real friendship, spending time together and building a relationship. Maybe I’m picky, maybe people only like me in small doses, I don’t know. It’s something that I think about sometimes, but in a curious way, it’s not something that bothers me.

When I moved to Nebraska in August, I knew it would take time for me to find friends. It’s hard to make new friends when you are a grown up. It’s especially hard to make new friends when you are a single, childless, petless, female grown up in a new town – where do you find like-minded people when you don’t have an automatic jumping-off point? Since I’m not a guy, I don’t hang out in sports bars, and I can’t afford my hobbies (quilting, needlework, and beading) anymore, so work and church are the only obvious spots.

I started my new job in late October. On my second or third day there, BossMan (hee, that makes him sound like a paunchy, middle-aged, middle manager which he is so not!) sent me to sit with three more experienced coworkers to observe and absorb some of the process of our work. The first two were pleasant, friendly ladies who were very nice but also very business-only. I enjoyed sitting with them but didn’t feel anything more than a collegial, workmate connection.

When I sat down with Sarah, the last of the three, it was one of those moments when my soul said, “Hey, I know you!” Maybe that sounds weird but it happens to me every once in a while – I meet someone and it’s like they’ve always been there but I haven’t seen them for a very, very long time. Sarah was professional and described what she was doing but we also started chatting and I liked her right away. I remember thinking, “Cool – I found my girl!”

Making friends is like dating: “Does she really like me? Does she like me as much as I like her? Should I ask her out for lunch? Am I coming on too strong?” For the next couple of weeks, Sarah and I chatted occasionally but I, with my typical reticence when it comes to new relationships (one of the reasons I call myself an introverted extrovert), played it cool. Then one day I was having a bad day, feeling really lonely, and I mentioned it to Sarah. She immediately invited me to a trick or treat party hosted by some other friends and I accepted. Sarah later told me that she’d been looking for an opening and my admission of loneliness was perfect timing. I guess I’m not the only one who isn’t completely secure in the friendmaking dance!

I went to the party and met Tonya and Gabrielle, and we clicked, too. Since then, the four of us have started meeting once a week for “girls’ night”. I feel so lucky that I found not only one kindred spirit here in my new town but three! They are so much fun, they are loving, compassionate women, and they seem to be ~~tolerating~~ enjoying my ~~neuroses~~ ~~quirks~~ panache. I am enjoying them so much!

2010 in Twelve Words (plus two)

2011-01-01T23:39:00.003-06:00

January - calm
February - goals
March - lists
April - grocery girl
May - planning
June - exhausted
July - boxes
August - Nebraska!
September - unemployed
October - content
November - new friends
December - lovefest

Things I hate

2010-10-07T10:49:00.003-05:00

Dill
Nuts (although pecans and almonds are growing on me)
Cold weather (I'm in trouble, friends. It's coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.)
Celery (raw celery makes my tongue numb)
Socks and shoes
White noise
Prima donnas
Wearing a jacket or coat
Milk (I know, I'm weird.)
Washing the dishes

But more than anything else right now, I hate sitting at a desk with no work to do.

Seriously, I have absolutely nothing to do. I have answered the phone three times this morning and that's about it. Yes, Dad, I hear you whispering that it's easy money and you're right, but sitting here with no work is very stressful for me. Especially when it's a temp job and I've only been here a week - I want to make a good impression (although I guess I am - yesterday I was told that if I need one, they would gladly provide a recommendation for me "and it would be glowing.") and I want to help out. I'm doing everything they want me to do...I guess I just need to accept that this is a very quiet position in a very quiet office.

But I don't have to like it.

Update: That was this morning. I just had an interview for a permanent position, number 6 or 7, I think. I hate interviewing more than I hate having nothing to do. I hate putting myself out there to be judged over and over again. I hate that I know how good I am but apparently I am not conveying that. And I hate feeling so frustrated about the whole thing.

Harumph.

Bits and Bobs

2010-09-28T11:07:00.003-05:00

I don't tweet but I have had lots of thoughts recently that I then thought would make good twitters (tweets? twits? chirps?). These are some of them:

I heard The Young and the Restless theme song (also known as "Nadia's Theme") just now. I cannot stand Y&R plus I am usually at work at this time of day, so it has been years and years since I heard it. I had forgotten what a pretty song it is.

Honeycrisp apples - yum!!

My parents were here this weekend. Good visit but it didn't go completely unmarred. Friday night, my mother said, "I am proud of you for cleaning the kitchen before you go to bed." Yes, she really did. *sigh*

Looks like I will start a temp job very soon. I want to get back to work - I need to make money and I need to fill my days - but part of me is sorry this "empty" time is coming to an end.

I love to read but I also love books themselves.

I found a little article in Midwest Living about cake balls. I am inspired to try new flavor combinations!

What's in your head today?

Meet my bestie

2010-09-23T12:08:00.003-05:00

This is my BFF, the fabulous Mary Alice:

She just started her own blog. She has decided to chronicle her weight loss journey as a way to stay focused and strong.

I'd love it if you would drop by her blog and leave a comment. I know how wonderful your encouraging comments are - and I know she would be tickled by them, too.

If you never hear from me again it's because Mary Alice murdered me for posting this picture. It was worth it - I have no remorse.

Goodbye, old friends

2010-09-16T23:56:00.004-05:00

Today I say a sad, fond goodbye to Carly, Jack, Lisa, Tom, Margo, Lucinda, Lily, Holden, Luke, Noah, Katie, Henry, Nancy, Kim, Bob and so many others.

Today marks the end of As the World Turns, one of the longest-running soap operas in television history.

I am a third generation ATWT fan. My Grammie and my mom watched ATWT from the first episode, when Nancy Hughes said "Good morning, dear" to her beloved husband, Chris. Mom was ironing and watching the show in 1963 when it was interrupted for Walter Cronkite's announcement to the world that President John F. Kennedy had been shot. As the World Turns is part of my memory as far back as I can remember. I remember how exciting it was when ATWT expanded from 30 minutes to an hour. Mom and I used to talk about the show's characters as if they were real friends or family members.

There were so many storylines that captured me: Tom and Margo's battle of the mind against Mr. Big...James Stenbeck's seemingly infinite rebirths (rock solid soap opera rule: if there is no body, there is no death)...Marcy's marriage to a prince...Lily and Holden's roller coaster romance from teenage first love to happily married couple to divorced parents and everything in between...Lisa and Kim's many marriages and their own catfights...Lucinda's boardroom machinations...Craig's repeated choices to do the wrong things for the right reasons...Steve and Betsy's star-crossed romance...John and Bob's heroic efforts to cure any and all ailments that befell a resident of Oakdale, Illinois...Barbara's shift from beleagured victim to vengeful shrew to wise mother.

(Growing up in central Illinois as I did, it always amused me when the show referred to its location. There is a real Oakdale, Illinois - a tiny little town deep in southern Illinois, much closer to St. Louis than Chicago. The fictitious Oakdale is only an hour or so from downtown Chicago, boasts a world-class hospital, an international airport, and a thriving corporate environment.)

My favorite couple has always been Carly and Jack. I don't know why but I identified with Carly from the very beginning, even though she was a bad girl who loved to scheme (so not me). She loved Jack from the moment she saw him and Jack loved her just as deeply. He was her G-Man and her True North even though their natures were often at odds and repeatedly tore them apart. Recently, their story has paralleled my own life in a strange way.

I rarely watched any other soap (I did flirt with General Hospital in 1983 - I had to find out why all the other girls were swooning over Luke and Laura), but I didn't need another one. As the World Turns was over the top and fantastic, sure, but it always seemed to keep one foot on the ground so that everything that happened seemed *almost* possible.

One of my favorite things about ATWT was that the story never ended - there was always more, always something new, always another adventure, romance, intrigue, or disaster around the corner. I never had to close the book or click the remote, sigh, and wish I had more time with the characters I had come to love.

Today, the story ends...and I will sigh, and cry a little, but As the World Turns will never stop turning in my heart.

Bright spots

2010-09-15T23:08:00.002-05:00

1. the view from my balcony at dusk this evening

2.

The temp agency woman who interviewed me today said I have an engaging personality. I am ~~probably~~ inordinately pleased by that. Hey, I'll take what I can get! (Now, put me and my personality to work!)

3.

A BIG storm blew through Monday evening. I was standing on my balcony, watching the clouds roll in. A neighbor - who I had not met or even seen before - parked her car and walked toward the building. She called up to me, "Looks like a wild night." I replied, "Sure does!" She said, "I'm in 113 - come on down if it gets bad and you would feel safer on the first floor." How nice is that?

This day

2010-09-11T08:20:00.003-05:00

New life in suspension

2010-09-09T22:49:00.004-05:00

I moved 35 days ago.
Mary Alice left 31 days ago.
In the time since, with the exception of two lovely visits from Himself (ah, what a complicated situation that is!) I have not seen anyone I know. That’s an odd thing to consider, isn’t it? When was the last time you went for any length of time without setting eyes on someone who cares about you?
For the most part, I have been contentedly alone and not lonely.
I watch too much tv, which is a real feat considering it is summer and the cable listings are a collection of 17,000 channels full of nothing.
I am madly in love with Weeds.
I have applied for at least one job a day.
I have gone on three interviews and turned down one. ($10.50 an hour for a position with supervisory responsibility?? You gotta be kidding me.)
Organization #1 did not select me. Most likely because I am WAY overqualified for the job but it still irks me to see the big “come work for us!” sign on the side of their building.
Organization #2 closed the search “due to unforeseen circumstances.” I tried really hard not to, but I wanted that job. I would have been great at it.
I hope to hear from Organization #3 soon. I just interviewed with them yesterday. It is temp work but that’s cool for now.
My interest in quilting is coming back. It's about time.
I have not had pizza. (Tombstone doesn’t count.) (Tombstone hasn't been the same since Kraft bought the company, but that's a rant for another day.)
I have not had Chinese food. (Frozen P.F. Chang’s doesn’t count. It’s pretty tasty, by the way.)
I just had Mexican yesterday for the first time since the move. (Fish tacos from D’Leon’s, which were yummy.)
I have eaten more eggs in the last month than probably in the last year. I am having a crazy love affair with eggs over-easy.
Good thing my cholesterol is quite low.
I couldn’t have chosen a location farther from everything in Lincoln. Everything I want and/or need is on the other side of town.
A thousand blessings on the person who invented Mapquest.
Good thing I enjoy driving.
I need to work because I am running out of money.
I also need to work because I am (very slowly) running out of contented aloneness.
Neither of those things is causing any real anxiety. I have no idea why.
My apartment faces west and that makes me very happy. I like watching the weather come.
And if someone can make the guy upstairs stop stomping around every. damn. night. between 10 p.m. and midnight, I will make cake balls for you.

Greener

2010-09-02T10:47:00.004-05:00

I think I have mentioned that I LOVE recycling. It makes me feel all virtuous, I know I am doing a little bit for the earth and future generations, and I get a ~~ginormous~~ ~~small thrill~~ kick out of greatly reducing the amount of garbage I send to the landfill.

When I lived in Illinois, recycling was easy. The city gave me a huge (bigger than the allowed garbage can size) bin on wheels. I parked it in the garage just outside the kitchen door, where it was convenient to chuck all my recyclables, unsorted, into it. At the end of the week, I just rolled that behemoth to the end of the driveway. Easy-peasy. Loved it.

Recycling is not so simple here in Lincoln. I live in an apartment complex, so curb-side recycling is out. The complex doesn't pay for recycling pick up, so there are no recycling bins of any kind. The city does have a recycling program and there are many drop-off sites. They don't make it easy even then - everything has to be separated: cardboard from newspaper from "miscellaneous household paper", glass from plastic from aluminum. Perhaps I was spoiled in Illinois but this degree of separation seems likely to discourage people from recycling. "I not only have to cart my recycling away from my house myself, I have to divide it into 17,000 different categories?"

Being inclined to laziness, I initially resigned myself to not recycling. I couldn't imagine lugging those hard, blue containers out to my car each week, not to mention trying to find a place to keep them in the apartment. But the volume of my garbage is so much more than it was when I was recycling - in Illinois, I usually had one bag of garbage each week and often that bag wasn't completely full; here, I have been taking a stuffed-full bag of garbage to the dumpster about twice a week. Not cool. And it causes me severe mental pain each time I put a cereal box or soda bottle in the garbage can.

So. I am going to give remote recycling a go. When I get a job and feel comfortable spending money on things that are not absolutely essential, I am going to buy a set (or two, considering the sorting) of these:Aren't they cute? I think they will be very convenient to lug down the stairs, stow in the trunk, and tip into the bins at the drop-off site (which is, luckily, just a couple of blocks away). In the meantime, I will use my reusable grocery bags. I'm feeling better already. I am doing something small to make the world a better place...and also selfishly satisfying myself.

Green is good.

This

2010-08-27T17:06:00.002-05:00

Since I don't have any original thoughts these days...

This is what I know: When you don't work for a living, every day is Saturday.

This is what I think: I think I am actually looking forward to rejoining the workforce. Then again, lollygagging at the pool whenever I feel like it is pretty nice, too. So is grocery shopping in the middle of a Thursday.

This is what I’m wearing: Fuchsia "sleepshirt" from The Avenue. It's cute and comfy - perfect combo.

This is what could change my life: Nothing, please. I'm full up on change right now, thanks.

This is what I’m eating: I am going to make Rotel cheese dip and eat it with potato chips for dinner. And nobody can stop me.

A new meme

2010-08-16T19:30:00.003-05:00

Oh, memes, how I have missed you!

Hi, my name is: Violet, Auntie Pip, that mean lady upstairs who wouldn’t let us tap into her wireless network.

I've never been to: Barbados. I will get there someday.

I hate it when: people are selfish and self-serving to the degree that it significantly impacts other peoples’ lives.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my mother. ‘Nuff said, n'est-ce pas?

When I'm nervous: I sigh and take lots of deep breaths in an attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach. If I’m really nervous, my mouth goes dry and I get shaky all over.

The last song I listened to was: hmmm, I don’t know. I had the radio on in the car yesterday but I don’t remember what was playing. I can tell you that it was a station that plays the hits of the 80s, 90s, and today.

If I were to get married today my maid of honor/best man would: Mary Alice. Again.

My hair is: surprisingly pleasing to me. Except it won’t stay red.

When I was 5: my mom made a Stop Sucking Your Thumb Before Kindergarten calendar on a piece of poster board for me. It worked.

Last Christmas: I stayed with my sister and her family for 10 days. It was wonderful.

When I look down: I see cleavage.

The happiest recent event was: being invited to interview for a job the day after I submitted my application.

My current annoyance is: the elephant/monkey living upstairs. No sound for hours, then a thunder of scampering that is so heavy-footed that it rattles the glass in my balcony door.

I have a hard time understanding: manipulation, calculated behavior, and taking advantage of others.

There's this girl that I know: who is more happy than unhappy with her life right now.

The thing I want to buy is: a laptop with a docking station set up. And a flatscreen TV.

If you visited the place I'm from: you WILL become a Huskers fan. It’s inevitable. It may even be required by law.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: I bought some new clothes a few days ago, including a nightgown made of cotton and modal that is so soft and comfy I wish I could live in it.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was: Mary Alice bought me styrofoam as a housewarming gift. Isn't that sweet?

My middle name is: Ann. I have always wished it had an E.

Last night I was: Cleaning and cooking between Weeds episodes.

If I was an animal I'd be: A dog. They love and are loved – is there anything better?

Tomorrow I am: going to apply for more jobs.

Tonight I am: going to watch more episodes of Weeds. I just discovered it when I got cable here in my new home and I have watched 4-and-a-half seasons since then. Season 7 starts tonight so I need to get caught up!

Hello from Nebraska!

2010-08-11T14:48:00.004-05:00

Hi, it's me! I have finally dug myself out from under the mountain of boxes that have been my only focus for the last 2 weeks. All but three of them are empty and my new apartment is starting to look like my home. Doesn't smell like my home yet, though.

Here are a few observations on moving:

Moving sucks.
I might actually have been better off renting a ~~god-forsaken, don't make me tell that story again UHaul~~ rental truck and doing this move myself. It would have cost about the same and I have no doubt that I would have ended up with less damage to my belongings.
I have a lot of stuff.
And yet, I don't have a lot of stuff.
I DO. NOT. LIKE. misplacing things. It's inevitable in a move but I almost started crying this morning when I couldn't find the capris I wanted to wear.
The capris were in the dryer. Shuddup.
Nebraska is HOT. Yes, yes, I realize that in January I will be saying Nebraska is COLD...but today it's 97 degrees PLUS the head index. Dude, that's HOT!
I knew I would, but I really, really, really love having full access to a pool. Even a pool that isn't even remotely cool right now.
Filling out job applications online is annoying. How the hell am I supposed to remember what my salary was 5 years ago?
I adapt to the not working thing way too easily.
Mary Alice flew home on Monday. I miss her.
I am happy.

Certifiable?

2010-07-31T17:32:00.003-05:00

1989 - Mahomet, IL, to Champaign, IL
1992 - Champaign, IL, to Urbana, IL
1994 - Urbana, IL, to Urbana, IL (yep, you read it correctly)
1994 - Urbana, IL, to De Soto, IL
1997 - De Soto, IL, to Streator, IL
1998 - Streator, IL, to Urbana, IL
2000 - Urbana, IL, to Bloomington, IL
2003 - Bloomington, IL, to Tolono, IL
2008 - Tolono, IL, to Urbana, IL
2010 - Urbana, IL, to Lincoln, NE

10 moves in 20 years.

*cough*

Do we need any more proof that I am nuttier than a Baby Ruth bar?

Nope, didn't think so.

Grace in Small Things #22

2010-07-28T21:12:00.003-05:00

! Selling the lawn mower via Craigslist today.

! Buying new pots and pans...with the BBB gift card I received last week. So it's like they were free.

! The company of good friends while packing.

! Musical soundtracks

! Ice-cold diet Pepsi

! Central air-conditioning

The countdown has officially begun - one week from tonight, I will sleep in my new hometown!!

Mary Alice, Rock of Gibraltar

2010-07-21T12:07:00.003-05:00

This Friday is my last day of employment. There was a small pizza party for me last week but I am told that I will be feted again with bagels on Friday morning. Because nothing says "party" like bagels and cream cheese. Oh, and I'm told there will be a gift.

For some reason, Jean Jean the Office Queen felt compelled to tell me that the donations for my gift have been generous. Surprisingly so in two cases, she said. So of course I tried to guess who. I did guess one of the people...which the Office Queen revealed to me by the flash of panic/surprise/recognition in her eyes. I told her she probably shouldn't take up poker.

Last night, Mary Alice was driving us to the Salvation Army Thrift Store for cheap blankets ($15 for 4 blankets - I figure I only need 12 more to have enough for the move *sigh*) and I was telling her about my conversation with the Office Queen. Chattering away, I turned to glance at her and gasped. Because

SHE KNEW SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From the cat-who-ate-the-canary look on her face, I knew instantly that Mary Alice was in on it.

Which meant that the Office Queen had been in contact with her.

Without my knowledge.

Unbeknownst to me. (Unbeknownst...a word that just doesn't get used enough.)

Behind my back.

Now, Mary Alice and the Office Queen have met a number of times but they are really just acquaintances. The realization that they were communicating without going through me blew my mind.

Once that information had settled enough that I could breathe again, I pushed. I probed. I interrogated. I weaseled. I wangled. I charmed. I pumped Mary Alice for information with everything I had.

Mary Alice was a rock. She admitted only that there has been communication with the OQ but wouldn't give anything more. Nothing. Not even a crumb.

Because she knows I love surprises. I have been twisting this around in my head all morning. What could it be? WHAT could it BE?? I will enjoy thinking about this until the moment the gift is put into my hands. And Mary Alice knows that makes it all the sweeter for me.

I love that girl.

Quote of the day...week...month...year...ok, my life

2010-07-18T14:15:00.002-05:00

"Life has to be a little nuts sometimes.
Otherwise it's just a bunch of Thursdays strung together."

-- Rumor Has It

Grace in Small Things #21

2010-07-12T08:40:00.002-05:00

It's another one of those days when I have to fight to remember that my glass is more than half full. So, digging deep to find 5 things that bring me happiness:

a good hair day

a beautiful, hot, sunny summer day

P!nk

my sister's dog, Mocha, who LOVES me - is there a sweeter balm for the soul than a dog's silent adoration?

my newest nickname, Auntie Pip, coined by my favorite (ok, only) nephew

So, ok...

2010-07-11T19:39:00.003-05:00

deep breath

I have been putting off writing about the latest development with Himself because I am still trying to come to terms with it.

In fact, I still can't bring myself to tell you exactly what happened. All I will say is that Himself made some choices that now make it impossible for us to be anything more than friends. He didn't do anything illegal or abusive but his actions have permanently changed our relationship.

It’s three weeks before my move to Lincoln and instead of just obsessing about how much packing I have to do and whether all the pieces of the moving puzzle will fall right into place when they are supposed to be there, and instead of happy dancing around in anticipation and excitement…I am either walking around in an emotionless fog or spontaneously breaking into tears at the drop of, well, nothing.

I am still moving to Lincoln. I have said all along that I had no idea if/how things would work out with Himself. I want to go to UNL and get my degree in event planning. Now I know that the other half of my dream is dead – I know how things (didn’t) work out with Himself. Now I will turn my focus completely to my education and professional goals.

Himself doesn't think anything needs to change between us, but I have set up clear boundaries with him: We can only be friends. Himself said he will respect my boundaries and I know he will. In the moments when I am completely honest with myself, I know that I can’t maintain a “just friends” relationship with him. I love him too much for that. I think I am waiting until I have the chance to say goodbye in person. I want that. I deserve that.

But I will say goodbye. When I am ready. And that will be MY time, not yours, not my sisters’, not Himself’s. MY time. And anybody who doesn’t agree with my timeline can piss off.

So, there it is. I believe Himself has always been honest with me and that he has made some seriously stupid choices…but maybe I am a naïve fool. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. The situation is what it is and I am reacting to it in a way that is true to myself.

Dear Coworkers

2010-07-01T11:32:00.005-05:00

Dear Coworkers:

I like parts of all of you. But as a whole, singly and collectively, you irritate ~~the living shit out of~~ me to no end. Here are a few reasons why:

I do not care about the goings-on in your bowels/intestines. All I need to know is that you are not feeling well. Frankly, I don't even care about that unless you are not going to show up for work.

70 degrees is not an acceptable ambient temperature for office workers. It's July 1st - I should not have to wear a sweater to keep from shivering. I do not like being reduced to stealthy hops to the thermostat while you are in the ladies' room ~~but that won't stop me from doing it~~.

I am weary of the New Age-y piano Musak you evidently need to make it through the day. It is like Chinese water torture to me - plink...plink...plink... Our office should be a democracy, not a dictatorship.

Yes, esteemed upper-middle-aged and senior citizen male professors, there are women who work here. Women whose positions are seen by many as subordinate to your own (even though the people who really get it know that secretaries rule the world). These women, however, are not your wives or mothers. They were not hired to make your coffee or to wash out your cups after you have consumed said coffee. Wash your own damn cup! (And I will refrain from outing you, Dr. R, the one who wipes his powdered-sugar covered fingers on the couch each Wednesday during Donut Hour. Apparently your actual mother never taught you that the world is not one big napkin.)

You may have noticed that we are in an economic slump. The current and looming effects of the slump are often manifested as a look of panic in the eyes of our erstwhile fearless leaders. We have all been asked to do whatever we can to reduce costs. So I ask you, why do you feel the need to turn on EVERY SINGLE LIGHT in the building? The conference room has not been used since last week but you diligently turn on all of the lights each morning. I am curious - is your own home visible from outer space?

It's true, I will be resigning my position in a few weeks. This grumpy missive notwithstanding, I have not yet succumbed to the dreaded short-timer's disease. I ask that you cease and desist attributing my ~~don't give a shit~~ professional demeanor to a sudden lack of concern for my job or the work we do here. My attitude is not any different today than it was 4 years ago. I ~~didn't give a shit then, either~~ have always comported myself professionally and will continue to do so until the last ~~minute~~ ~~hour~~ ~~day~~ ~~week~~ ~~pay period~~ minute I work here.

Ever so sincerely,

Violet

Play Ball!

2010-06-20T21:34:00.005-05:00

This weekend marks the opening of the 2010 College World Series. I am not a baseball fan but Himself loves the CWS and I've gotten sucked in. At first, I thought I would just pay enough attention to know what he was talking about but, two years ago when we were getting to know each other, I found myself actually watching the games and picking favorites. Same thing last year and again this year. There's something about college sports that is so much more interesting to me than professional - college sports have heart and pageantry and a desire to win for winning's sake. When I visited Omaha in April, I made sure that Himself drove me to Rosenblatt Stadium so I could see it for myself.

This is the last year the CWS will be held at Rosenblatt. Omaha is building a fabulous new stadium and I plan to attend CWS games as a Nebraskan in years to come, but I am sad that I missed the chance to take in a game at Rosenblatt.

Coincidentally, life threw me another curve ball last week. It has to do with Himself and it has changed the landscape of our relationship forever. It's so big that I haven't wrapped my head around it and I can't bring myself to tell you about it yet.

I am still moving to Lincoln and I am still talking to Himself but a dream has been destroyed and things will never be the same.

In other news:

I gave my notice at the grocery store. My last day will be next Friday. I have to work at my full-time job on Saturday, so let this be notice to the world that on Sunday, June 28, I plan to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If I hadn't stayed home sick ** on Tuesday and Wednesday, I would have worked 34 days in a row at one or both jobs, including the 90-hour week in Chicago. Oy. It's official - I am not a workaholic.

On Friday, my boss practically begged me to stay. He offered several things but no guarantee of money ("we'll try..."). It was great to hear the complimentary things he said about me and my work but it really only reaffirmed my conviction to move to Lincoln. Even the new state of affairs with Himself has not lessened Nebraska's pull.

** I called in "sick" on Tuesday, planning to take an unscheduled mental health day. By the end of the day, my throat was scratchy and I felt lousy. I called in on Wednesday, feeling genuinely puny. When Himself called that afternoon, he teased that that's what I get for playing hooky. I guess that'll teach me! (Or not...)

Walking on Air, Sorta

2010-06-15T22:12:00.004-05:00

Hi, honey, I'm home!

I managed a week-long event in Chicago last week. The participants were 20 college junior and senior young women. I can now add "cowboy" to my resume because last week I learned to herd.

While in Chicago, we visited the ~~Sears~~ Willis Tower Skydeck. I stepped out onto The Ledge, which was SO COOL!

That's the side of ~~Sears~~ Willis Tower under my left foot, Wacker Drive under my right foot, and the Chicago River to the right of that.

After working about 140 hours in the last two weeks, I took a mental health day today. I'm telling you, it really is good for the soul to check out every now and then. But, um, I'm not so sure one day was enough!

I've been up to 1,353 feet - what have you been up to?

Lemme see you just bounce it with me

2010-05-31T14:05:00.003-05:00

Because I channel-surfed onto Men in Black while folding towels and it made me smile...

One of those days

2010-05-29T11:58:00.002-05:00

Things here are fine.
Things are good.
There is nothing wrong today.

And yet, it's one of those days when I am blue. I am chalking it up to the confluence of two situations:

1 - I am tired and overwhelmed. Working 60-70 hours a week between the two jobs these days, waiting to hear if my apartment rental application has been approved, preparing for the biggest event of my work year, worrying about money for and after the big move, starting to think about packing, considering a garage sale (yuck), and wondering how I will get everything done in the next 4 days that needs to be done before I can leave town for 9 days to manage the big event.

2 - This weekend marks the second anniversary of my first face-to-face meeting with Himself. I know life never turns out quite the way we want or expect, and I accept where we are now. Even more importantly, I have let go of any expectations for our future - I put on my water wings and now I am simply floating and waiting to see where the tide takes us. But still, I can't help but think about where we were two years ago and how I felt. That weekend was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I am trying to shake off the blues, to see the silver lining. Two years ago I hoped that I would be moving to Nebraska to pursue a relationship with Himself. Well, I am - it's just happening a year later than I hoped. Our relationship isn't as committed as I hoped it would be but I think it's unrealistic to think it could be anything more than it is after two years of being so far apart. I am optimistically curious to see how it changes when we are much closer geographically.

Sure, the work hours are exhausting and the second job takes a huge bite out of my free time, but there are a lot of people who don't even have one job...and I wouldn't be able to make the move to Lincoln without both jobs.

Why can't I just be happy with today? It's a gorgeous, warm/hot, sunny day - my favorite kind...but all I want to do is curl up in a dark spot and cry.

Friday Fill-in #178

2010-05-28T12:40:00.002-05:00

1. Potato chip chicken -- the best food to take on a picnic.
2. Summer ROCKS!!!
3. My toes are too delicate to wear flip flops.
4. To love someone is the best thing ever.
5. I would love to get to the point where I am fit enough to enjoy a long hike.
6. When I crave food, it's usually high calorie and high carb.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to buying a new pair of shoes - whee!, tomorrow my plans include cleaning and working - not so much whee, and Sunday, I want to nap between church and my shift at the grocery store.

Grace in Small Things #20 - The Food Photo Edition

2010-05-22T12:58:00.018-05:00

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6. (hold the strawberries, thankyouverymuch)

Friday Fill-In #176

2010-05-14T10:33:00.002-05:00

1. I just had a dream that I was kissing Mozart.

2. God is.

3. The third sentence on the 7th page of the book I'm reading: "There is not a foot of space between the chairs of the guests, and Tamoszius is so short that he pokes them with his bow whenever he reaches over for the low notes; but still he presses in, and insists relentlessly that his companions must follow." (The Jungle by Upton Sinclair - I would have hated this book 20 years ago but I am completely enthralled now.)

4. As the World Turns tickles my fancy.

5. I was walking 30 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week...until I started the part-time job that leaves me with no time or energy for exercise.

6. Eddie Izzard makes me laugh!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working at the grocery store (although 'looking forward to' doesn't really describe my feelings), tomorrow my plans include coloring my hair (a new color - pray for me!) and working at the store, and Sunday, I want to skip church and sleep in because I am scheduled to work 7 hours ~~in hell~~ at the grocery store!

Deep sigh

2010-05-12T21:04:00.002-05:00

So I was chatting on the phone with my parents. I was telling them that Himself passed the final licensing exam in his profession. (YAY!!) Unfortunately, he procrastinated this exam to the point that now he is anxiously waiting to see if the paperwork gets processed with the proper entities by June 30. If it is not processed by then, he will have to reapply for approval to serve the bulk of his current clientele. It's not a huge deal but would be a hassle for him.

I told my parents that Himself acknowledges that if he loses approval, he only has himself to blame. My mother said,

Well, you can certainly appreciate that. Who knows how many degrees you would have by now ~~if you hadn't screwed up when you were 18 and going to college on our dime~~?

Did I mention this phone call was on Mother's Day?

Letting the cat out of the bag

2010-05-08T01:09:00.002-05:00

“Leap and the net will appear.” Zen saying

It’s time. Time to tell everyone what I have been whispering and dreaming and praying about for the last six months. It’s time to move from thinking to doing. It’s time to tuck all of my preparations, calculations, and careful assessments safely into my pocket and take the leap.

The leap will take me to Lincoln, Nebraska. I am planning to move to Lincoln in August to pursue two dreams: 1, a real, in-person relationship with Himself; and 2, to enroll in college full-time to complete a bachelor’s degree in event planning. These two goals are pretty much equal in my mind. I want the education just as much as I want the relationship. Both will take time, energy, care, and patience. Both are well worth whatever I put into them.

1.
Himself lives in Omaha and after two years of loving each other but struggling against the enormous obstacle of the physical distance between us, we want to see what happens when we are close enough to be an immediate part of each other’s lives. Over the last few months, we have talked a lot about our expectations, hopes, and fears about this change. I have no idea how this will play out. I know that from here – 500 miles away – I love him more than I thought I could love. Time and proximity will tell if that love can endure. I hope that our relationship will progress and deepen and grow into a devoted, loving, lifelong marriage but I have gained the patience to wait and see how it all unfolds.

2.
After 27 years and 3 failed attempts, I am finally ready for college. I am eager to join the undergrads lugging backpacks across campus. I plan to work for a year to establish residency then enroll at the University of Nebraska as a Hospitality, Restaurant and Tourism Management major with a concentration in event management. My plan relies on getting accepted to UNL and that is a complete unknown at this point. But that’s ok – I have complete faith that the net will appear when I need it. I just have to be brave enough to leap.

I took a small leap with last week’s trip to Omaha. I met with people at UNL. I looked at apartments. I spent time with Himself on his turf. (Which was so great, by the way. It’s just so easy to be with him, sweet and fun no matter what we are doing. Oh, how I miss him!)

I took a little larger leap this morning when I told my boss about my plans. He wasn’t surprised. And I wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t surprised. Three months may seem like a lot of notice but he is working on the budget scenario for the next fiscal year and my departure could have fairly significant ramifications on the operations of my department. Given the current economic climate here in Illinois, and specifically at the University of Illinois, it is entirely possible that they may not be allowed to replace me. I wanted to let him know as early as possible so he will have time to consider how best to move forward.

I just have to take a moment here. When I was talking with my boss this morning, he said that I will be sorely missed and my work is exemplary. Exemplary. Wow, just writing it gets me all verklempt. I try to do good work, to produce the best possible product – whether that product is a letter, a publication, or an event – but ‘exemplary’ is a word used for people who excel, who go above and beyond, who exceed expectations. I just do my job. I am flattered and humbled that he thinks so highly of me. (And yet obviously full enough of myself that I wanted to share it here.)

Since I started taking action to make my dreams reality, the pieces have started to easily fall into place. I got the part-time job at the grocery store in order to save money for this move. I identified a relatively easy source of money to keep me afloat until I find a decent job after I move. Things with Himself are great. My family and friends all support my decision. I found an apartment that is a great space and the right price. The feedback I got at UNL last week was encouraging. Most importantly, I feel contentment and peace about this decision. There is a bit of nervousness but no anxiety. My gut is telling me this is the right thing. My gut is never wrong.

This is a leap into the unknown. This is an opportunity to trust myself and God. This is a chance to reach for my own constellation of happiness, satisfaction, and accomplishment.

I am so excited and so ready to take this leap!

Stay tuned

2010-04-21T23:02:00.003-05:00

Oh, hi!

Thought I'd take a moment to make an appearance on my own blog. I have been slogging through a two-week workfest and haven't had the mental capacity to string enough sentences together to post anything. I can't decide if I am a trooper for working 60+ hours a week or a weenie for thinking that is a big deal. I know there are a lot of people who work a lot harder than I do. At any rate, I am not used to working this many hours or this hard and I am exhausted. It's almost over - I can see the light but the end of the tunnel is still a few days off.

Then I will be going on vacation.

To Omaha.

This trip is likely to change the course of my life.

And that's all I am going to say for now.

I'm such a tease.

Sometimes threats do work

2010-04-10T12:27:00.004-05:00

I have worked at one or both of my jobs every day for the last two weeks. Today is my first free day and I decided that there was only one productive thing I wanted to accomplish today: mow the lawn.

Hard to believe that the grass is tall enough to mow already, but it is. I didn't want to cut down the violets (because, y'know...violets) and it probably could have waited another week or so but come Tuesday I will start another two week stretch of work and I know I won't feel like mowing in those few moments I have to myself.

The thing is, I am a ~~lazy, careless~~ devil-may-care lawnmower owner. I never do the recommended winterizing of draining the gas, changing the oil and the spark plug, etc. I throw caution to the wind and know that starting the mower will probably be a ~~major pain in the ass~~ frustrating thing when spring rolls around.

And so it was. Much like last year, I pulled and tugged and adjusted and huffed and puffed but the mower wouldn't start. I googled "lawn mower maintenance" to see what I should have done and how to fix it now. That was depressing, let me tell you. All of the sites I checked told me that I ~~was screwed~~ needed to repair the damage I did by letting the mower sit all winter - that my gas was bad, that I needed a new spark plug and air filter, and that the carburetor was full of junk.

Well, I am a capable girl. I am mechanically-inclined but not ~~stupid~~ brave enough to dive into small engine repair with no experience. If I can't do it myself, that means I would have to pay someone else to do it and I do NOT want to spend money on something like that right now. I have goals, people, goals that cost money and that do not include mowing the lawn.

Something told me to check the spark plug. I took it out and it was wet so I dried it off with a paper towel and put it back in. More pulls on the starter cord thingy (yes, it's a technical term) but no action. So I took the spark plug out, wiped it off really well, wiped out the hole it screws into, and let the spark plug sit to dry for 15 minutes or so.

I have to admit that during this 15 minute break, I cried. Sat down on my sunny, warm patio and indulged in a soul-cleansing weep. I really try to make the best of my life but I am tired of being the only one responsible for everything. I want a partner, a husband, someone who loves me who will share the burden with me. It's funny, it's something fairly small like starting the lawn mower that always brings this out in me. I am perfectly able to take care of myself...but I want someone who wants to take care of me. But I digress...

I stood up, wiped my face, and walked to the mower. I screwed the spark plug back in place and popped the spark plug connector thingy (another technical term) on top. "This is it," I declared to the mower, God, and myself. "If this doesn't work, I quit!"

Pulled back the safety handle, grabbed the pull cord, and yanked. Hard. And the mower growled into life.

I laughed, shook my head and started to mow the yard, congratulating myself for thinking to dry off the spark plug. But I refuse to believe that's what did the trick.

Yep, sometimes threats do work.

Big smooches to those of you who told me how to do strikethroughs. I ~~promise~~ ~~will try~~ can't guarantee that I will not litter my posts with them from now on.

Stuff

2010-03-25T10:29:00.003-05:00

Stuff 1: I was reprimanded at the grocery store last night. Apparently I was two minutes late in returning from a break last Saturday. Two minutes. *blink*

Stuff 2: Some college football coach (I think) has switched teams and signed a 10-year contract that starts at $450,000 and increases by $25,000 each year. Does anyone anywhere really need that much money? What do you do with that much money?

Stuff 3: I suspect that McDonald's adds something sinister and addictive to their sweet tea. I can't quit it.

Stuff 4: There are plans afoot that involve the Change My Life plan and Himself. I will report more in May.

Stuff 5: Today I miss my sisters. I wish we were sitting together on a hot summer evening, laughing, drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and just enjoying each other's presence.

Stuff 6: I am taking tomorrow afternoon off from my real job and don't have to work at the grocery store all weekend. Except for some phone calls I need to make, I don't have any plans from noon tomorrow through Monday morning - what will I do with all that time? Maybe I'll clean. Stop laughing - it could happen!

Stuff 7: As much as I love sun and heat, today's gloomy, rainy, chilly weather is nice, too.

Stuff 8: I have been blogging for almost 18 months and I still don't know how to do a strikethrough or how to format bullets correctly. The bulletlessness I can live with but the strikethroughs tease me from other blogs.

Stuff 9: I love you people!

Grace in Small Things #19

2010-03-24T11:01:00.003-05:00

1. Sunshine!

2. The preschool-age little girl who gave me one penny to pay for her mom's groceries.

3. The boss is gone, the second boss is gone, one officemate is gone. Quiet.

4. Homemade coffeecake with a great, crunchy cinnamon-sugar topping.

5. Mary Alice is back from vacation!

6. Open, honest, respectful, loving conversation.

It's proud I am

2010-03-17T21:54:00.006-05:00

What Shall I Say about the Irish?

The utterly impractical, never predictable,
Sometimes irascible, quite inexplicable
Irish.
Strange blend of shyness, pride and conceit,
And stubborn refusal to bow in defeat.
He's spoiling and ready to argue and fight,
Yet the smile of a child fills his soul with delight.
His eyes are the quickest to well up with tears,
Yet his strength is the strongest to banish your fears.
His hate is as fierce as his devotion is grand,
And there is no middle ground on which he will stand.
He's wild and he's gentle, he's good and he's bad.
He's proud and he's humble, he's happy and sad.
He's in love with the ocean, the earth and the skies,
He's enamoured with beauty wherever it lies.
He's victor and victim, a star and a clod,
But mostly he's Irish—
in love with his God.

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn't turn their hearts
May He turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping.

Clean up on Aisle 7!

2010-03-13T11:27:00.004-06:00

So I started my new, part-time second job this week. The amount of training required (by them) to prepare me to scan cans of soup, weigh bunches of bananas, and bag all those groceries is astounding. Mind-boggling.

Quite frankly, it's stupid.

Yes, I need to know the laws about selling alcohol...but do I really need to understand - as a cashier - how alcohol processes through the body? Really?? Of course I need to understand the dangers of hazardous materials and how to use them properly on the job...but do I seriously need to know the nine sections on an MSDS (that's a Material Safety Data Sheet, dontcha know), what is included in each section, and how all manufacturers must provide all of the information but there is no standardized form? (Can you tell that last part bothers the organized part of my brain?) Come on, seriously? Only half of the time I worked this week was spent actually serving customers. I'm all for informed employees but this seems a bit excessive to me.

I have been pleasantly surprised by the friendliness of my new coworkers. Almost all women (never thought about it, before - how often do you see a man working as a cashier or in any visible job at a store?), they have all been welcoming and fun, supportive and helpful.

I have been unpleasantly, not-really-surprised by how uncomfortable it is to stand for 5 hours with only one 15 minute break. It's the standing-in-one-place thing that is the killer - I worked in the self-check area last night and I found myself carrying the hand baskets over to the stack by the front door just so I could walk a little. I am here to tell you that when you see a store clerk leaning on their counter/lane/register, they are not being lazy - they are in pain! I would not have been able to do this job before my knee surgeries. Wow, was I stiff by the time I left last night!

I haven't encountered any rude or unpleasant customers yet. I know it's just a matter of time. But I have mad charm skillz, so bring it on, crazy people!

I forgot to remove the security cap from a bottle of booze last night - I wonder what that guy did when he got home and couldn't imbibe?

The interactions with customers are fun. When I got home last night, I thought I didn't like being the self-check cashier but the more I think about it, the more I realize I really enjoyed myself last night. Instead of the (partially self-induced) stress of hurrying to scan and bag each order and complete each transaction, I was able to let the customers do that at their own pace and simply solve problems when they popped up. My favorite was when I blew into the coupon slot to push the coupon through the sensor. The preschooler in the cart looked at me with huge eyes and the parents/customers laughed when that fixed everything...magic! Now, if I can convince the management to give me a stool to sit on, things will be hunky dory...

I'm working 4 to 10 this evening. Should be interesting!

Grace in Small Things #18

2010-03-05T17:11:00.003-06:00

1. The SUN has been SHINING all day!!!

2. Blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries with a sprinkling of sugar.

3. An unscheduled weekend ahead. Could be the last one for a while (foreshadowing of #5).

4. A final, necessary conversation with The Tall One that went exactly as I hoped it would. He had been texting or calling me about once a month since our last interaction last fall. Normally he just texted something like "I wish we could talk" or didn't leave a message if he called and I ignored all of his attempts at contact, hoping he would eventually give up. Last month, he left a voicemail saying he wanted to make amends. So I decided to call him last week. I am glad to report that he has been clean for six months. He was hopeful that my call meant I wanted to be friends again. I made it clear that I was only calling to give him the opportunity to say what he wanted to say. He was very disappointed but he apologized for his behavior, I accepted his apology, and we said goodbye. Himself isn't so sure that I have heard the last of The Tall One but I think I have.

5. A part-time second job! I just got the call that I'm hired as a cashier at a local grocery store! Step one of the Change My Life plan is underway!

Uncle Bob - Spread the Word

2010-03-02T23:06:00.006-06:00

March 3 is End the R-Word Day.

My Uncle Bob was born with Down's Syndrome. He was the youngest of 6 kids. He thought my dad was the most wonderful man in the world. He was the one person who was ALWAYS happy to see me. He loved music and would listen to country music on his transistor radio for hours, beating time with a Tinker Toy stick on the bottom of an old tennis shoe. Uncle Bob called my middle sister "Queenie". No one knows why. His favorite song was "Happy Birthday" - he loved birthdays, whether they were his own or someone else's. He liked everyone he ever met; he never knew a stranger. People always liked him right back even though he was "weird". He loved professional wrestling and talked about those guys as if he knew them. He loved to sing and dance, and did both badly and with abandon. When he was older, he got a job stuffing frozen entrees into cardboard boxes. He loved it and was so proud to be making his own money.

Uncle Bob lived well into his 50s. When he was born, doctors told my grandparents that he wouldn't see 30. They also said that my grandparents should put him in an institution and forget about him. My grandparents refused - and improved the lives of at least their five other children, 18 grandchildren, and themselves. But I know it didn't end with us.

Uncle Bob had a profound influence on who I am. I am sure that I have no idea of the myriad ways that having him in my world - and being a beloved part of his - affects me to this day. I see him in the face of every disabled person I meet, no matter what their disability or their attitude. I know I have more compassion and understanding than I would have without Uncle Bob.

Thank you for being you, Uncle Bob. I love you.

Manic Monday #200

2010-02-16T23:30:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know it's Tuesday...well, almost Wednesday, truth be told. So sue me.

What's your least favorite word? These days, it's 'economy'.

Where do you go when you need really good advice? Mary Alice, the West Coast Angel, Himself, my sisters, and/or Jean Jean the Office Queen. Each has a unique perspective and each is invaluable to me. I love you, man!

If you could participate in any winter Olympic sport, what would it be? I was going to say women's singles figure skating but I think pairs would be more fun. Pretty, sparkly costumes, a trim, strong body, and getting spun into the air by a handsome, strong young man - sounds like a 10 to me! (Or an 86.09...I do not understand the current scoring system.) I also think any of the skiing events - with the huge exception of moguls - would be thrilling. I love to watch short track speed skating but it would be scary...and my thighs are already big enough, thankyouverymuch.

Ah, love

2010-02-14T20:06:00.004-06:00

In honor of Valentine’s Day, here are some of my favorite romantic movie lines. Share one with someone you love.

Thornton: Well, some things a man doesn't get over so easy.
Mary Kate Danaher: Like what, supposin'?
Thornton: Like the sight of a girl coming through the fields with the sun on her hair... kneeling in church with a face like a saint...
- The Quiet Man

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
- Dirty Dancing

I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.
- Bridget Jones’s Diary

Oh, it's nobody's fault but my own! I was looking up... it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there...
- An Affair to Remember

I love that you get cold when it's seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
- When Harry Met Sally

I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else.
- The Wedding Date

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does any one life mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.’
- Shall We Dance?

I love him and I don’t care what you think. I love him for the man he wants to be and I love him for the man he almost is.
- Jerry McGuire

Anna Scott: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.
- Notting Hill

On the other hand...

2010-02-12T08:44:00.003-06:00

I didn't sleep well and woke up with a headache that decided to stick around. On the other hand, one boss is sick today, the other one is taking a furlough day, so the office will be quiet.

Coworker #1 has already turned on her beloved new age piano "music" which is like Chinese water torture to me. On the other hand, I'd rather listen to the new age crap than Coworker #2's choice of "jazz lite."

It's overcast again, dreary and depressing. On the other hand, it's not icy or snowing.

I'm tired and grumpy and not at all motivated to work today. On the other hand, I have a job, it's Friday, and I have some fun plans this weekend.

What's on your other hand?

Tuesday's Child Is Full of Grace

2010-02-09T08:44:00.002-06:00

45.

Forty. Five.

Me.

Today.

It’s is my birthday. I was born at 5:15 p.m. on Tuesday, February 9, 1965, in Abilene, Texas, the first child of an Air Force captain anesthetist and his homemaker wife.

How is it possible that I am 45? I don’t feel 45. I still feel 17 – hopeful, confused, simultaneously proud and embarrassed of myself, awkward and graceful by turns, and still trying to figure out what/who I want to be when I grow up.

I am, however, much wiser than that 17-year-old girl was. I have learned to trust the people who earn it and to let go of the people who abuse my trust. I have cried oceans of tears over events trivial and earth-shattering and I have learned that no matter how crushing a sorrow is, it will pass. I know what real love is and how, like the Grinch, my heart will always expand to make room for more. I recognize what is good for me and what I cannot seem to resist (chocolate chip cookies, I’m talking to you). I accept my body as it is even as I work to re-mold it into a healthier shape. I cherish the different loves in my life – my parents, my sisters, my nieces and nephew, Mary Alice, Himself (yes, still part of the landscape), West Coast Angel, my church family – and marvel at how each love feels different in the giving and receiving and how each adds precious texture and depth and joy to my life. I am constantly learning and re-learning that there are things I can change and things I must simply accept – and constantly striving to change boldly or accept gracefully.

I am grateful for all that I have.

I like who I am.

But.

I am dissatisfied with my life. It doesn’t resemble the life I want in any way. The life I want includes happy marriage, raising children, and satisfying work in a profession/job that challenges me and provides an income that does more than barely pay the bills. The life I have is single and sometimes lonely, childless, and while my work is relatively enjoyable and challenging, it does not feed my soul and doesn’t allow me financial peace of mind. Without a bachelor’s degree, I am at a sort of dead end.

I don’t have any control over love/marriage or children – that’s God’s territory – but I can redirect my career. And so

THIS IS THE YEAR THAT I CHANGE MY LIFE

I will:

1. Get a part-time job and save the money I earn. – I am working on this. I hope to start a second job this month.
2. Decide where I want to go back to college.
3. Quit my job and move to that place, hopefully by late summer.
4. Either start school in Fall 2010 or, if I need to establish residency in another state, get a full-time job and work for a year.
5. Go to school full-time, probably while working part-time, for the next 3-5 years.
6. Graduate and get a job as an event planner for a professional association or corporation.

I feel…well, I feel convicted. This plan feels good and true. I know it will be nerve-wracking and I know it will not be easy and I know it will take time, and I need to be patient with that, but it feels RIGHT. I am gathering information, making lists and plans, checking in with my trusted confidantes to make sure I am doing everything with the right motivation.

Today, the day I start a new year, I also start a new life. I don’t know where this new life will take me but, as I heard recently, I “don’t have to see the whole staircase to take the first step.” I will take each step as it appears and hope that I will move ever boldly, ever gracefully forward.

Snow Plow Stories

2010-02-06T15:42:00.004-06:00

I saw this outside Target this morning:

My theory is that the car's owner is an employee of one of the stores nearby. The owner angered the snow plow driver because:

a - she, a David's Bridal employee, jilted him in favor of the Radio Shack manager because he works more predictible hours. Not to mention earns a bigger paycheck, which probably means he will take her to Red Lobster instead of Steak n' Shake for their first date.

b - she, a Dots employee, turned him down when he asked her out, and not in a nice way. Those Dots girls can be a little rough. When she discovered her car buried in snow, she called her brothers. The snow plow driver won't explain the new limp and broken nose to his coworkers.

c - he, the Radio Shack manager, dissed the snow plow, calling it a Tonka truck when the snow plow driver came into the store to buy a universal television remote. He's been feeling a little too big for his britches ever since he was promoted and Miss David's Bridal finally accepted his dinner invitation. He drives a primer-painted 1988 Plymouth Sundance that he plans to get repainted now that he is manager. It will be expensive so he hopes Miss David's Bridal won't mind when he takes her to Steak n' Shake for their first date.

d - she, a coed from the local university, cut him off while she was texting and driving. Ironically, she was texting her friends to tell them to take the Oprah No Phone Zone pledge. She regretted her actions as soon as she emerged from Target, where she purchased a Valentine card that will prove to be a horrible mistake. She doesn't know yet that she will never wear the Dyeables shoes she ordered from David's Bridal that exactly match her dress for the sorority house Valentine formal.

What's your theory?

Grace in Small Things #17 - The Winter Doldrums Edition

2010-01-27T22:20:00.016-06:00

1. Sunshine! Well, almost sunshine.

2. Mike & Ike Lemonade Blends.

3. A Bed Buddy
4. Yak Trax

5. Patak's Tikka Masala sauce
6. There are only 52 days until spring.

(Please forgive my unruly images - they refuse to behave. Or please forgive me because I refuse to keep trying to force them to stay where I want them.)

Failbooking.com or Violet hasn't had anything interesting to say in weeks but she's feeling the need to post

2010-01-22T09:55:00.004-06:00

see more funny facebook stuff!

Illinois, Illinois

2010-01-06T23:07:00.006-06:00

Illinois State Song

By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,
O'er thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,
Comes an echo on the breeze,
Rustling through the leafy trees,
and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois,
And its mellow tones are these, Illinois.

From a wilderness of prairies, Illinois, Illinois,
Straight thy way and never varies, Illinois, Illinois,
Till upon the inland sea,
Stands thy great commerical tree,
turning all the world to thee, Illinois, Illinois,
Turning all the world to thee, Illinois.

When you heard your country calling, Illinois, Illinois,
Where the shot and shell were falling, Illinois, Illinois,
When the Southern host withdrew,
Pitting Gray against the Blue,
There were none more brave than you, Illinois, Illinois,
There were none more brave than you, Illinois.

Not without thy wondrous story, Illinois, Illinois,
Can be writ the nation's glory, Illinois, Illinois,
On the record of thy years,
Abraham Lincoln's name appears,
Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois, Illinois,
Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois.

written by C.H. Chamberlain, composed by Archibald Johnston
*
*
*
Yesterday, the local news was all about the mandatory furlough (unpaid time off) days imposed by my employer, the state’s largest public university.

Today, the news was all about the seven-year contract and multi-multi-multi-million dollar salary awarded to a professional baseball player.

The mental lava is still spewing from the volcanic explosion in my head so I am unable to verbalize my feelings about the juxtaposition of these two events…but I think you get it.
*
*
*
This morning, Mary Alice and I were discussing the distressing news that the health department in a neighboring county may be forced to close because the state has not paid the health department the funds due it this fiscal year. The state did, however, offer to LOAN the health department some money at 5% interest. (Flow, mental lava, flow.)

Mary Alice suggested that the Mafia may be running our state. I said, no, the Mafia would do a much better job of it.
*
*
*
The whole country is in fiscal crisis, true...but I'm told that Illinois ranks above only California in our level of dire-straightedness. Ain't we special.

"...and our tears, Illinois, Illinois."

100...or Violet really does love a list, doesn't she?

2010-01-06T21:54:00.006-06:00

Happy New Year! This is my 100th post. I've been avoiding writing about other things that are bouncing around in my head because I wanted to do the traditional '100 things' but I've been lazy since I got home from my sister's. I better get this published so I can get on with it, like telling you how amazing my nieces are, or about the Christmas gift from Mary Alice that is the happy end of a quest.

My first real job was as a phlebotomist at a hospital. I loved it and I was very good.
June bugs freak me out.
I detest washing the dishes.
My favorite color is green.
I was a Brownie but not a Girl Scout.
I was in 4-H.
I don’t eat chocolate candy in the wintertime – it doesn’t melt right.
I love to recycle. I mean, I LOVE to recycle. It’s weird.
But I can’t be bothered to recycle plastic grocery bags. It irritates me to have to save them and take them back to the store. I really should get a bunch of those re-usable bags.
I have a very strong sense of direction and never get lost.
I love to dance and sing.
Music affects me in a visceral way.
I cry easily. It’s my way of releasing emotions, both positive and negative.
Wild violets are my favorite flowers. They are pretty and delicate but also extremely hardy and hard to vanquish. Like me.
I am the oldest of three girls.
When we were kids, I had my sisters almost convinced that I was a Celestial Being, not a human.
More recently, I had my nieces almost convinced that I am the real Kim Possible.
I always wanted an older brother.
I had an uncle with Downs Syndrome.
I am very much like my dad’s only sister.
I’m not sure I could force myself to bungee jump for a million dollars.
I could eat something disgusting, though.
I have 4 surgical scars.
Words are good. Numbers are evil.
As my hair gets more grey, it is becoming wavy. It’s freaking me out.
Red is not my natural hair color.
My real name is not Violet.
My eyes really are blue.
I have one tattoo.
My laugh is loud and frequent.
I am an excellent swimmer.
I love shoes.
I hate wearing them.
I hate it when people scuff their heels as they walk.
I detest being cold.
But I love being outside when it’s snowing.
I am rarely bored.
I love to act and perform on stage…but I haven’t been in a show since 1993.
I occasionally enjoy erotica and porn.
I adore Barbie – especially the really fancy, really expensive ones.
To date I have received 2 speeding tickets. The last one was in 1990.
My parents have been happily, contentedly married for 47 years.
I was not-so-happily, not-so-contentedly married for 11 years.
I think of myself as ‘single’ not ‘divorced.’ I don’t define myself by the death of that marriage.
All I have ever really wanted, deep down, is to be a wife and mother.
At the moment, I am single and childless.
I am convinced there is a reason for that strong desire. God just hasn’t showed it to me yet.
I know I will marry again. I am as sure of that as I am that the sun rises in the east. And I know it will last.
I am planning my last wedding in my head.
My sisters would not be surprised to hear that.
Lilac is my favorite scent.
Lemon is my favorite flavor.
I could eat chicken almost every day of the year.
Cake is my favorite food.
I think my facial features are prettier individually than the whole.
I don't wear turtlenecks.
I love rings and wish I had a whole wardrobe of them.
Summer is my favorite season.
I often get hooked on one particular food and choose to eat it over and over again for weeks. And then I’m done.
I am a quilter, a cross stitcher, and I make jewelry.
I have been working on a quilt for my sister for over 6 years. It was supposed to be a housewarming gift. They moved into the house 5 years ago.
I am allergic to cats.
I am a born-again Christian but I don’t like that label. Too many connotations go with it that don’t fit me.
I have worn glasses and/or contacts since second grade.
I am planning to get Lasik surgery in 18 months – as soon as I pay off my car loan.
Wool anything is always too scratchy, even with something underneath it.
Except my boiled wool slippers. I love, love, love them.
I can’t go to sleep without washing my face and brushing my teeth.
I procrastinate.
I let go of the need to have a perfectly clean home when my mother visits.
I read a chapter from the Bible almost every night.
I love water. I love to be in it, near it, hearing it, looking at it…even drinking it.
I don’t necessarily want to live to be 80 or 90. I believe that our bodies were not designed to last that long.
I am unsatisfied with my current life.
I love my car – a 2005 ardor blue (aka navy) Hyundai Sonata.
I miss having a dog but won’t get another one until I’m married again.
If I got rid of all the clothes I never wear, my wardrobe wouldn’t even fill one dresser.
I adore the Hamster Dance.
I am easily amused. Obviously.
The second toe on my right foot is shorter than the others. It’s not freakishly short but people often notice.
I always, always wear polish on my toenails.
I rarely wear polish on my fingernails.
I love the way lipstick looks but can’t stand the way it feels, so I don’t wear it.
I only wear silver or white gold jewelry.
A woman at a gas station in Kentucky said I had the whitest teeth she had ever seen. I’ve always wondered if she really said “widest” because I don’t think my teeth are all that white.
I may be related to Donny & Marie.
I want to quit working to go back to college to complete a bachelor’s degree and then work as an event planner for a corporation or association.
I love roller coasters.
Amethyst is my birthstone.
I have never been able to decide if I am a Spring or a Summer.
I love to read.
My sisters call me the Queen of the Small Fact.
I learn a lot of those 'small facts' from the lightweight fiction I read.
Pepsi is my very favorite beverage.
Whiskey is my preferred liquor.
I don’t like beer and I can’t drink wine – I have a sort of allergic reaction to it.
I am very curious.
I like to be spontaneous.
But I also like to know what “the plan” is. This amuses Mary Alice.
I whine and complain a lot about the things I don't have but I do realize how fortunate and loved I am. I just need to be reminded now and then.

Lookee what I did!

2009-12-17T22:34:00.008-06:00

Last year, I made cake balls and Oreo truffles for the first time. (I've gone over to the dark side - I'm calling them cake balls now even though it still sounds naughty every single time I say it. Every. single. time.) I impressed myself with the way the cake balls turned out but the truffles were just white squares with Oreo crumbs sprinkled on top. Delicious but nothing special to look at.

But this year…

I made cake balls and Oreo truffles again. This year, instead of a boxed chocolate cake mix, I used my double-top-secret recipe for red velvet cake (ok, fine, it’s Paula Deen’s recipe – but use 3 eggs, not 2 - it is A-MAY-ZING) and homemade cream cheese frosting for the cake balls. Soooooo delectable!! So mind-blowingly yummy that it was an major exercise in self-control and selflessness to pack them into tins to give as gifts. I wanted to eat all 91 of them myself. (I only ate 67.)

I decorated them the same way so there’s nothing new to see.

But

this

year…

I decided the Oreo truffles needed a touch of zig, a bit of zag.

I am so pleased with how these turned out I can hardly stand myself.

It took a whole weekend and every implement in my kitchen - not to mention splatter-painting the whole kitchen with almond bark - to achieve this glory…but it was so worth it.

I am ridiculously proud of this small accomplishment.

And I won't make them again for another 11.5 months.

The chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater

2009-12-06T15:34:00.006-06:00

One October Saturday when I was 16, Mom and I went shopping. (Ah, those idyllic days when I actually enjoyed shopping! Little did I know that spending my own money would strip the joy right out of it.) During the course of the afternoon, I found a sweater I wanted. It was love at first sight. It was a chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater. (It was 1981, ok?) It was gorgeous, the most beautiful sweater I had ever seen, and made me feel pretty, sophisticated, and sexy. (I didn't tell Mom that last part.)

Somehow, Mom convinced me to wait, to look around some more. I was skeptical, and probably a little petulant, but I reluctantly agreed.

A couple of weeks later, we returned to the same store. I flew across the store to the rounder where that sweater would surely be waiting for me to love it forever.

It
was
gone.

I was heartbroken. And then I was mad at Mom in the way that only a 16-year-old girl can get mad at her mother. I was rude, I was snotty, I was insufferable. I whined and cried and castigated my mother for not letting me get the sweater when I first saw it. I swore that my LIFE was OVER, no one would EVER LOVE me, all the boys would think I was UGLY and I was SURE to get bad grades and NOT get asked to the PROM because I didn't get the chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater and she was the MEANEST, worst mom ever and it was SO UNFAIR!!!!!!!

Mom listened in stoic silence as I fretted and flounced back to the car. She pulled out of the parking lot and headed home, quiet against my dramatic railing. Finally, with the car stopped at a stop light, she turned to look at me. During a pause in my Oscar-worthy monologue, she said:

"The sweater is under my bed. I bought it the day after we were here before. It's a Christmas present for you."

Oh.

Um.

That shut me up. I don't really remember what I mumbled in reply, but I'm sure it included "I'm sorry" and "I didn't know" surrounded by many tears but, really, it didn't matter. She put me in my place but good. I remember feeling embarrassed and sheepish.

Nothing keeps a 16-year-old girl down for long. Soon, possibly even later that day (I had some seriously stupid cojones at 16), I asked if I could have the sweater then, since I knew it was there. My mother said that because of my horrible behavior she wasn't sure she was going to keep the sweater...but if she did, I would not get it until Christmas Day..and I would not know until Christmas Day if she had decided to keep it or not.

I would like to report that I spent the next two months in a constant state of anticipation and mortification but I didn't. I do remember that I was curious about the fate of the sweater - and also that I still wanted it. It was a great sweater.

By Christmas morning, though, I was definitely on pins and needles. As we exchanted gift after gift, I would think "is this the one?" but my hopes faded with each opened box.

Finally, there was only one gift left for me. The box was the right size, the right shape, the right weight to contain a chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater. My breath caught in my throat and my heart stopped beating as I tore through the wrapping. I closed my eyes as I pushed back the tissue paper...

There it was. Chocolate brown. Boucle knit. Cowl neck. Batwing sleeves. The sweater of my dreams and of my humiliation. The sweater that showed that my mother loved me more than she disliked my behavior.

I wore the chocolate brown, boucle-knit, cowl-neck, batwing sweater to Grammie's that day and on many, many occasions after that. I really did love that sweater - to this day I remember the richness of the color, the soft nubbiness of the boucle knit, how deep the cowl and how wide the batwing sleeves...but more importantly, I have never forgotten the shame I felt when Mom turned to me in the car that day and showed me with a few quiet words how petty and self-centered I could be.

The sweater is long gone, of course, but the lesson has stayed with me for almost 30 years.

Et tu, Barbie? And related tidbits

2009-11-30T21:38:00.005-06:00

Tidbit #1: I love Barbie. OK, I heart Barbie in a way that would embarrass a lot of 5-year-old girls. Now, mind you, I love the really, really, ridiculously expensive Barbies that no one in their right mind would let a 5-year-old touch, let alone play with. My Barbie collection is pretty small because I can't afford all of those gorgeous, bedazzling, Bob Mackie-clad Barbies but I can tell you all about them. The glitter! The eyelashes! The over-the-top fashions and deliciously high heels! Ohhhhhhh, how I love them! (Did you know that Christian Louboutin thinks Barbie has cankles? What gall!) The latest Barbie Collector catalog arrived today, which brings me to...

Tidbit #2: Barbie has caught Twilight mania. The lovely folks at Mattel have created Bella and Edward - is nothing sacred?? (Stephanie? Do you need the smelling salts?) We'll see if my feelings change between now and Christmas, because...

Tidbit #3: In a very odd coincidence, all four Twilight books also arrived in the mail today. I am planning to celebrate Christmas with my middle sister and her family and my oldest niece is Twilight crazy. She sent the books to me so I can read them before Christmas. I love to read but my pace has slowed significantly these last months...four novels may be a tall order in less than 4 weeks. Especially when this is occupying the reading space in my head:

Tidbit #4: I drove 9 hours to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. I listened to the audiobook version of Loving Frank by Nancy Horan on the way there. I was disappointed to hear at the very beginning that it was an abridged version - I don't like abridged, I might miss something! - but it was still 6 hours of listening pleasure so I went ahead. I LOVED it!! I have been a huge fan of Frank Lloyd Wright architecture and the Prairie Style for years but never knew anything about his personal life. It's a wonderful, shocking true story and I want to get the book and read it in all of its fabulous unabridgedness and then keep it for my very own. My mom read it and loved it and my youngest sister has considered reading it - we all have very different tastes in reading material but it appeals to all of us. Youngest sister (hmmmm, my sisters need code names) may suggest it for her book club. I think it would be a terrific choice - the discussion would be so much fun! I listened to the book 5 days ago and I'm still thinking about it. It's a good one.

Tidbit #5: During the drive home, I listened to One for the Money by Janet Evanovich. I realized about two pages in (or maybe two paragraphs) that I had already read or listened to it. It's the bane of a voracious reader's life, I suppose - reading so many books that one doesn't recognize the title or cover of all the books one has previously consumed. Since I only took two audiobooks with me, it made for a long ride home. And made me consider the merits of keeping a record of all the books I read.

and a completely unrelated Tidbit #6: Overheard on tonight's episode of Accidentally on Purpose, a show that seems such fluff that it shouldn't keep my attention but I keep watching it:

James (the ex-bf): I miss you.
Billie: You should miss me. I am wonderful!

I love that.

A Love Letter to You

2009-11-19T18:39:00.002-06:00

I started this blog one year ago today. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing but I felt like I had things to say. My goal was, and is, to share the real me.

Things get messy when human beings interact but so many people try sooooo hard to keep everything looking neat and tidy. I decided that I wouldn’t be afraid to expose my messy side. Sure, it makes me vulnerable but I’m a violet: delicate and pretty, sure…but hardy and resilient, too. I determined that I would be myself, say whatever I wanted to say, and take whatever feedback came with it. That feedback has, on the whole, been constructive and thoughtful.

This hasn’t been an easy year for me. Life has definitely thrown me some curve balls and because of that, I haven’t been as witty, clever, or interesting as I hoped to be. I have been honest, though, and sometimes that has been difficult but you have always been supportive.

I am honored that you read what I have to say and you keep coming back. In fact, you not only come back, you take the time to share your thoughts with me and I am always encouraged by your warmth, kindness, and candor. You give me perhaps the most honest, unbiased responses to my thoughts because you don’t have anything to gain or lose by being completely straight with me. That is invaluable and has provided me much food for thought.

I am looking forward to a second year of blogging – a year that will be happier, when I will share good news more often than bad, when I will find the silver linings and the rainbows and the unicorns frolicking in the… ok, maybe that’s going too far. So I’ll stop and just say thank you.

Thank you for your bloggy friendship.
I am grateful and I appreciate you.

Friday Fill-In #150 (Yeah, I know it's late Saturday)

2009-11-14T22:08:00.002-06:00

1. The last band I saw live was Casting Crowns.

2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is hanging out with my family.

3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is minimal.

4. Thoughts of possible changes fill my head.

5. I wish I could wear sexy, high-heeled shoes and be comfortable.

6. Bagpipes make me sad.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the end of the work week, tomorrow my plans include raking and bagging leaves and Sunday, I want to go to the gym!

Fat

2009-11-13T21:18:00.011-06:00

I am pretty.
I am intelligent.
I am charming.
I am funny.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am fun.
I am kind.
I am talented.

But…

I am fat. Not just overweight. Not just curvy. I am obese. And too often that seems to trump all of my attractive qualities.

I wasn’t always fat. My parents say that I was a skinny pre-schooler. My kindergarten, first, and second grade pictures show a narrow face along with the mussed hair and missing teeth. But the third grade picture? Round face, chubby cheeks. I have no idea what happened in that year, maybe it’s as simple as hormones kicking in.

(How awesome are those red shoes??)

Whatever it was, that was the beginning of my struggle with fat. For the rest of my school years, I was overweight. All those years, I thought I was HUGE. My mother frequently patted my cheeks and said, “You’re such a pretty girl. If only you’d lose 10 (20, 30, 50) pounds…” (Ah, the anger just typing that generates!)

I bloomed early. I had a curvy, very womanly figure as early as 6th grade. I don’t remember trying to lose weight but I do remember being very embarrassed by my size and I was teased a lot and called awful names by the other kids. I played basketball in junior high, took dance classes, and sang in choir…but I spent every recess and lunchtime reading by myself.

When I got to high school, I discovered the theater and boys. I had good success with both – played the leads in plays and the second leads in musicals (because the lead can’t be a fat girl, y’know, even if she has the best voice in school) and dated a lot.

When I graduated from high school, I weighed around 170. Yes, overweight for a girl 5’4” with a small-ish frame, but not HUGE. Frankly, I was dead sexy. I was a brick house. I would give my big toes to have that body now!

(1983 was a good year for corduroy and fake logs. And how weird is it that my hairstyle has come full circle - except for the curling iron torture, it looks almost exactly the same now.)

I made a series of bad decisions over the next decade (tried and failed at college 3 times, married the wrong man), which led to a lot of depression and thus a lot of inactivity and comfort eating. I became HUGE. Not cut-the-side-of-the-house-open huge but fat enough that buying clothes that fit nicely is an issue. My body looks now the way my mother made me feel all those years ago.

(This photo is a few years old - the body is still pretty much the same but the hair is soooo much longer!)

I have struggled not only with my actual body but also with my feelings about it. I understand that my body is not attractive to the mainstream and yet I feel sexy and beautiful most of the time. Sometimes I want to be a “normal” size and sometimes I am perfectly happy with my body the way it is. I don’t want to be thin – I like my curves and don’t want to lose them. I do want to be healthier, move easier, and be more active…and those things will only happen if my body is smaller.

I had knee replacement surgery on both knees in the last year. There were at least three contributing factors – an injury, heredity, and my weight – but I have to believe that my weight was the major cause. Those surgeries brought me to the realization that my weight is taking a toll on my body even though I don’t have high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol. So I joined a gym 6 weeks ago and I am getting into the habit of exercising. I am starting to notice small changes and I have lost 6 pounds.

I know that losing weight will make me healthier as well as more physically appealing but there is a part of me that is ANGRY because I have to change my outside before most people will take the time to get to know my inside. I am an amazing, interesting woman with so much to offer – why is it so hard for people to look at me as a PERSON because I am FAT? I am tired of being invisible. Funny thing, that – I am usually the fattest person in the room but people often treat me like a piece of furniture. It’s an amazing and sad thing to witness people’s ability to not see me.

I think I lost the point of this post somewhere. I'm not looking for sympathy or for praise for my current efforts. This was triggered by yet another incident where I was ignored in that way that only happens to those who are fat or disabled. People don’t want to SEE us.

Too bad they don’t realize that if they would SEE me, they would discover someone wonderful.

Grace in Small Things #16

2009-11-11T22:44:00.003-06:00

It’s been one of those days. As if the Himself sitch wasn't enough, work has sucked golfballs the last few weeks (yeah, pretty much ever since the praise from the boss). I need to force myself to find the sunbeam…

+ Warm feet. It took me 44 years to appreciate the value of wearing slippers but I finally get it.

+ Being told that my oldest niece brags about having pretty hands “like Auntie Vi.”

+ Noticing teeny, tiny little improvements in my energy level now that I’ve been going to the gym for a month. And maybe even some upper arm strength - I didn't even know I had arm muscles.

+ Knowing that I have options and knowing that I can take all the time I want to consider each and every one.

+ Chocolate chip cookies.

+ The security and comfort of unconditional love. I have two sisters and one best friend who always listen, always respect how I feel (even when it's the 17th day in a row when I've felt pouty and mad and stupid and weepy), and always respond with loving honesty.

It's amazing how quickly this little exercise works...oh, look - there's the sun!

Manic Monday #188

2009-11-09T21:51:00.002-06:00

What does it mean to you to have courage? The definition of courage I like is being afraid but doing it (whatever it is) anyway. We all have opportunities to act when it would be easier to do nothing. In my life, I think courage is taking the risk of speaking up or standing up when I'd much rather go unnoticed. Right now, I'm searching for the courage to cause myself pain. I know severing the relationship with Himself is the only way for me to survive but, BOY, is it going to hurt!

Is your favorite time the past, present or the future? I wish I could say the present because it is the only place we ever really are but I have always looked to the future. The past is gone; my present has been unsatisfying for a long time. The future always holds the promise of happier days.

What makes you a good person? I could list a lot of virtues but I think it all boils down to the fact that I believe people are good and nice and trying to do the right thing. I trust people. I expect the best from people. Sure, that means that I'm often let down...but people often surprise me with their goodness, too.

Someday I will have good news. Today is not that day.

2009-11-07T21:54:00.004-06:00

A month ago, I spent the weekend with Himself and we had a serious conversation about us. I came home feeling like the weekend was an ending and determined to shift my focus to other areas of my life.

I joined a gym and I am getting into the habit of going (and sort of, almost enjoying it) but I haven’t found a way to distract myself from Himself. We have stayed in pretty much the same contact as we have for months and he continues to say and do things that confuse me. So I started yet another conversation about us a couple nights ago and forced him to give me definite answers.

He loves me. He likes me. He wants me. I am as important to him as two of his oldest, dearest friends; he says he talks to me a lot more than he talks to them. But I am too far away and he doesn’t have the time/money/energy/interest in pursuing a long distance relationship and he doubts he ever will have the interest, even when the time, money, and energy are available.

We talked very seriously for about an hour…then chatted about everything and nothing for another FOUR HOURS. This phone call started at almost 11 p.m. on a week night, I had to get up at 6 a.m., yet we talked until 4 a.m. just because we were enjoying each other’s company.

W.
T.
F.

I need to find the strength and courage to say goodbye to Himself. I want to change how I feel so we can stay friends but I don’t know how. Maybe I need to give it time. Or maybe I need to put my big girl panties on and make the cut. I’ve done it before…but that man didn’t mean nearly as much to me as Himself does. For the time being, every time I have a hopeful thought where Himself is concerned, I remind myself that he doesn’t want me the way I want him to.

I am mad at myself, mad at Himself, and mad at the world. I feel defeated, hopeless, helpless, and weak.

Grace in Small Things #15 - The How did I Live So Long Without One? edition

2009-11-01T20:17:00.010-06:00

Inspired by my new

Friday Fill-Ins #148

2009-10-30T16:18:00.006-05:00

1. It was a dark and stormy night, this October.

2. I know how those overdue fines pile up so I offered to take the books myself.

3. Rushing out, she didn't stop to kiss him goodbye.

4. The newlyweds must be home...I think I heard a howl!

5. Shhhh... that bone-rattling is enough to wake the dead.

6. I'll be yours forever if you give me something good to eat!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to working out, tomorrow my plans include cleaning (and eating Halloween candy) and Sunday, I want to do absolutely nothing productive!

A meme

2009-10-14T21:49:00.004-05:00

I am learning patience. It’s taken almost 45 years to get to this point, but it’s a very, VERY hard lesson for me.

I think too much.

I have a lot of love around me. I need to recognize it more often.

I wish I had an I-pod now that I go to the gym.

I hate washing dishes.

I miss Himself. Every minute. But it's ok.

I fear ending up like my Aunt Mary, who had a sad, misfortune-filled life and died in her mid-50s.

I hear that we may be forced to take “furlough” days at work. Bastards.

I smell nothing. Is that weird?

I crave financial security. Not lots of money – just a little more than enough to cover the bills would be great.

I search ed the world over and thought I found true love. She met another and, PBBBBLT, she was gone. (Sorry, it’s the first thing that popped into my head. And how does one spell that raspberries sound, anyway?)

I wonder what the next change will be. My life doesn’t go very long without one.

I regret that I didn’t have children. Now I hope that I will get the chance to be a stepmother.

I love every comment I get here. They make me silly happy.

I ache in my thighs. Seems the ol’ quads are still pretty weak after my knee surgeries and the new exercise regimen is making them scream.

I am not going to give up.

I believe that love is a verb.

I dance ballet…in my head.

I sing very well, In fact, my voice is recorded on an album. Yes, a vinyl album…which means no one will ever hear it again because turntables have gone the way of the 8-track.

I cry very easily.

I fight so many urges. Today I won two of those fights…and lost one.

I win games of trivia. My sisters dubbed me Queen of the Small Fact back in the day when Trivial Pursuit was all the rage.

I lose things only very rarely. I don’t try, I just almost always know where my things are.

I never win contests. Even when I enter.

I always see both sides of a situation. It’s a blessing but also a curse.

I confuse a lot of people with my quirkiness.

I listen to what other people say with their body language and even more so with their “vibe.”

I can usually be found on Yahoo IM. But I’m usually only visible to four people.

I am scared that I used up my happiness allotment in the first half of my life.

I need very little. I want a lot.

I am happy about joining a gym.

I imagine what having a good hair day would be like. I’m lucky if I get a good hair hour.

I tag freight cars. OK, I don’t…but I admire that artistic talent.

Wrong number - the next generation

2009-10-09T12:57:00.005-05:00

Text message received at 9:23 p.m. last night:

hey jordan told me 2 tell u tht he doesnt like emily she hangs on him & he tries 2 get her off im helpin wit it but he doesnt like her he told me 2 tell u & make sure ur not mad at him

1 - I don't know anyone named Jordan.

2 - I'm not mad at him.

3 - I don't know anyone named Emily.

4 - She sounds lovely (and maybe a little kinky).

5 - I'm not surprised Jordan doesn't like Emily - guys don't really like it when a girl hangs on them.

6 - If Jordan "tries 2 get her off" it's no wonder Emily likes Jordan, though...but he may be sending mixed signals.

7 - Since this message wasn't for me, I am DYING to know who 'u' is and if there is mass confusion at school today.

8 - I am also curious if this is the same sender who wanted to know what time the game was and if it was home or away last Friday.

Grace in Small Things #14

2009-10-06T21:41:00.006-05:00

1. Getting a very nice email from the big boss in which he thanked me for my professionalism and commitment to the organization after learning of a pending change that he knew would make me unhappy.

2. The Hershey Special Dark chocolate bar I enjoyed this morning. Yes, I know I said I don't eat chocolate when it's cold. Apparently, it's not cold enough yet...and chocolate was just the thing after the unhappy work news.

3. A quiet date with Mary Alice - just pizza, Dancing with the Stars, and conversation.

4. My wonderful, loving friends. They listen patiently as I ramble on and on about whatever is on my mind (*cough*Himself*cough*) and never seem to get bored or annoyed.

5. New shoes - a sweet little find at less than half the original price. They're just cute little Skechers but now I have something casual to wear besides Birks or my clompy, grass-stained Brooks. Besides, the S is sparkly!

Watershed

2009-10-04T23:59:00.002-05:00

If you had told me two weeks ago that I would soon spend a lovely weekend with Himself, I would have laughed, said “Shyeah, right!”, thanked you for being sweet, and kept on keeping on.

Well, I just spent a lovely weekend with Himself.

Here’s how it happened:

The situation with Himself had been stagnant-ish for months. It had been sixteen months since we spent time together – so many reasons for that but it boils down to his lack of commitment to make it happen. So a few weeks ago I (finally) decided I needed to start moving on and I joined a dating website.

For months on end, Himself stressed that he wasn’t available for a romantic relationship and that we were Just Friends – who knew what would happen in the future, but Just Friends for now. At one point, he even encouraged me to date other men. (Boy, that hurt.)

The night before I left for Florida, I told my Just Friend Himself that I joined that dating site and a couple of men were showing interest in me. Local-ish men who even said they wanted to meet me. This is the kind of thing that Just Friends share with each other, right? Well, Himself exploded. It turned into a HUGE discussion-slash-argument (now known as “The Horrible Conversation”). I kept reminding him of his justfriendsjustfriendsjustfriends mantra and he finally calmed down enough to admit that I was right about that and he didn’t know why he was so upset. The conversation ended ok but I was extremely surprised by his reaction and more confused than ever. His reaction was not that of someone who only has “friendly” feelings toward me.

While I was on vacation, he texted me almost every day. It was the kind of fun, flirty dialogue we engaged in months ago, before he we agreed to be Just Friends. I loved it but grew more confused as the days went on. The first time we talked after I got home, I asked him what was going on in his head. He said that he was as surprised as I was by his reaction – that he was upset by the idea of me moving on. That realization spurred him into action and he checked his calendar for open weekends and investigated locations where we could meet somewhere between where we each live. By the end of that conversation, we had made a date for this past weekend. I was shocked, to say the least.

He did not, I must tell you, promise that our relationship was going to change. In fact, he said that he didn’t know if it would but that he wanted to see me, spend time with me and, as he loves to say, “take it from there.” I, by the same token, did not expect the situation to turn on a dime. I’m a hopeful romantic and so very in love with him, but I am also a realist. While a tiny little part of me hoped that he would take one look at my face and realize that he has been a colossal fool, I knew that was the longest of long shots. I believed (and still do) that we need that face-to-face time to determine if anything is ever going to come of us. It has to start somewhere.

Friday, I drove to meet him. It was so sweet, so AMAZING, to see his face, to actually be in the same air space and he felt the same way. We had such a good time together – we spent Saturday afternoon wandering around a funky little shopping district, just browsing through the shops. It was easy, fun, sweet, and romantic...but his vibe felt different to me. He was thoroughly engaged with me but seemed slightly reserved.

This morning I addressed what I was feeling and we talked for a long, long time. Long story short (yeah, I know…too late), the geographical distance between us is insurmountable to him. His life is still crazy, he’s still struggling financially, he has so many obligations, blah blah blah. Everything he said is valid…but I believe if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen. I have tried to make this relationship happen any way I could because I want it bad enough. He apparently doesn’t.

This so completely sucks. He loves me, I don’t doubt that for a second. He says that if we lived in the same city, we would be dating. He said he wants to see me “when we can” but doesn’t know when that might be. I told him I’m not interested in a Same Time, Next Year situation.

I am thrilled that I saw him. I am so happy that our weekend together was everything I hoped it would be…except for the part when I said to him “we don’t want the same thing” and he didn’t disagree with me.

I still love him more than I thought possible.
I still hope that Himself and I will have a happily-ever-after.
I still think he is overwhelmed by his life and not able to see a way to fit me in right now.
I still believe that when his life settles down he will find a way.

But things are going to change around here. It’s time for me to focus on other things. I won’t hold my breath waiting for another glorious, sweet, loving, fun, happy weekend that is much too late in coming.

I deserve to be a priority. I will no longer settle for a place at the bottom of the list.

Bullets

2009-10-01T12:33:00.004-05:00

The Tall One texted "how are u?" to me early last week. I ignored it. On Saturday, he texted "U still mad at me?" and I replied "I'm not mad...just done." Without any hesitation, he sent back "OK have a nice life." *sigh* Addicts never cease to amaze. I seriously doubt I've heard the last of him, but I hope I have.
I will be traveling out of town again this weekend. This makes 4 fun trips in 3 months - which is unheard of for me! I'm loving every second of it...but, even though all of these trips have been on the cheap, my wallet is crying "uncle"!!
All this travel has really pointed out how pathetic my wardrobe is. Anyone who wants to contribute to the Well-Dressed Violet fund is welcome and will be thanked profusely.
And yet, I will manage to overpack. Especially shoes.
I just thought of an unknown fact about me: I don't eat chocolate candy when it's cold. Chocolate cake, sure. Brownies, absolutely. (mmmmm, brownies!!!) But in the winter chocolate gets too cold and doesn't melt in my mouth and that detracts so much from my enjoyment of it that I'd rather not eat it at all. Farewell, chocolate - I will dream of our reunion next May.

Grace in Small Things #13

2009-09-25T09:06:00.003-05:00

1. Every single second of my week in Florida with Mary Alice, Brick, and Gus the Dog. (More to come when I surface from my post-vaca coma.)

2. Feeling truly relaxed and rejuvenated after my week in Florida.

3. Finally making significant, satisfying progress on the work project that has been weighing on me for months. (hmmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with #2??)

4. The Krispy Kreme donut I just ate. I've never had one before because I don't really like yeast donuts, but WOW that was delish!

5. The good news I got last night. I won't share it now because I don't trust it yet...but it has to do with Himself.

A B C Meme

2009-09-11T15:32:00.004-05:00

Just the other days, it occurred to me that I hadn't seen a good meme in a while. You know I love a meme. Just found this one over at Emily's spot, and it's a goody.

Available or married? Available

Best Friend? Mary Alice...I really need to blog about her one of these days. Maybe after we get back from the beach.

Cake or Pie? Cake. Unless it's rhubarb pie. But definitely cake.

Drink of choice? diet Pepsi

Essential item for every day use? Deoderant

Favorite color? Green

Google? "I gurgled it." Excellent quote from "Acceptance," a not-so-excellent, made-for-TV movie starring the usually-awesome Joan Cusack. (how 'bout those hyphens, huh??)

Hometown? Champaign, Illinois

Indulgences? Books, Starbuck's Java Chip ice cream, McD sweet tea, "Beautiful" perfume

January or February? February

Kids and their names? Zero

Life is incomplete without? Love in all its forms.

Marriage date? TBD

Number of siblings? Two

Oranges or apples? This time of year it's apples.

Phobias and fears? June bugs. *shudder*

Quote for the day? "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

Reason to smile? The earthquake was mighty last night but my world did not crumble.

Season? Summer

Tag 3 people? It seems to be au courant to not tag, so I'm going with the flow.

Unknown fact about me? Just a few days ago, I thought of something unusual about me...but now I can't remember. Maybe it wasn't that unusual after all.

Vegetable you hate? Brussels sprouts

Worst habit? overanalyzing

X-rays you’ve had? Ummm... not the hands or arms, how's that?

Your fave food? Potatoes

Zodiac sign? Aquarius

Friday Fill-In #141

2009-09-11T12:05:00.004-05:00

Graphic courtesy of Tonya

And...here we go!

1. That's a boneheaded way to be.

2. You're headed in the wrong direction; I'm over here!

3. The possibilities include: meat or cake.

4. Beef stew is one of my favorite cool day recipes.

5. How will you know if you don't ask.

6. She loved sitting on the porch, looking out over a field and a stormy sky.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to escaping from my life, tomorrow my plans include sitting, driving, talking, and counting the miles, and Sunday, I want to dip my toes in the Gulf of Mexico!

The Tall One and the Violet – Epilogue

2009-09-06T20:54:00.003-05:00

Oh, the irony! Just a few days after Part Four of this story was published, the Epilogue played out…

The Tall One usually called or texted Violet every day. History had taught her that when she didn’t hear from him for several days, he had usually relapsed. So when over a week went by without hearing anything from him – even after leaving him messages asking him to let her know he was ok – Violet was very worried. She was concerned that if he didn’t respond to her, it must be because he couldn’t – she wondered if he was high, overdosed, arrested, dead on the side of the road… She considered calling hospitals and jails, even considered calling the Tall One’s sister.

Naturally, when the Tall One called after nine days, she was relieved. He said, “I’m alive!” and assured Violet that he was fine and had not relapsed. When she asked why he hadn’t returned her calls, he said he lost his phone on Wednesday, two days earlier.

Violet – OK, but what about the whole week before that? Where were you then?
Tall One – Well…. I met someone.

He explained that he met a woman at a church function, they were starting to date, and that he hadn’t called because he didn’t want to hurt Violet’s feelings.

Violet paused. She took a deep, cleansing breath. Violet doesn’t really remember most of the next segment of the conversation – that tends to happen when she is so angry that her head is exploding. Violet’s feelings weren’t hurt; she was angry because she had been understandably concerned about a friend who knew she would be worried about him and that friend chose to let her worry.

When Violet reiterated how worried she had been, the Tall One apologized for ignoring her calls. When she asked him about all of the times he professed that he is not ready for a relationship, he said, “You can’t help it when it just comes along.”

TO – I didn’t call to get criticized about my relationship.
V – I’m not criticizing your relationship. Oh, wait – yes, I am. I am criticizing your relationship with ME, your friendship with ME. This feels so much like 18 months ago.
TO – Oh no, she’s nothing like Jezebel. She’s completely different.
V – I’m not talking about her, I’m talking about YOU. I’m talking about how you treated me then and how you treated me now. Someone new came along and you stopped talking to me again. That’s not the way true friends treat each other.
TO – I’m sorry you feel that way.

He really didn’t seem to understand why Violet was angry. At the end of the conversation Violet told the Tall One that he has to decide if he wants to be her friend whether he has a girlfriend or not. The more she thinks about it, though, the more she realizes she doesn’t want to give him another chance.

Violet is certain that the Tall One will call again, probably when his new romance fizzles and he needs someone to talk to. Violet is a loyal, faithful friend who understands that friendships ebb and flow, but she is not a doormat and will not allow the Tall One another opportunity to discard her.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Violet is thankful that the Tall One didn’t relapse. She hopes he stays clean and in recovery, and she wishes him well with his girlfriend (and she wishes the girlfriend a strong heart and a clear mind – she’ll need it). Unfortunately, sadly, this is the end of her friendship with the Tall One. Violet has a very soft heart but she is not a fool.

The end.

Friday Fill-Ins #140

2009-09-04T08:25:00.003-05:00

Graphic courtesy of Tonya

1. I feel worried, frustrated, confused, irritated, unsettled...and oddly peaceful.

2. Cow racing on the Wii is always fun.

3. Right now, I can hear these things: the air conditioning system, my computer, myself chewing.

4. There are many things on my mind and I'm glad God keeps reminding me to lean on Him.

5. The last time I rode a ferris wheel was decades ago. I need to change that.

6. I do not plan to labor this Labor day weekend.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to welcoming my parents (well, mostly...sorta), tomorrow my plans include a big family reunion, and Sunday, I want to attend church then maybe go to a movie!

The Tall One and the Violet, Part Four (it’s long, but it’s the last part)

2009-09-01T21:29:00.003-05:00

Read Part One, Part Two, Part Three

Violet strode out of the church, determined never to speak to the Tall One again. Naturally, then, she answered when he called just a couple of weeks later. He told her that Jezebel had relapsed and was using drugs again. When he first got involved with Jezebel, he assured Violet that if Jezebel relapsed he would break up with her immediately. He didn’t. Violet was disappointed in him but not really surprised.

For the next month or so, the Tall One would call Violet when things got bad (ok, they were always bad, so…worse) with Jezebel. Violet asked God to change her heart where the Tall One was concerned…and He did. It was not easy at first, but she was able to be the Tall One’s friend. She listened, she offered advice, and she verbally whacked him upside the head when he needed it (so, pretty much every time they talked) – although she knew he wouldn’t listen. Time after time, he told her that when some new depth was reached, he would break up with Jezebel. But time after time, they sank to that depth and he stayed with her.

After he’d been involved with Jezebel for about three months, the inevitable happened: he relapsed. It started with alcohol but before long Jezebel dragged him down with her and he eventually became addicted to crack. He never called Violet when he was using or high but always called a few days after to tell her what he had done. She felt like his confessor.

Violet soon recognized that the Tall One was sinking ever deeper into active addiction and it was becoming more difficult for her be his friend. Until now, the situation with the Tall One had not affected Violet’s life outside of her relationship with him. However, one night she shared the latest turn of events with Mary Alice, her BFF, and they got into a horrible argument. Violet realized that the chaos from the Tall One’s life was beginning to seep into her own life and that was not acceptable. She would not tolerate anything that would jeopardize her friendship with Mary Alice. She realized that she needed time to think, to wrap her head around everything, to decide if she could – or wanted to – continue to stay involved in the Tall One's life in any way. Al-Anon had taught her that she could not do anything to stop the Tall One from using and she had to figure out if she could abide the chaos that had become his life. So she told the Tall One that she didn’t want to talk to him or hear from him for 30 days.

He respected her wishes for about ten days. He called late one night and said, “I know it hasn’t been 30 days but I need my friend.” His relationship with Jezebel continued to be more and more chaotic and drug-filled. Violet told the Tall One in no uncertain terms that she wouldn’t have anything to do with him as long as he was using. He became angry and irrational and the call ended badly. Violet thought she might not hear from him again. She believed that she would eventually read his obituary in the newspaper.

Time passed. Violet thought about the Tall One often, but she had let go of all expectations. She was simply concerned for his well-being and prayed that he would find recovery before drugs or the drug world killed him. During this time, she met and became romantically involved with Himself (another sad tale).

One day in early summer, the Tall One called. He said that he had finally ended his relationship with Jezebel, who had again left town to seek treatment. He had lost his job, indirectly because of his drug use, and was unemployed. He checked himself into a local treatment center and stayed for three weeks. When he left treatment, he went straight to his drug dealer to buy crack.

A couple of weeks later, he checked back in to the treatment center but left only a few days later after an altercation with a fellow patient. He drove from the facility to Violet’s apartment because he didn’t have any money or enough gas to drive home.

Violet was in bed reading when her doorbell rang at 11:15 that night. When she looked through the peephole and saw the Tall One standing on the other side of the door, she hesitated to open it. Why was he there so late? Why hadn’t he called first? Was he high? Was he in trouble? She opened the door just enough that she could speak with him. He explained why he was there and, after determining that he was not high, she let him in.

They talked late into the night and the Tall One asked if he could sleep on her couch that night. She reluctantly agreed – and she slept with her bedroom door locked. The next morning, they drove to a gas station and she put $20 worth of gas in his car. As she paid for it, she said to him, “this will never happen again.” He promised it never would…and it never has.

That was a year ago. Since that day, the Tall One has continued to struggle with his addiction and hasn’t managed to string more than 60 clean days together at a time. He found a decent job but the company laid everyone off in January and he has been unemployed since then.

Jezebel resurfaced and called the Tall One – ironically, on Violet’s birthday, exactly a year after the Tall One’s testimony at church. He spoke to her but rejected her suggestion that they meet. He hasn’t heard from Jezebel again.

The Tall One’s life is in ruins. He doesn’t have a car anymore, which makes it difficult to apply for jobs or attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings but he really makes an effort to get rides when he needs them. He and Jezebel sold many of his possessions to get money for drugs, so he doesn’t have much besides a depressing little apartment, a borrowed television, and a cell phone that sometimes he can afford and sometimes he can’t. His past behavior alienated most of his family, including his mother. He tries very hard to maintain a decent relationship with his children but it is difficult under the circumstances. He is looking for a job and trying to repair the relationships he has damaged.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that Violet has struggled with her long distance relationship with Himself over these last months. The Tall One has been a surprisingly positive source of support and encouragement to her. Violet’s relationship with the Tall One has evolved into a loving, extremely candid friendship. She believes that he is a wonderful man with a colossal problem. He knows that she will be there for him as long as he respects the boundaries she set.

None of us knows what the future holds or where our lives will lead us. Neither Violet nor the Tall One would have chosen the paths they have traveled. At this point, those paths still intersect, so as long as their friendship works for both of them they will continue to hang out occasionally, provide emotional support for each other when necessary, and encourage each other as best they can.

As of today, I haven’t heard from the Tall One in six days. When he is ok, he calls just about every day. No contact for this long almost always means he has relapsed again. I am worried about my friend but all I can do is wait and pray that he will call to let me know he is ok.

Manic Monday #180

2009-09-01T09:51:00.004-05:00

Are you usually late, early or right on time?
I'm usually right on time...even though I'm late posting this!

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or to tell them that you do not love them back?
It would be very difficult to tell someone that I do not love them. I think I would probably not say anything at all.

Which would you rather have: a high salary or job satisfaction?
One reason I'm late posting this is because I have been pondering this question. Job satisfaction is important - we spend so many hours of our lives at work that I believe we must be happy while we are there. HOWEVER, money is always such a huge worry for me that having a high salary - or even one that is more than just enough - would be such a relief. So I'm gonna pick high salary.

The Tall One and the Violet, Part Three

2009-08-30T15:07:00.003-05:00

Read Part One; Part Two...the editor is beginning to feel like the Pioneer Woman.

When the Tall One mentioned that he had lunch with “a friend,” alarms rang in Violet’s head. He told Violet that the woman – let’s call her Jezebel – was someone he met at an NA meeting the previous fall. She was a heroin addict who had been “away” (code for seeking recovery at a treatment center) for some time and had just returned to town. She was unemployed and had very little money and had rented an apartment in a bad neighborhood. She was, he said, afraid to stay there by herself. So he, gallant man, offered to sleep on Jezebel’s couch that night. He assured Violet that nothing untoward happened between him and Jezebel. Violet didn’t believe him for a second…and her world tilted off its axis.

The Tall One fell under Jezebel’s spell and she had him twisted around her twisted little finger in record time. By Thursday of that same week, he told Violet that their church/birthday plans were off because “I’m with her now.” Anytime he spoke with Violet, Jezebel was sitting right next to him, listening in on the conversations. Violet was devastated. She couldn’t believe that this compassionate, kind, loving man could change so drastically and quickly into the unfeeling, cavalier person on the other end of the phone. She didn’t argue with him so much as try to understand what was happening. How could he go from loving her to discarding her from his life like a used Kleenex? Violet told the Tall One that, while he may not have started drinking again, she felt like she was seeing him in active addiction. She began to think of the Tall One as two people: the Tall One, the sweet, fun, if troubled, man she had known for a year; and the Addict, the mean, selfish maniac he became the instant he met Jezebel.

Violet was devastated but she was also royally PISSED OFF. She had supported the Tall One during all those months of his recovery – taking his late night calls when he needed to talk, encouraging him to go to meetings and to talk with other recovering addicts, attending Al-Anon meetings (which was for herself, really), sending him cards to celebrate each month of sobriety, whatever she could do to cheer him on. She knew that she was his only reliable supporter and she knew that the Tall One truly appreciated that support. The Addict acted like he didn’t care about anything and that made Violet very, very angry.

She realized that her birthday celebration was not going to happen, but she felt she had a right to hear his testimony at church that Sunday. She told the Tall One that she was going to be there whether he (or, more importantly, Jezebel) liked it or not. He sputtered, he argued, he ranted…and then he conceded. He told Violet that since there were two church services, and since he was to speak at both, Jezebel would go to the early service and Violet could attend at 10:00. Fine, Violet agreed.

Sunday morning, just as Violet was leaving home, the Tall One sent her a text: “Jezebel will be there at 10.” After the insane conversations with the Tall One/Addict over the previous days, Violet knew that this was an attempt at manipulation by Jezebel and that the Tall One was clueless to that manipulation.

Violet’s head exploded off of her shoulders but she managed to reply: “Fine.” Her hands shook and her heart pounded as she drove to the church, but Violet was determined to be there to support the Tall One on this important day.

When she arrived, the vestibule was full of churchgoers but she easily found the Tall One because he was...tall. He was, thankfully, by himself, and they attempted to make incredibly awkward conversation, during which he told her that her presence was making everyone uncomfortable. Violet’s head exploded again but she knew it would be useless to point out that she was not the one who changed the plan. Soon Jezebel appeared at his side. Violet tried to be cordial but she knew that the sour look she gave Jezebel was full of loathing. Violet’s actual thought at the moment was, “THAT? He chose THAT over ME?” (Not exactly a spiritual or charitable moment, hmmm?) Jezebel was even lower-rent than Violet had expected.

They endured a moment of introductory, even more awkward, conversation. The Tall One escorted Violet and Jezebel into the sanctuary. He sat between them. During the service, he put his arm around Jezebel and she cuddled close. They held hands. They leaned into each other. They whispered to each other and batted their lashes. Violet could hardly imagine behavior more rude or unkind, not to mention inappropriate in church. Somehow Violet managed to keep from crying, probably because she was filled with rage and was too busy restraining herself from punching them both in the mouth.

The Tall One gave his testimony. Violet felt like he was lying to himself and to the congregation with every word out of his mouth, but even so, she was proud of him and hoped his own words would bring him back to sanity. When he returned to the pew, it seemed to her that he looked to her for approval but then he sat down next to Jezebel, who immediately twined herself around him again.

After church, Jezebel mumbled a goodbye to Violet and slunk off to some dark corner. The Tall One retrieved Violet’s coat and helped her into it. She hugged him, told him she loved him, and walked quickly out of the church. This was her poetic ending. She fully intended to push him from her heart and mind and to never speak to him again.

And yet, there is one chapter left…

The Tall One and the Violet, Part Two

2009-08-28T20:59:00.002-05:00

Read Part One here.

Just as quickly as they started, the phone calls from the Tall One stopped. Violet called him a few times and left messages, but he didn’t return her calls. Violet was not new to the online dating game and didn’t need the advice of Mr. Kenny Rogers to “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.” So she determined to add the Tall One to her List of Disappointments and move on.

Violet was surprised and bemused to find that the Tall One did not slip easily out of her mind. Every few weeks, she would feel a renewed sense of…concern…connection…something…and she would call him. He never answered and sometimes he returned her calls, sometimes he didn’t. When he did, their conversations were still fun and flirty, but there was an undercurrent of...something. Violet was worried about him, but the Tall One insisted he was fine, just busy and working a lot of overtime.

This went on for three months.

One Saturday, around noon, Violet was cleaning her kitchen when the phone rang. It was the Tall One, calling to say he was in the area and could he come over? Violet was surprised and pleased and, despite her unshowered, middle-of-housecleaning, sweaty state, she said yes. (She managed a quick shower before he arrived.) They greeted each other a bit awkwardly but warmly, and sat down on the couch.

The Tall One apologized for the gaps in their communication and for the long time since they had last seen each other. He explained that he is an addict – that he had been deep in a drinking phase during those three months and that he had very recently stopped drinking and started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Violet was naturally taken aback, and remembered those beers from their dates and how odd it seemed. It made sense now. (The Tall One had been involved with NA on and off for years. He was mostly a drinker but had also abused OTC drugs from time to time.)

They talked for several hours. Violet had no experience with alcoholism or addiction and had no idea what she was dealing with, but being Violet, she decided that if he stayed sober they could see each other. It was so nice to see the Tall One again, so nice to spend time with him, and he seemed to feel the same way about her. Violet made it very clear that their relationship, whatever it was, would end abruptly if he relapsed.

And so, they started dating. The Tall One was attentive, polite, and open…mostly. Violet understood that it was early days in his recovery and gave him more leeway than she would give another man. That summer was a roller coaster ride – one day they were dating, the next just friends, dating, friends, dating, friends… (Perhaps there is a pattern here. Maybe Violet isn’t as smart as she thinks she is.)

Violet had major surgery that summer. The Tall One was very sweet during this time and even came over to meet her parents, who were staying with her during her recovery. One afternoon, Violet and the Tall One were having a conversation via text while he was at work. The end of it went something like this:

V - *some sarcastic, smartypants comment typical of Violet*
TO – smart aleck
V – yeah, you love that about me
TO – how about just loving you?

Violet suddenly couldn’t breathe, let alone push tiny little buttons on a tiny little phone. After a moment, when she was once again in control of her faculties, she called the Tall One. He must have gotten busy at work because the call went to voicemail. She left a message: “You send a text like that and then don’t answer your phone?? Call me when you can.”

An eternity (or, say, 30 minutes) later, he called. He told her he loved her and she was mildly surprised to hear herself say, “I love you, too.” He replied, “I know.” They laughed.

They continued to date and he continued to vacillate, but things seemed to be smoothing out. He had 60 days of sobriety, then 90, then 150. All in all, things were good. They enjoyed each other’s company throughout the fall and into the winter.

Violet’s birthday is in February. February also marked a year since the Tall One first IM’d Violet. The Tall One had plans to give testimony about his addiction and recovery at church the day after Violet’s birthday and they made plans to celebrate both occasions. She would go to church with him to hear his testimony and then they would go out for lunch.

Tuesday afternoon, five days before their church/birthday date, Violet called to chat with the Tall One. He casually mentioned that he had lunch with “a friend” that afternoon. For some reason, those two words set alarms clanging in Violet’s head. When she asked who he had lunch with, the Tall One hesitated, then said again, “a friend.” She pushed. And the Tall One admitted that it was a woman.

Sounds like another ending, doesn’t it? Perhaps it should have been, but it wasn’t…

The Tall One and the Violet, Part One

2009-08-27T22:41:00.004-05:00

Sounds like a romance novel from 25 years ago, doesn’t it? I’m picturing a ridiculously beautiful woman with ridiculously long, ridiculously flowing curly red hair (let a girl dream, mmm-k?) against a lavender gown with a ridiculously low-cut, lace-trimmed bodice swooning in the arms of a ridiculously tall Fabio-esque gentleman (only in this novel, Fabio sports a high-and-tight rather than his usual long golden locks). But let's get to the story, shall we?

Editor's note: this story may make Violet appear naive and, dare we say, stupid. This is not the case. Violet has an accepting heart and a non-judgmental mind and sometimes she trusts too easily *see below*. She generally sees the best in everyone and she recognizes that sometimes this leads to actions and outcomes that hurt her and/or that others don't understand. She doesn't care; she wouldn't change anything about her self (her body is a different story, but that's not relevant here).

Once upon a time, a girl who calls herself Violet was a member of the online dating community. At the recommendation of a friend, she joined a new (to her) dating site and was whiling away a cold winter evening by exploring the site’s nooks and crannies. Suddenly, someone said 'hi' via the site’s instant messaging. She almost didn’t respond when she noticed where he was from but since she was new there, and since she’s not afraid of trying new things (and since he lived closer to her than any of the other guys she had thus far “met” online), she said hi back. They chatted online for a while and then the fellow, a tall and good-looking guy we’ll call the Tall One, asked if he could call her. She said yes.

He called. They talked. They laughed. They batted much flirtatious banter back and forth. He asked her out on a date. In real life. In person. In 6 days! She said yes.

During the next 4 days, the Tall One called her at least once a day and really poured on the charm. Violet had never in her life experienced such attention and she reveled in it.

On Day 5, the Tall One called Violet during the day (on her cell phone. She may trust too easily *see below* but she is not a complete idiot). He apologized for calling her at work but explained that there was a family emergency and he didn't know if he would be in town the next day to keep their date. He said he didn't want to wait to meet her and asked if he could take her out that very night instead. Violet breathlessly said yes, hung up the phone, and announced to her office mates that "the date is TONIGHT!!!" They kindly (and wisely, as they knew her head would not be in her work) sent her home early to primp.

That evening, Violet allowed the Tall One to pick her up at her apartment. (*below* Violet is a savvy, quite intelligent girl but perhaps occasionally trusts too easily.) Boy, was he tall! And easy to be with – they went out for a casual dinner and talked and teased like longtime friends. She found the Tall One ever so attractive and there was definitely sexual tension in the air. He had a beer with dinner and another as they sat at the table enjoying each other's company. He asked her if the second beer was all right with her, which she thought was an odd question but figured maybe he was just being ultra-polite.

When they left the restaurant, he took her hand and didn’t let go. He drove her home and she let him come inside. There was kissing. He asked her out for a second date. She said yes.

The second date was similar to the first: he picked her up, took her out for dinner, they laughed, they joked, they flirted, they went back to her place and made out like a couple of high school kids in the band closet. The major difference between the two dates was that this time the Tall One brought a six-pack of beer with him. Violet thought that was odd, but since she’s not much of a drinker and doesn’t really spend any time around people who are, she thought perhaps this is how normal social drinkers do things.

During the next few days, the phone calls continued like before. Violet allowed herself to dream…to believe in the possibilities…to hope. And then the phone calls stopped.

But that’s not even close to the end of this story…

Friday Fill-In #139 (a few hours early)

2009-08-27T22:00:00.005-05:00

Graphic courtesy of Tonya

1. He was a complete surprise.

2. Illinois football is what I look forward to most this time of year.

3. My best friend has no idea how wonderful she is.

4. I have to be honest with you.

5. Appearances can be incredibly appetizing.

6. The last person I gave a hug to was my youngest sister.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to anything but a quiet evening at home, tomorrow my plans include mowing the lawn and Sunday, I want to enjoy every minute of my day!

ABCs for a Sunday afternoon

2009-08-16T16:39:00.002-05:00

It's Sunday, it's overcast, and it's incredibly humid. Mom is shopping (she needs a 12-step program, seriously) and Dad is watching golf from behind his eyelids. So I've been amusing myself with this:

A. Attached or single? Single…yet emotionally attached. My love life is a Gordian knot.

B. Best friend? Mary Alice. The BFFest BFF ever.

C. Cake or pie? Cake…is there really another option??

D. Dog or cat? Dogs, although I am currently sans chien.

E. Essential item? Contacts. I am too vain to wear my glasses out of the house.

F. Favorite color? Green. The rich, verdant green of June.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Ick.

H. Hometown? I am not one who is particularly tied to a place. Where I live is home, but wherever those I love live is home, too. If you must put a pin on the map, Champaign, Illinois, is where I grew up.

I. Favorite indulgence? Beautiful perfume. I don’t care how poor I am, I will not be without it.

J. January or July? July, hands down. There is no wind chill in July.

K. Kids? My two favorite boys (aged 3 and 7) flirted with me at church today. I wonder if one of them will marry me if I wait long enough?

L. Life isn’t complete without? Love, in all its forms.

M. Marriage date? There was a wedding in September 1992…but not much of a marriage followed, and then there was a divorce 6 years ago this month. There is a marriage in my future…I just don’t know who or when yet.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 2 sisters, no brothers.

O. Oranges or apples? Hmmm, I’d say oranges but a good, crisp apple certainly has its place.

P. Phobias? June bugs. I get hinky even when I hear one beating its nasty little exoskeleton against the window. And those sticky feet? *shudder*

Q. Quote? “Fortune favors the bold.” Virgil

R. Reasons to smile? 4 nieces and one nephew.

S. Season of choice? Summer.

T. Travel dreams? I have dreamed of visiting Barbados since I read “The Witch of Blackbird Pond” when I was 9 or 10.

U. Unknown fact about me? The second toe on my right foot is shorter than the rest. Not freakishly short, but people do notice it often.

V. Vegetable? Zucchini.

W. Worst habit? I am a world-class over-analyzer.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Ummm…not if I can help it?

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Dos Reales (local Mexican), Bombay Grill (local Indian), Red Lobster (I live in Illinois, shuddup), Culver’s (yummy burgers), 5 Guys (yummier burgers but only available on the East Coast)

Z. Zodiac sign? Aquarius

So I'm no good at mysterious

2009-08-14T09:01:00.005-05:00

I was going to let my last post stand on its own, but it turns out I can't. I can't let people worry about me and wonder what's going on when the fact is I was simply having one of THOSE days and feeling disgruntled with...well, just about the whole world.

(If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? heh.)

Let's see if I can condense this:

Harumph #1 - Here's a paraphrased passage from a novel I read last week: "From a psychological perspective, intermittent reinforcement is powerful. You get a taste of what you want, enough that you think you can get it, so you keep trying." Intermittent reinforcement? Exactly what I'm getting from Himself these days. Makes me pissed at myself but there's still something that won't let me let go.

Harumph #2 - The Tall One was going to take me out for dinner this week. He wanted to take me to a very nice, relatively expensive, restaurant to thank me for all of the things I have done for him lately. (I don't think I've ever told that saga, have I? Coming soon to a blog near you - the story of the Tall One and the Violet.) He's an unemployed addict. He knew he was going to receive some money on Monday and planned to take me to dinner and pay bills with the rest. Sunday, we determined that Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday would work. I didn't hear from him Monday. I called Tuesday morning to see what was happening but he didn't answer and didn't return my call. By Wednesday night, I was worried and justifiably concerned that he had relapsed again. He finally called yesterday afternoon - he's fine, didn't relapse but he had less money than he expected and couldn't afford to take me to dinner...and was ashamed to tell me because he didn't want to break his promise. So I worried for nothing. Eejit.

Harumph #3 - A coworker keeps turning down the thermostat that controls the area my office is in. It does NOT control the area she works in. When I asked her very nicely to not turn it down, she told me, not so very nicely, that she won't stop turning it down.

Harumph #4 - Apparently I projected an angry, irritated attitude to the big boss yesterday morning when I truly wasn't feeling any sort of negative attitude at all. He asked me about it later in the day so it's all cleared up (I apologized profusely...after picking up my jaw and my eyeballs from the floor) but it made me feel about this big.

Harumph #5 - I'm having one of those weeks when being single is very hard, every day is a bad hair day, and even my eyebrow hairs won't behave. (PMS? Well, hmmm...could be.)

The whipped cream on top of this crap sundae is that my parents will be here in T-minus 8 hours. For a 10-day visit. I love them and I'm looking forward to seeing them, but...you know. I've spent the week flipping between trying to clean to my mother's standard (her house looks like no one lives there but a maid) and trying to convince myself that I am a grown up and shouldn't be affected by their attitudes. The Ex was right about one thing - I get a little crazy when my parents are coming to stay.

All of these things stewing in my head made me wish I could give up. Just stop caring. Because if I don't care, nothing will hurt.

Shyeah, that's gonna happen!

Yeah, right

2009-08-13T14:04:00.003-05:00

Someday I won’t…

worry anymore
hurt anymore
get angry anymore
cry anymore
wonder anymore
care anymore

try anymore

My First Friday Fill-IN

2009-08-07T11:50:00.004-05:00

Cute graphic courtesy of Tonya.

1. Swimming is my favorite summertime activity.

2. My favorite John Hughes movies is The Breakfast Club.

3. My hair is something I love to touch.

4. The full moon is so bright this month!

5. I am not hungry right now. Give me an hour.

6. When daylight fades I feel melancholy.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching a DVD (the Breakfast Club, perhaps?), tomorrow my plans include mopping the kitchen floor and Sunday, I want to chillax!

My day at the beach

2009-08-03T19:13:00.009-05:00

I love being near, or even better in, water.

I live in Illinois.

These two things do not fit together. In my online dating days I often joked that there is no water in Illinois. I liked to tell people that we have to truck it in and every once in a while, someone would believe me. That was really fun…

but I digress…

Two weeks ago, I traveled to California to meet in person a woman I met on a dating website. (Yes, I’m straight. No, it wasn’t a date.) We've been email/IM/phone friends for a couple of years and I’ve mentioned her here a time or two – the fabulous West Coast Angel. I had a great time with her and her two daughters but for some reason I didn’t take a single picture of them.

I did, however, take some pictures of the Pacific Ocean. It’s been 22 years since I saw the Pacific so I drove down to Seal Beach on Saturday morning while Angel was working. I only had my cell phone with me so I made do:

Ah, the ocean!

Oooooh, the waves!

Look, surfers!
I found out later that these were larger waves than usual, due to a storm out in the Pacific.

How nice of Mother Nature to whip up some righteous waves just for me!

Grace in Small Things #12

2009-07-31T10:37:00.007-05:00

A thank you call from a reporter (a stranger to me) who really did not need to thank me for helping him. I grumbled as I rounded up the person he was looking for, so his unexpected call was a happy surprise...and maybe, just maybe, a tiny little attitude adjustment.
A nice evening with the Tall One, about whom I have been justifiably worried. It was good to look into his face and see that he is ok...not great, but ok.
My own private, quiet, comfortable office. More on this later.
Acceptance and trust. Today I am serene.
It's Friday!!!

I'll never tell, but...

2009-07-18T19:53:00.002-05:00

Mary Alice surprised me today. I thought I knew everything about her. I mean, I truly believed I knew E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Ok, ok, no one ever knows everything that can possibly be known about another human being, but I thought I was right up there.

Well, she told me a secret today. It’s not a bad secret, it’s not even a shocking secret. It’s a silly thing, really – you would laugh. I laughed.

And then I laughed even harder, with great affection, by how embarrassed she was about it. I cajoled the secret out of her, she told me (two words), and then she said she does. not. want. to. discuss. it. further.

So we won’t.

But I’m here to tell you that there will come a time when I will have to employ every ounce of restraint, every iota of willpower in order to not tease her about it. God willing, my pathetic memory will let this little gem slip out of the sieve holes…but considering how sweetly amused I am by this, it’s probably one of the “small facts” that will stick forever.

Which is probably why she didn’t want to tell me in the first place.

Quote for the Morning

2009-07-13T08:12:00.003-05:00

This morning the news anchor on my favorite local talk radio station, a woman, responded to the DJ's comment that women notice shoes:

"We are accessory-driven."

So funny because it's so true!

Blueberry-Lemon Coffee Cake

2009-07-12T21:50:00.007-05:00

Since there doesn't seem to be anything blog-worthy in my head lately, I'm posting a recipe just so's y'all won't forget about me.

I found this on the Betty Crocker website a few weeks ago and made it when my sister and her family were here. It was so good, and so easy, that I made it again when we were all together for the 4th.

I doubled the recipe and substituted dried cranberries for the blueberries in one pan since #1 Niece said she doesn't like blueberries. The cranberries were delish, too.

Blueberry-Lemon Coffee Cake

1 lemon, zested and squeezed separately
1 egg
2 and 1/4 cups Bisquick mix
1/3 cup granulated sugar
2/3 cup milk
1 cup fresh or frozen (thawed) blueberries, rinsed and well-drained
2/3 cup powdered sugar

Heat oven to 400. Grease 9-inch round cake pan (I made it in square pans at the lake and they worked fine).

In a medium bowl, beat egg slightly. Stir in Bisquick, granulated sugar, milk, and lemon zest just until blended.

Pour batter into pan and drop blueberries evenly over the top.

Bake 20-25 minutes until golden brown. Cool 10 minutes then turn out of pan onto serving plate.

Stir powdered sugar into lemon juice until smooth. Drizzle over coffee cake. Serve warm.

The original recipe calls for 1 tablespoon of lemon zest and 3 to 4 tablespoons of lemon juice. I used the zest and juice of one lemon for the double recipe and it tasted great. I didn't really measure the powdered sugar so I don't really know if I used 2/3 cup. I just stirred it in until it was a nice drizzly consistency.

This one is going in the regular rotation - it is SO good and way easy. It's not super sweet, and it's much lighter than I expected with Bisquick as the main ingredient.

Enjoy!

Grace in Small Things #11 - Family Edition

2009-07-09T21:46:00.010-05:00

Actually, none of these are small things - they are people for whom I am so unendingly grateful.

1. Two sisters (look at them, not me - 4th of July was a fun, delightful day but also a bad hair, no makeup, forgot the reduce-the-double-chin pose day)

2. Three nieces (these three are my middle sister's daughters - and weirdly like the three of us in temperament) 3. The twins (my youngest sister's 2-and-almost-half year olds - do you know how hard it is to get two toddlers in the same picture??)

A Patriotic Grace in Small Things

2009-07-02T22:33:00.010-05:00

I am 3/4 of the way packed, ready to head out tomorrow for a 5-day weekend (is that still a weekend?) with my sisters and their families. We will enjoy each other's company and celebrate our country's independence. We are rarely all in the same place at the same time so I have been looking forward to this for months!!

4th of July is my favorite holiday. And so, a 4th of July GiST a bit early...

1. Parades (links to some really great pics of my hometown parade)

2. Picnics

3. Patriotism

4. Pyrotechnics...ok, fine, fireworks, but I'm digging the alliteration.

Happy Independence Day!!

Quick GiST #6

2009-06-23T23:25:00.001-05:00

Texas just won game 2 of the College World Series, forcing game 3 for the championship.

Hook 'em Horns!!!

Grace in Small Things #10

2009-06-23T11:14:00.002-05:00

I. love. this. song. In 1977, my class put the Commodores "Zoom" LP on the record player every chance we got! My body will NOT stay still while "Brick House" is playing!
Vacation Bible School - Growing up Catholic, we didn't have VBS. My mom said I went at my grandma's church the summer I was 4, but I don't remember it. I changed church affiliations a couple of years ago and this is the first year I've been able to participate in VBS. I am, in fact, co-director of the skits (well, ain't you somethin', Miss La-Di-Dah!). Last night was the first night and it was just great. The kids are so cute - squirmy, squirrelly, enthusiastic - and I enjoy all of the adults so much! It's a very satisfying experience and the fact that it is so much fun is just icing on the cake.
A 40 minute IM, then a 2 hour IM, then a 20 minute phone call with Himself in the span of 6 hours last night. Fun, silly, and very, very candid conversations. Only God himself knows what it all means, but today I am content with it. No matter what it means, no matter what comes of all of this love and confusion, Himself is a good man and I am grateful that I know him.
Air conditioning. 'Nuff said, right? Right.
My parents actually ASKED if they can come visit in August. Normally they just tell me when they will be here and why, which makes me feel like a hostile hostel (heeheehee I just kill me) and makes me feel taken for granted. Funny thing how asking me instead of telling me changes my attitude - I even asked for half days off while they are here!

Honest Scrap

2009-06-09T21:21:00.002-05:00

Cool, my third award! Thanks to Em I now get to lay more honesty on all y'all...

7 Honest Things about Myself

I don't want to be thin. I would like to be less fat than I am now, but I do not aspire to a size 10, let alone a celery-crunching size 2. I would rather enjoy my days as a BBW than spend my life on a treadmill to meet a social standard. I like my curves, I like my *ahem* ample assets, I like the softness of my body. I also like cake.
I feel that loving and marrying a man who loves me will complete my life. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, that I should feel complete all by myself. Well, I believe that I am programmed for quiet, domestic happiness and there will be a piece missing until I get there. And I will get there.
The only reason I consider going back to college to complete a bachelor's degree is to earn more money. I'm perfectly happy working 9-5 at my civil service job, I just wish I made a bit more money doing it.
I don't think Daniel Craig is hot. I don't even think he is good looking. I also do not get the appeal of Sean Connery - he's just a really old Scottish dude. Roger Moore was the best James Bond. (wait - was that three honest things??)
I detest olives. They just taste like rubbery orbs of salt to me. My momma brought me up right, so I will generally eat what is served me, but olives are one of the very few foods I can't choke down.
I haven't vacuumed my house since March. Well, to be really honest, my mom did it when she was here (because I was recovering from knee surgery). Yes, it needs to be done...and it will. Probably on June 26. Because my sister and her family will be here June 27. And while I'm airing my dirty house laundry, I haven't dusted this house since I moved in last July. And I'm totally fine with that.
I love having long hair. I had very short hair for years and years and decided about 2-1/2 years ago to grow it out. It's just past my shoulders now, and it's not long enough yet. I'm not always happy with the style, but I revel in the way it feels on my neck and shoulders, the way it blows in a breeze, the fact that I can put it in a ponytail or up in a clip or let it flow around my face. I am, I'm told, a very tactile person and I LOVE running my fingers through my own hair.

The rules:
I must put a copy of The Honest Scrap Logo on my blog.
I must select at least 7 other worthy bloggers:
Merrily Down the Stream

Future Blackmail

Phat Mama

The Hotfessional

So Why Are You Single

Chocolate and Whine (poor girl, I think I tag her every time. Good thing she has the good sense to ignore me most of the time.)

47 and Starting Over

Grace in small things #9

2009-06-07T21:48:00.003-05:00

Hi, honey, I'm home - did you miss me? I was in Chicago for work from Wednesday morning until this afternoon. I stayed in a (very nice) college dorm, after which I appreciate the following things here at home:

1. Fitted sheets.

2. Ample parking.

3. Not living out of a suitcase.

4. Access to the WWW from my living room.

5. Television, even bad, leftover summer television.

One Year

2009-05-31T18:09:00.001-05:00

I met Himself in person in Chicago one year ago this weekend. I looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes and thought I’d found the man of my dreams. I was so full of love, so full of hope. Today, after a year without seeing him, the love is still very strong but the hope is almost dead.

Two weeks ago he said, “I love you, I always will. We have something special, but the timing is off, the distance is there, and it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other.” In my not-at-all humble opinion, “I love you, BUT…” is never a good thing.

Just how special can it be, just how much can he love me, if he hasn’t been compelled even ONCE to overcome the obstacles to see me? I would have moved mountains to see him. I would have eaten peanut butter for a month to save money for a plane ticket. I still would. It’s been the absolute worst year of his life and he’s still dealing with it. A big part of me believes that the turmoil in his life is the only thing that has kept us apart (and still hopes things will change as his life improves). But it’s been a year.

I have tried to change this before. I tried being just friends, I even tried cutting off communication with him. I couldn’t stick with it because I love him and I am in love with him. It may sound silly coming from a 44-year-old woman, but I’ve never felt this way before. I still think he is wonderful – handsome, sweet, intelligent, ambitious, witty, self-assured, compassionate, straightforward, sexy – and everything I ever wanted in a man. I’m still starry-eyed about him…when I’m not crying.

I’m trying to let go. I’ve had enough confusion and heartache and dashed hopes. I’ve lost some of my innate optimism. I am becoming cynical and that is unacceptable. And yet, the idea of completely breaking ties with him is incomprehensible.

I am heartsore today. I am tired and angry and sad. I can’t help but remember where we were, what we were doing at any given moment a year ago. I remember how happy I was, how handsome and dashing he was, how sweet and right it was to be with him.

I wish I had the strength to tell him “all or nothing” and walk away. I am not a coward when it comes to ending relationships. I’ve done it before with other men but I just can’t seem to let Himself go. I keep telling myself it is the right thing to do but something stops me, something keeps telling me to wait.

Maybe it’s not time yet. Maybe I’m just a fool.

Song Meme (or My Name is Violet and I'm a Meme-aholic)

2009-05-27T19:19:00.004-05:00

My sweet, young friend Ivy tagged me for this one...

Using only song titles from one artist, cleverly answer these questions:

Pick a band/artist: Billy Joel - If I could only listen to one artist for a whole year, I'd pick Billy. I love his music so much I ended up adding links for every song because I wanted to hear them. :)

1. Are you a male or female: She's Always a Woman

2. Describe yourself: The Entertainer

3. How do you feel about yourself: She's Got a Way (about Her)

4. Describe an ex boyfriend/girlfriend: I Go to Extremes

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: And So It Goes (one of the most beautiful songs ever)

6. Describe your current location: Somewhere along the Line

7. Describe where you want to be: Travelin' Prayer (he is such an amazing pianist and composer!)

8. Your best friend(s) is/are: Just the Way You Are (this one is for the lyrics, not the title so much)

9. Your favorite color is: Nocturne (there's not one single color in any of Billy's titles)

10. You know that: If I Only Had the Words to Tell You

11. What’s the weather like: Falling of the Rain

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Got to Begin Again

13. What is life to you: Don’t Ask Me Why

14. What is the best advice you have to give: Get It Right the First Time

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Rosalinda’s Eyes

I'm tagging Theresa because she's new here, Zelzee because she doesn't know what she's missing on a road trip with me and Mary Alice, and Melissa because she always makes me smile!

My Los Angeles

2009-05-26T20:03:00.002-05:00

Ever since I posted this, I've been reminiscing about La-La Land. Inspired by those memories and Stephanie’s comment, these are my mental images of my time in Los Angeles…

My L.A. is sunny and warm, except for January, when it is dark and miserable and rainy.

My L.A. is spread out over acres and acres and miles…with room to breathe between buildings…relaxed and at ease.

My L.A. is old, quaint apartment buildings…working with, but not in, the movie industry…wide, wide, WIDE beaches…taking the city bus to Disneyland…watching movies in the tiny little theaters at the top of the Beverly Center…wandering around Westwood on the weekends.

My L.A. is Technicolor, vibrant, bold…yet quiet.

My L.A. is working as a temp…taking the bus everywhere…wearing flats on the bus and carrying my heels.

My L.A. is the Bonaventure Hotel…the First Interstate Bank fire…Arc en Ciel restaurant…the LaBrea Tar Pits.

My L.A. is big, whimsical earrings…bold, high, high heels…shoulder pads and trumpet skirts.

My L.A. is being propositioned in Spanish and sign language…a fishhead bobbing out of a bag next to me on the bus...grocery shopping at Von’s and wheeling my things home in a two-wheeled cart like an old lady.

My L.A. is Wilshire Blvd. all the way from Santa Monica Pier to the heart of downtown…Beverly Blvd. from Madison Ave. to the Beverly Center…Western Ave. from Hollywood to Pico.

My L.A. is bright blue sky…sun-heated pavement…never tiring of the sight of palm trees…giant bird of paradise at the edge of a tiny, verdant green lawn.

My L.A. is first freedom…true independence…young success.

The one where Violet and Mary Alice go offroading (almost)

2009-05-19T23:03:00.007-05:00

Tuesday night is my date night with Mary Alice. Most weeks we just have dinner, either in or out, and hang out. Sometimes we do stuff.

Since tonight was the first warmish evening of the year, we decided to take a drive. Very romantical, no? We ended up out in the countryside, in an area neither of us had been to before. Turning as the whim took us, we found ourselves on this road:

Cruising along, we noticed this sign:

and laughed. Mary Alice, the pilot, reduced from warp speed to the speed of light in deference to the sign.

Good decision.

instantly becomes

See the skid marks? Mary Alice earned her Stops on a Dime badge this evening. I ever so calmly stated, “Holy shi*GASP*!!!” Did you know that if you’re with someone else during a death-defying moment, you can see both lives flash before your eyes? It’s true. Now there really are no more secrets between us.

It’s hard to tell in the picture, but there is about a 5-foot drop in about 20 feet of “road.” If Mary Alice had lain down on the road to take this, only the top of my head would have been visible here:

Pay no attention to the shapeless, baggy t-shirt. Had I known I would be playing the part of Vanna White in this episode, I would have dressed accordingly. Who knew this WAS the night for the spandex and sequins??

Mary Alice did not lay down because she met this precious woodland creature as she framed her shot:

A lovely evening was had by all.

Grace in small things #8

2009-05-17T12:31:00.005-05:00

1. It Is Well with My Soul

2. A fresh egg salad sandwich.

3. A kiss on the cheek from one of the sweetest souls at church.

4. Recipes from bloggers I heart: I'm nibbling on these while these are bubbling in the oven.

5. Having one of those (rare) days when my heart is light and possibilities seem...well, possible.

Oh, how I love a meme

2009-05-16T23:20:00.002-05:00

Reading them, writing them, I love a meme. Here’s the latest:

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear the most often? My black pants. I only have one pair and I wear them at least twice a week. I really need several pairs of black pants but it’s so hard to find pants that fit well. I’ve had this pair for several years so I know I’m on borrowed time.

What’s for dinner? Sausage, green pepper and onion pizza. Oh, and I found a pint of Starbuck’s Java Chip at Walgreen’s this afternoon so I have a special dessert.

What is your greatest fear at the moment? The usual: that I will live the rest of my life yearning for love. I’m trying to learn how to be happy with my single life but that’s like teaching me Chinese – not only a different language, but a whole different alphabet.

What are you listening to? That stupid Hardee’s commercial with Padma Lakshmi.

If you were a mythological character, what would you be? I would be a mermaid. I love to swim and I love to sing, which is how mermaids lure men. Dictionary.com says, “in European folklore, mermaids (sometimes called sirens) and mermen were natural beings who, like fairies, had magical and prophetic powers. They loved music and often sang.” Sounds good to me.

What are your favorite holiday spots? The Gulf Coast of Florida, with a side of Disney World; Tomahawk, WI; anywhere my sisters, nieces and nephew are.

What are you reading right now? Take a Chance on Me by Susan Donovan. Funny, sexy cheap fiction.

What is your guilty pleasure? See question above.

Who or what makes you laugh? I am easily amused, so many things and many people make me laugh. These people, however, are guaranteed to make me crack up: Eddie Izzard; Himself; my oldest niece; Mary Alice; me.

What is your favorite Spring thing to do? Watch the trees leaf out and wait for summer.

Where are you planning to travel next? Chicago in two weeks for work; Lake Geneva for 4th of July.

What is the best thing you ate or drank lately? We took my student worker out for lunch last week because she is graduating this weekend. Lunch was fabulous and I had an ice cream sundae for dessert. It was no ordinary sundae: nice, dark chocolate-chocolate chip gelato with strawberries on top in a fried crepe cup, sitting on a plate of raspberry puree and vanilla cream. Sweet mother of God, it was good. My student worker said she actually saw my eyes cross.

When was the last time you were tipsy? Quite possibly two years ago. That’s a damn shame.

What is your favorite ever film? I’ve always said that It’s a Wonderful Life is my very favorite, but there are so many I love:
The Quiet Man
Hope Floats
The Matchmaker (with Janeane Garafalo, I LOVE this movie)
The Perez Family (Marisa Tomei, Angelica Huston, Alfred Molina)
Bull Durham
Grease AND Grease 2 (shush)
The Wedding Planner
Miss Congeniality
Urban Cowboy
Sex and the City: the Movie
Sweet Home Alabama
West Side Story
The Breakfast Club
Brigadoon
This list is by no means comprehensive.

What book do you know you should read but refuse to? I read what entertains me. I haven’t read most of the “classics” but I don’t care. Besides, all of those 19th century authors used way too many words!

What is your physical abnormity/abnormal physical ability? The second toe on my right foot is shorter than the third toe (and all the others). It’s not freakishly short and I don’t think it’s that weird but people comment on it all the time.

What is your favorite color? Green, the green of June – vibrant, warm, lush, full.

Can the people outside your car hear the music playing inside your car? Sometimes, sure. They can definitely see me rocking out, though, no matter what the volume is inside.

I added this one:
How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like? I’m not really a doodler. When I do doodle (that’s fun to say), my doodles are usually 3-D squares or triangles, or squiggles that follow the edge of my spiral notebook.

The rules of this meme are as follows:
- Respond to and rework the meme.
- Answer the questions on your own blog.
- Replace one question and add one question.
- Tag 8 people.

I'm not tagging anyone because I'm a rebel. Or I'm too lazy and can't be bothered.